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“Equanimity is the practice of maintaining mental calmness & evenness of temper, especially in challenging situations.” —PositivePsychology.com
Dynamicism embodies the ability to move, adjust, adapt and thus thrive in whatever environment one finds themselves. To be dynamic is to be fully alive and thus living fully the life that we are given.
Whenever we talk about contentment and what lies at the heart of experiencing contentment and how I introduce the Contentment Masterclass is the idea of a vehicle that provides us a mode of transportation along our life journey. When we are content, the motor of our vehicle that creates the abiding peace during any type of driving conditions (life and world events outside of our control) is the learned skill of equanimity.
“Equanimity is a state of psychological balance and stability. Evenness of mind and temper allows us to navigate the many curveballs that life may throw at us with grace and serenity.” —PositivePsychology.com
At first we might see the term equanimity and recognize the root ‘equa’ which does mean equal or equivalent, but the difference between the term being equal and the more precise term equanimity is that not all moments in our life our the same, but how we engage with them is the same, and that is our ability to remain calm. This is far easier to do and requires less energy and focus when all is going as we would like. It is when we are faced with stressful moments – either of our own making (suffering) or outside of our control (pain) – that we will need to be more intention, more thoughtful and considered in our words, actions and thoughts. (explore the difference between suffering and pain here)
Notice that equanimity is described as a skill. This is awesome news. We do not come out of the womb with the ability to keep ourselves calm, yet remain loving and kind while honoring our integrity, in difficult situations. It is a skill we choose to learn, and like most skills, it takes practice. We will wobble and feel very uneasy in our first attempts at holding ourselves calmly in an agitating moment, watching our words with care before uttering them or deciding whether or not to respond. This will take extraordinary reserves of energy as we welcome this skill into our toolbox of contentment. But the more we engage in such a way, it gradually becomes our default. And as we witness the peace we feel afterward, knowing we are at ease with how we engaged, what we said, and how we spoke (our tone and our words), we are self-encouraged to continue to apply this skill moving forward.
I have been wanting to bring this episode/post to you for a while. To break down and explore exactly what equanimity is as it plays a fundamental role in the Buddhist psychology in approaching everydays, our relationships, our decisions and thus our entire life. This ethos guides much of what living simply luxuriously is all about, and if you are new to the blog or podcast, I welcome you to read the Introductions page of TSLL where I explain exactly how and why Buddhism (not a religion as I explain in detail, but rather a chosen knowledge of our mind and thus how we engage with the world and ourselves to prevent suffering, to be kind and loving, but also to contribute uniquely as we can) inspires the teachings in both the Contentment Masterclass, but overarchingly here on TSLL.
episode #403: 10 Ways Integrating Buddhist Psychology into Your Everyday Life Cultivates Contentment
And being a logophile (someone who loves words), I wanted to share with you what equanimity means in Latin. As already mentioned above, equa or more specifically aequus from where equa is derived, means “even, level” and animus means “mind” or “spirit.” We put them together and we have equanimity, a word that describes the characteristics of being able to remain composed, open, non-reactive, and calm in the face of challenging or distressing circumstances.
This is where we begin, knowing what the word literally means. Now, let’s dive into how to we practice this skill in our lives and the many opportunities to do so.
Where and How to Use the Tool of Equanimity
1. Accept what is – the reality of the situation, seeing it objectively, free of bias
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” —Marcus Aurelius
When we possess the knowledge of equanimity, we know that we cannot control everything that happens, only ourselves (thoughts, words, actions). This helps us to be present in the moment and see what is actually happening because we want to understand what actually is going on so that we can make the best decisions for ourselves.
If we arrive at any situation with a narrow view of what we will let ourselves see or hear or even feel, then we do a disservice to ourselves and the full potential that the moment possesses.
Equanimity reminds us to accept what we witness, and in order to fully witness, we must not bring our biases, expectations and judgments to the moment. This is where meditation helps us. It gives us the reins on our mind to step back and observe without commentary and see all that actually is.
Once we see clearly, then we can act in the most constructive manner. This helps us to avoid reacting, and as I will later in this list, rest assured, it does not mean we condone what is happening should it be destructive or harmful in anyway. If you would like to explore this idea further, be sure to listen/read the mini-episode shared below.
Un Moment de Méditation: No. 23 — Acceptance Is Where We Begin
2. Observe without judging
“Equanimity arises from the power of observation- the ability to see what’s happening around you- without getting attached to what you observe.” —Handel Behavioral Health
Overlapping with what what shared above regarding acceptance, equanimity reminds us to be present without judging. This is actually quite liberating and doing this alone will bring more ease to your day. You aren’t coming with an agenda of how all must unfold, but instead choosing to see what is, contributing in your most integral and loving-kindness way and dancing with the moment. By letting go of being attached to the result, while they might not always be what we would prefer or had imagined, sometimes, they can be even more than we knew was possible.
