“In life, many of us forget that we really do get to choose for ourselves, that we can make a life fait sur mesure.” —Nathan Furr and Susannah Harmon Furr, authors of The Upside of Uncertainty

In France, the phrase fait sur mesure is translated into English as “made to measure”, but as American expats now living in Paris, Nathan Furr and Susannah Harmon Furr, explain in their book The Upside of Uncertainty, “the English word misses the real power of the idea. The French words highlight the special quality of getting to choose and the joy of having something made to your exact needs.”

As we move through childhood, the experiences we have largely depend on our parents and caregivers. Where we go, what we do, who we meet, and where or if we travel depend upon the open-mindedness and curiosity of others. If we are fortunate, we grew up in an environment that provided a sense of sanctuary to relax our mind and follow our curiosity, while also regularly introducing us to new experiences and glimpses of the world. Not that we will have remembered everything, but expansion of a variety of ways to build a life were sprinkled about for us to witness. If this was not the case, if we were not encouraged to explore and learn about worlds outside of how we lived in our daily life, then our perception of all that is possible will have been limited – unless we read, unless we became an explorer on our own with resources made available to us.

All of that is to say, some of us will understand at a young age that we can be the architect of our lives but this is dependent on many factors. Others of us may know that we can be the architect, but not feel as though we are supported to do so if it looks slightly or vastly different from our social support structure. And even if we were limited in our exploration while young, for whatever reason, when we did venture out into the world to learn, see, and experience, we brought with us baggage from our past that may have skewed the lens through which we viewed the world.

But regardless of whatever your past experience was with the concept of designing your life, today’s post is shared to reawaken or strengthen the awareness that yep, your life is yours to design.

“You don’t have to be the victim of your environment. You can also be the architect of it.”
—James Clear, Atomic Habits

What we see as we journey through life, especially at a young age, lays what may feel like a cement foundation of “how life is”, but that cement foundation can be removed and replaced if what we saw didn’t either nourish us or sit well with us for some reason that maybe as of yet we cannot pinpoint. The most effective way to change the foundation is to become aware of your mind and the mindset (i.e., limitations) you may have accepted regarding what is possible and how life is to be lived.

Fait sur mesure becomes the tool that, when we embrace it, paired with courage and clarity, leads to building a life that brings us to life. We become the director and protagonist of our life rather than being directed by others about what to do and how to live. We give ourselves agency.

As I was rewatching episodes of Dix pour Cent (Call My Agent) recently to remind myself of how the series ended, as the film is premiering this September, the importance of an agent (an effective one) is a career elevator, providing something the actor cannot do on their own. Add to the control to direct your life and be the protagonist of a script that is most ideal for you and your strengths (of which an agent who is good at their job would know), then you’ve got the trifecta of combinations for your best self to thrive.

When we hand over the responsibility of directing our life to someone or something else (an institution, culture, ideology), when we don’t invest the time to get to know ourselves so that we know where to point our ship’s sails, we are giving away control that absolutely can be ours should we choose to accept it and seize it.

You may be saying, Sure, that sounds great, but I need to make money or I need financial support, so I have to do what I have to do, even if it doesn’t fit me well. “We all can create a life that’s fait sur mesure. It isn’t a matter of money.” As the authors of The Upside of Uncertainty point out, “often the rich and famous—who could afford that everything be made custom—are busy copying too.” Which is to say, more money doesn’t buy courage, doesn’t buy clarity, doesn’t buy security within oneself.

When we stop seeking the world’s good opinion, we set ourselves free to think for ourselves. This doesn’t mean we become contrarian for contrary’s sake, but rather we start to pay attention to what speaks to us, what really delights our senses, our mind, and grabs our curiosity to learn more about.

This past weekend, as I sat at a table playing Scrabble with fellow folks who enjoy the game at a local weekly meet-up, our table was the last to finish. As we neared the end, players from other tables who had finished gathered round and (after being invited to do so) tried to help come up with words with the tiles left on each of our racks. At this point, we knew who the winner would be, but none of us wanted to give up trying to use the tiles we had. A community of folks who love words, I found this delightfully fun. To be surrounded by fellow logophiles (lovers of words). Now that is an interest that speaks to my curiosity, and it was not something I was introduced to by my environment as a child, but rather something I discovered as I journeyed along during my younger days, trusted and kept following.

A ‘made-to-measure’ or fait sur mesure life doesn’t happen by accident. It is intentional. It has to be because it is far easier to just go along and follow the current of encouragement by the many lives that immediately surround us. Admittedly, the other reason many don’t live a fait-sur-mesure life is that it requires courage.

