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During unwanted moments we discover whether we understand and are truly living a life of contentment.
Contentment does not numb us from feeling any particular emotion: the desirable, the feared and everything in between and all around. In fact, it does just the opposite. Contentment provides the clarity to see with pristine vision what we are feeling and why we are feeling what we do. Coupled with this Emotional Intelligence (EQ), we now have the skills to know how to engage with each emotion constructively.
The skills you learn along the road to living a life of true contentment fill your toolbox with wisdom, strength and compassion.
We gain these skills in this order as well: first, wisdom; followed by strength which leads us to compassion. Today, I’d like to share with you what each of these look like in our everydays so we can rest assured that indeed we are living a life of contentment, and we will navigate well through any unwanted moment that occurs along our journey.
Compassion
Let’s talk about the latter first because in the instances when an unwanted moment has occurred, it can be shocking to know that compassion comes into play and that it is in fact a healthy and not a passive behavior.
In episode #391, the skill of compassion was shared as being one of the six often unexpected gifts we receive when we live a life of contentment. This compassion extends to not only those outside of us, but to ourself as well. When we extend compassion to ourselves, we give permission to honor our feelings and what we value. This is the practice of integrity. Integrity to oneself. David Richo, author of Daring to Trust, a book that inspired episode #319 of the podcast, teaches the paired approach of how to engage with others to build healthy relationships built on trust, and that involves engaging with integrity and loving-kindness.
Regarding integrity, by honoring our feelings, we do so in a way that is nourishing, not destructive. We don’t step back and give up or permit ourselves to be walked over even when someone wishes to get their way and to do so would violate our needs and boundaries that we have set. We do not buckle or roll-over, but instead uphold our integrity. And should they attempt to guilt or shame us for our choice to honor ourselves, we now know their behavior is a reflection of them, and their lack of respect for us. All the more reason to hold our integrity firmly.
And the second part of being compassionate is to engage toward others, even while you are upholding your integrity, is with loving-kindness (this includes toward ourself as well). This could involve or present itself in a myriad of ways, but it always holds at the forefront the knowledge of the humanity in all people and other sentient beings. We speak genuinely and sincerely. We speak the truth, even if it is hard to receive, but you do so directly, not maliciously nor with subjectivity. We speak and act to help, not to harm. In other words, how we feel, and the objective facts are valued, and not allowed to be dismissed or ignored simply because someone else doesn’t like them or such information stands in the way of what they want to do.
While I encourage you to read/listen to episode #391 for more in-depth exploration of what this compassion looks like when we extend it to others, especially others who we would rather and will no longer engage with, what is important to realize is this compassion is similar to a Miss Marple microscope that sees what is really behind the actions and choices of those who cause us pain. We don’t excuse their behavior nor the unwanted event, but we don’t let it bring us down to their level, nor drain us of our most precious resource which is the finite energy we have each day.
Compassion gives us the buffer, the distance due to our mindfulness practices and exercises, to no longer engage or take personally what is thrown our way because it isn’t about us even though it appears so on the surface. By not being distracted or thrown off course, thus drained by what is attempted to be projected onto us, we remain strong, calm and carry along the road we have chosen, honoring the values and doing the work we know aligns with our dharma to the best of our ability.
Wisdom
Now, let’s step back to wisdom, the first general skill gained along the road to cultivating contentment.
The wisdom gained through acquiring the skills of contentment leads us to our true selves, as well as provides us with the tools to navigate in the world where we will never have control over everything. When we know ourselves sincerely, absent of all external influences, expectations and pressures from the outside world, we gain clarity about what our dharma is.
Remember, dharma is the simple equation of what we each can uniquely give to the world that infuses us with energy (doesn’t drain us even if we are good or do this ‘something’ well) and that constructively gives the world something of value. We explore this exploration to be able to understand with confidence what your dharma is in The Contentment Masterclass, and while it takes time to know what our dharma is, there will always be hints and clues that we are on the right path that is uniquely ours.
The wisdom of ourself provides the ability to engage with the world where we can be of assistance and also the wisdom to know where we would be draining our energies to engage as others might choose to do, and with good intentions and perhaps encourage us to do so along with them. Instead we leave the latter to those whose calling/purpose/dharma it is to engage how they choose, and we focus on our path.
Wisdom also gives us the self-knowledge to know what we need to care for ourselves well in the interim before we start taking action. Because we know that reacting will not be constructive, we have established a trust in ourselves to know we will respond when we are nourished and clear-eyed about what we will do. Until then, we care for ourselves lovingly through the rituals we have already thoughtfully established (not routines, but the rituals which enables us to get back to calm, to be soothed, to heal – be sure to explore the difference full of oodles of examples in this episode/post).