3. Understand that accepting isn’t condoning any unwanted behavior or events
Accepting, seeing clearly, does not mean you are supporting unwanted events, behaviors, etc. Absolutely not. What acceptance provides is a pause and the opportunity to see clearly. It prevents reactivity which results from emotions being set loose without monitoring what could be a constructive opportunity.
More importantly, when we take the time to pause, we also get to examine ourselves and explore why we feel the way we do, why we might have been triggered. While this can also also help make a better decision moving forward for the larger whole of all people affected, it can also serve as an opportunity for us to heal ourselves.
4. Keep a regular mindfulness practice, meditate regularly to train the mind
Research has demonstrated that when we have knowledge of our mind and the ability to step back and observe our thoughts, especially during unwanted situations, our brain activity actually shifts from the impulse mode (amygdala) to the prefrontal cortex which gives us the ability to use logic, reason and wisdom.
One of the core skills of living a life of true contentment involves a mindfulness practice, and this includes the ‘mind-muscle toner’ that is meditation. Throughout the Contentment Masterclass you will learn a wide-array of mindfulness practices. I will also provide a guided meditation with me, walking you through how to establish your own practice and in January, I began a limited 52-part series of 3-5 minute guided meditation episodes for you to listen to while you meditate (text is also available) – explore that series here.
A worthwhile skill to learn. A skill we choose when we want to bring peace and ease into each and every day. It is the way to have a balanced engagement with all aspects of life. As Handel Behavioral Health teaches, “It is standing strong in the midst of turbulence. With equanimity, you do not hide from the aspects of life that you dislike or cling to the aspects that you prefer.”
Just as important as knowing what equanimity is, let me quickly share with you what it is not, but to the uneducated observer, it may appear as such:
- apathy
- indifference
- insensitivity
- withdrawing
Now that we know what equanimity is and how opportunities to apply the skill will appear in our lives, I want to share with you further encouragement to make it a part of your daily approach to life. Let’s explore the many benefits of equanimity.
Benefits of Equanimity
1. Wise action is taken
From a place of observation, and not reacting, we give ourselves a moment to pause should action be necessary, to know what the next best choice is for the situation. All we need to discern is what the next best step is for us. When we do this, we not only feel better in the moment but after the moment has passed even if it takes great discipline and composure to do what is best in the moment.
2. Ability to remain calm during unwanted or stressful situations
While initially not at first, but eventually and then enduringly down the road, remaining calm in unwanted, difficult or stressful situations will be your default. Knowing that this is the case will bring you peace of mind prior to anything happening. You have given yourself this skill, and that skill is powerful in knowing that should tensions arise, should anything that involves things beyond your control occur, you can keep yourself composed well enough to do what is best for you so that you feel at ease following the situation’s resolution or conclusion.
3. Clarity is gained about people, events, relationships and the world
I keep mentioning the pause that we take that is part of exercising equanimity, but it contains a vast wealth of benefits when we practice it. Yet another one is that by taking that pause, we start to see what is being presented to us with clarity. We begin to recognize when what is happening has nothing to do with us, even though we are present. We start to recognize people’s triggers, if they are pained by something, if something delights or interests them, if they are listening, if they truly care. Red flags as well as green flags become far easier to discern, and this makes our decision making easier as we better understand what is happening even if it isn’t directly stated or goes unspoken. We aren’t mind-readers, but rather given information that then may prompt a question to then gain more information, or make a suggestion that would calm the situation.
Instead of being told what to think by either the person we are talking to, the news we are hearing or reading or seeing or advertisements or influences on social media, we observe with our critical thinking mind and know what is actually going on and what questions to ask that are going unanswered or avoided, as well as their motivation for the events happening as they are.
4. More compassion for others, the world, and ourselves
Once we remove the judgment and expectations, we open up space to see each person as they are, letting them show us themselves without our interference. We then can make our decisions about how much or how to engage, but we see each person’s humanity and that they simply want to be free to be themselves and what makes them happy. We want the same for ourselves.
By understanding that others are also just trying to figure it out, trying to navigate the unknowns with the best skills they have, we can be compassionate without agreeing. Explore episode #410 to dive more deeply into what true compassion is.
5. Patience strengthened
Through practicing the skill of equianimity, over time, our patience is strengthened. In fact, taking that pause before we speak or act eventually becomes a default habit, a constructive one that requires less energy and conscious thought.
A simple way to begin practicing is with inconsequential, yet annoy occasions. Take for example any of the following:
- A fire siren in the middle of yoga class that is racing through the nearby city street.
- The neighbor’s dog barking incessantly.
- A long line at a favorite or necessary shop you frequent.
- Slow or halted traffic
Now with each of the scenarios above, reacting wouldn’t help in the moment and it would only cause you more stress. Responding whether engaging in a helpful knock on your neighbor’s door to see if they were all right or if you could help with the dog if you knew their four-legged companion and felt comfortable, or engaging in benign, yet positive conversation with fellow line-standers or reading a book, or listening more closely to your book on tape while in traffic are all constructive choices to engage with a situation in you which you have little if no control. Which then leads to give you an opportunity to think about how to engage in a way to not experience the same unwanted event again.