But I have good news for you! Those feelings of fear and being scared primarily happen in the beginning, and even if they do pop up later along our journey, they aren’t nearly as intense or considered a deterrent, but rather simply an obstacle you will be navigating around, and that is something you will do without hesitation. Why? “When you start to witness the satisfaction [your custom specifications] bring,” you start to trust that the permission you have given yourself to build a life fait-sur-mesure is more than worth the initial uncertainty you have to face.

How and where do we begin customizing our life?

1. Start by embracing the truth that you have one life to live, Memento Mori

The authors remind readers of this Latin phrase, as it means, “Remember, you must die.” This isn’t to sound macabre, but to shake us each awake to the reality that is part of the contract we all make by simply being born. And then the question becomes, as poet Mary Oliver encouragingly nudges with her asking, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

2. Determine the ingredients, or ‘measurements’ of what you want your life to feel like.

What do you want to wake up to, be able to enjoy doing, see, and experience? You won’t get it perfectly bespoke on the first design, no designer can do that; that is why they have fittings, but you need to start somewhere, and then you start living in a way to bring those ingredients into your life. Some will be more readily available, and others will take time. Part of living a simply luxurious life is having the courage to be a student of ourselves and then choosing to learn the skills that will give us the way of life (relationships, career, etc.) that will help us build the life we are dreaming about, the peace we seek to experience, the fulfillment that is possible when we tap into our true selves’ capabilities.

3. Whose fait-sur-mesure life inspires you?

One of the gifts I receive from being able to welcome guests onto the podcast is choosing people who offer inspiration for bravely living their own unique lives. They don’t necessarily live a life I would want, but they have chosen to live their own life. Asking them how they did this, what they had to overcome, and anything that provides insight into how they knew they wanted to travel the route they chose, even though it was different from a traditional path or their previous one, is something that has been fascinating to hear them speak about.

Whoever exemplifies to you a fait-sur-mesure life, whether you know them to talk to or not, maybe you’ve read their biography or watched a documentary, learn more about their journey as it is made available to do so. Ask questions. “Was it hard to give themselves permission?” That question, as suggested in The Upside of Uncertainty, will help to remind us that stepping forward is, by its nature, going to be scary. Hearing from others who have traveled their own trail and overcome this fear will be self-strengthening to forge your own path forward.

4. Start in small ways

Whether in your clothing choices, a signature look of some sort. You do this not to get noticed, but rather to build your courage to embrace choices that lift you up and sing your song.

Or maybe it’s how you decorate – a single room, such as your office or bedroom, or a larger space or entire house or home.

Rituals. Any regularly repeated activity or manner that emotionally feels good to you, this is a way to customize your life. And when you experience how it strengthens, comforts and nourishes you, it starts to strengthen the seeds you have sown to continue forward in building your entire life to suit what supports you coming to life and living your dharma.

5. Plan a trip, a visit, a tour, etc. that embodies many of your bespoke ingredients

I love this suggestion made by the authors, and have found it to be tremendously confidence-strengthening when it comes to making permanent customizations to a life that is fait-sur-mesure. With nearly every trip I take to France or England, I choose places on my itinerary, including my accommodations, that speak to what I think (and want to confirm, or already know and want to enjoy) is best suited to my ‘size’ and preferred way to feel nourished. After all, if we have never experienced something and only think we may like, for example, a high-waisted pant, we won’t know for sure how it feels until we try it on and move around in it as we would in our daily life. This is how we alter our initial list of ingredients so that it eventually becomes truly made to measure to our tastes and needs.

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At the heart of what we’re talking about when we choose to build a life that is fait-sur-mesure is choosing to live a simply luxurious life, because no two simply luxurious lives are the same. They can’t be. We are each different, with different strengths born with us and skills nurtured along our life journey due to experiences, events, and people we encounter along the way. We live in different parts of the world at different moments on the calendar’s evolving journey forward. Our passions, what tickles our curiosity, can’t always be explained as to why they arise, but if we know ourselves, we know they are true to what brings us to life.

Our personal ingredients are unique, and we enrich our life each day by understanding what those ingredients are and welcoming them into our life, while letting go of or choosing not to include those that dull the flavor.

If you are just beginning to build your fait-sur-mesure life, may today be the first day you start to listen to what brings you life as well as what sinks your soul. Note it in a journal – what you are learning are the quiet directions of how to find your way. And if you are already on your way, as I know many in TSLL’s grand far-stretching international community are, then keep being brave, savoring the nourishment, and letting the life you are building bring more peace into your days so that you can extend that peace out into the world. Bonne journée.

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