For example, we continue the partake in the nourishing morning ritual we look forward to every day. We spend time in nature. We exercise. We garden. We share time with those who are loving, nourishing and value us and we them. We extend kindness. We continue our evening and sleep rituals to ensure we get a full night’s sleep. You get the idea. This list could go on and on, but what is important is that it is your ritual – something you were doing before the unwanted event occurred as you consciously designed and chose it with intention as a way to enrich your life regularly.
When we are living a life of contentment, we have already set up the structures of rituals preventatively that cultivate a life we love living. And when things don’t unfold as we want, these rituals are there to care for us until we are ready to get back to engaging fully with the world.
This is why Contentment is the mode of transportation within which we travel along our life – our everydays – the celebratory ones, the everyday ones and the heartbreaking ones.
This vehicular analogy is what I use to describe the concept of Contentment in the trailer for the Contentment Masterclass. Contentment as a mode of travel carries us steadily through all our life moments and keeps us safely, calmly and enjoyably on the life journey that is uniquely ours to live if we have courageously embraced our dharma once we discover it. The quality of our life is raised when we embrace contentment because the unwanted moments will not pull us off course, and will actually provide opportunities and gifts if we choose to find them. Which leads me to the strength we gain as we cultivate contentment . . .
Strength
During difficult times, unwanted moments and life events that seem impossible to overcome, we have a choice. Actually, we have many choices.
Our old self may feel it necessary to dwell, rage and blame. Understandable? Yes. Helpful? Actually not at all.
Hear me out. Each of these above mentioned choices are reactions, not responses. And when we are living a life of contentment we know the difference between reacting (not being in control and/or not aware of our emotions) versus responding which exemplifies the opposite – knowledgeable of our emotions, taking time to observe from a distance the moment and not engaging until we know we will be constructive in our decision-making process, or reach the realization that engaging isn’t necessary at all. (learn more about the difference between the two here).
On top of that, when we react, we drain our energy and prevent ourselves from doing what we can uniquely do that will in some way improve or bring out the scenario and events we value. This is not to say that we suppress our emotions. Nope. Remember what we talked about earlier. We acknowledge our emotions and each feeling, understanding that feeling them is healthy, but reacting to that feeling is not. We also know that feelings are evanescent (temporary), so we give ourselves time to heal, to process, and then we respond as necessary.
Strength also shows up in realizing that there is an opportunity to be found, even in the most unwanted moments or events in our life. It takes courage and strength to look for it, but this is easier to do with success when we know what our dharma is. Why? We have clarity to know where and what to look for because we know what we can uniquely give. We know not to waste our energy or time looking at everything that might arise as potential ways to use our energy, and instead have a more focused scope through which we look.
Sometimes during unwanted moments, the gift is to deepen our appreciation for what we value and no longer take it for granted. In other instances, it is to start living fully without promises and step off the sidelines. In other words, to be brave.
Oliver Burkeman points out in his concluding chapter of Meditations for Mortals that when we finally realize that we are mortal, we stop waiting and start living, realizing our life is now. By accepting reality, whether that be accepting that we are mortal, accepting the unwanted moment, or accepting that we will never be perfect, we are not saying that what happened is okay or that we are okay with it. But we aren’t denying that it happened. And simultaneously along with accepting, we can still take action. We can still pursue our goals. We set intentions and put forth effort to bring about change.
What accepting enables us to do is start to living fully in the present moment with clarity and with a little less fear, a bit (or a lot) more gumption and as Burkeman shares, “[permission] to abandon the dream of a fresh start and actually do one thing today that truly matters, and that makes life resonate more . . . and so you move forward into life with greater vigor, a more peaceful mind, more openness to others, and on your better days, the exhilaration that comes from savoring reality’s bracing air.”
Whether the unwanted event is the loss of a loved one, a frightening health diagnosis, a soul-shaking political outcome, or anything that not only rattles you, but shocks you to your core changing how you saw your life unfolding, keep in mind that you have far more in your control than you realize. No, you cannot control others, nor outcomes or events that involve others beyond your engagement. But what you must retain is the knowledge of what you can do, and then do so productively (in other words, applying the skills learned shared above) so that your chosen actions enhance the quality of your life rather than drain you which would then prevent you from living well and contributing to the world in the way that the world needs. Arguably in such moments, the world will need you more than ever to remember how to embody these skills in your thoughts, actions and words. And I know we can all do it.
Sending you love, strength and courage. Onward. 😌
Learn more about the Contentment Masterclass here.
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