Take for example, my neighbor who rents out her house. She and I get along well, and her guests have been wonderfully quiet over the years. One renter unknowingly left one of the exterior lights on all night (not a front porch or garage light where they would need to see), and it happens to be a light the shines directly into my bedroom. While not thrilled about this, I did sleep through it, but decided that if the opportunity arose and I ran into them, I would ask them if they could turn it off when the area wasn’t in use. As luck would have it, we were both in our respective driveaways, and I welcomed them to Bend, and asked my request. They said of course, and even left a note with my neighbor saying they had a nice exchange meeting me.
What we may want to fix immediately, may not be possible, but reacting certainly won’t give us the results we want, and quite a few we don’t. By taking a pause, staying calm, we are better able to see the opportunity or best decision to make to move forward well. This takes patience, and each time we exercise our equaniminity, our patience is strengthened.
6. Insight into whether to engage in a conversation or let go
When we give ourselves the moment to pause and simply observe, we give ourselves time, as much as necessary, to decide how or if to respond.
Dr. Meyer Tapia of Stanford Lifestyle Medicine recommends exploring the answer to each of these questions to determine which would be best:
- Which choice feels like freedom—having the conversation or letting it go?
- Does not having a follow-up conversation feel like a self-betrayal, or that you’re not standing up for yourself or speaking your needs and boundaries?
- Could a conversation make the situation worse or put you in an unsafe position?
- Make a list of what you need and want from this conversation and ask what the other person might need or want.
- Explore further questions here in this detailed post.
7. Build healthier relationships, void of co-dependency
“By maintaining equanimity, we can relate to others without being swayed by personal preferences, biases, or expectations.”
Because we learn how to take responsibility for our own suffering, not blaming others or expecting others to make us happy, we build security and trust within ourselves. Our strengthened awareness also gives us the ability to see with clarity others and how we truly feel in their company – comfortable or ill-at-ease, relaxed and free or smothered and limited. When we trust and honor our needs, we begin to choose healthy and secure individuals, and choose to walk away from those who need to heal. Their healing is not our responsibility.
“There is a mindfulness principle that suffering is the result of wishing things were different, so when it comes to our relationships, we suffer a lot,” says Sarah Meyer Tapia, PhD, Certified Mindfulness Facilitator and Head of the Stress Management pillar of Stanford Lifestyle Medicine. “But, when we cultivate equanimity, we can start to accept people as they are; we become less reactive and more understanding in our relationships, and ultimately we suffer less.”
8. Improved relationship with ourselves
A shift occurs when we strengthen our mindfulness skills. When we realize how we cause suffering and how we alone can nip it in the bud by accepting responsibility instead of blaming or continuing to make the same decisions that caused the suffering, we embrace the power that has always been ours to build a life that is nourishing and helps us realize our full capabilities.
This is not an act of self-criticism, but rather self-compassion because we are accepting an unwanted feeling, not suppressing it. We don’t wallow, but observe and see it clearly, assessing but then moving forward, making a wise decision to nourish a better outcome in the future.
9. Reduce stress
Reflecting back over all that has been shared already, not reacting, engaging constructively, and much more, we begin to get out of our own way and make wiser decisions that avoid what would have been stressful situations made so by our ignorance of not knowing how to best engage.
Notice I used the verb reduce not eliminate, because as we know, life will involve stress, and some acute stress is both chosen and when not chosen, constructive. It is when unnecessary stress is part of our lives that we suffer, and equanimity helps us to avoid that.
10. Strengthened well-being for ourselves and others we cross paths with
“By embracing equanimity, we can transcend personal biases, prejudices, and judgments, leading to a more inclusive and harmonious outlook on life.”
With applied equanimity we begin to create a healthy community of connection with all people that we encounter. We practice seeing the humanity in others, and any biases, prejudices have the space to fall away as we discover they were a disservice to our well-being in holding such barriers that prevented us from connecting and to others’ well-being as well in our not seeing that differences are just that differences, not something that makes us inferior or superior to another.
11. Freedom, and thus, an abiding peace every single day
“The willingness to observe without getting caught in reactivity and results leads to a more peaceful and fulfilled state of being.”
Because we are removing responsiblities that were never ours in the first place and getting rid of habits that were not helping us to see clearly, thus causing more stress (judgment, prejudice, expectations), our burden has been lifting and we feel lighter, and thus freer, more energized and able to think with an open mind. This is how peace is experienced. This is how we avoid suffering.
“Accepting the unknowable nature of things to be just as they are, instead of letting them overwhelm you, invites greater peace into your life.”
While a word that appears fancy or a tad confusing (or was to me until I explored it), equanimity is in many ways a life-lifter. Much like a sieve, it prevents what we don’t want and what is avoidable to eliminate from entering our lives, and what we must enage with, we are giving a healthy pause to understand how to best do so. We must choose to use it. We must pull out that sieve from the kitchen utensils canister and apply it consciously to our days, interactions and news received, but it’s a simple tool to use and seeing the beautiful life benefits of an abiding peace will have us reaching for it time and time again.
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