That moment when everything appears to immediately shift.

Similar to a teeter totter/see saw or a balancing scale designed with two plates or bowls suspended at equal distances from a fulcrum. Gradually adding more weight to one side, it takes a moment for the scale to reveal which side comparatively weighs more and then, that side immediately drops down.

In many arenas of life we witness what appears to be an immediate change, but upon looking at the road that prompted the change, the steps were gradual, intentional and focused. Over time, repetition and application, the skills coalesced, and much like finishing a house that has been built from the foundation up, it is complete. But it takes time, knowledge and consistent effort to experience the benefits of that warm house to live everyday life away from the elements.

The same thing happens when we choose to understand what true contentment is, and then start learning the skills, applying them. Gradually, ever so slowly we are building up our ability to experience the amazing life benefits that will deepen the quality of our days and lead us to feeling deeply at peace and fulfilled each day. Not because everything is always going to go our way or be full of endless happy moments, but because we are grounded and knowledge of the skills that ensure we navigate well through whatever crosses our path that we have no control over and what we do have control over, we handle it with loving-kindness and integrity.

Which leads me to today’s topic: The surprising, yet unquestionably helpful skills and abilities we gain when we are living a life of contentment.

Each of the abilities shared below stem from the skill of awareness. Awareness not only of ourselves, but awareness of our surroundings, so a practice in being mindful.

In the present moment, if we are being mindful and thus practicing awareness, there are oodles of gifts to be received, but if we don’t understand these skills or don’t put them into practice, they conceal themselves, and remain hidden from our observation.

~Each of the skills, broadly awareness and more precisely, mindfulness and presence are taught and practiced in TSLL’s Contentment Masterclass. You can learn more about the course and take a look at the detailed syllabus here.

All of a sudden, many of the outcomes that will be shared below, will seem to arrive out of nowhere, but at the same time, nothing superficially has really changed. What has changed is our ability to understand and to make different decisions that better align with what is nourishing for our life journey. Initially, this might be unsettling, but because we have learned along the way the difference between reacting and responding, we allow ourselves time to sit with what we discover, extend gratitude for this newfound knowledge and make a wise decision in how to move forward well.

Let’s take a look at six skills and abilities we gain.

1. Where and when you suppressed emotions in the past

“If we train in awareness, we’re becoming more aware of everything. Not only in the things that we like, but also the things that we don’t. It’s this awareness that sets us free. Everything has its own sort of movement, its own sort of energy and if we don’t pay attention to the things that we don’t like, it doesn’t mean that there’s not a resistance there. Very often we will ignore or suppress those feelings toward the things that we don’t like and yet at some stage they have to come to the surface which is why sometimes in life we think everything’s going okay, and then suddenly we have a complete meltdown and we didn’t really realize what was living beneath the surface. So by becoming more aware of those things, we create an environment where they can safely, slowly come to the surface. Where we can see them. Where we can let go of them, and find a place of stability in the mind.” —Andy Puddicombe

A beautiful and at the same time heartbreaking thing happens when you gain awareness and start putting it into practice with people who have been in your life for some time, people that you likely didn’t feel you could fully be yourself around but you couldn’t pinpoint or didn’t feel safe to speak up, or feelings of anxiety arose when you were in their presence. You almost immediately begin to see clearly the actions and words that prompted you to shrink, to remain silent, to get along and not ’cause problems’.

And in these moments of aha, your heart will break and at the same time be set free. How so? First, you will finally feel validated that your discomfort when you were younger wasn’t in your head or false – there was something that caused you to feel this way and you have every right to honor your needs; and second, you realize that a change has to happen for you to heal.

“The more you heal, the more people might fall off. Some folks won’t be able to handle the changes you’re making, the boundaries you’re upholding, or the standards you’re setting—but their absence creates space for more aligned relationships. Growth and letting go can be bittersweet, but trust that you will find your people, and your people will find you.” —Alex Elle

One of the most loving gifts we give ourselves is to know how to handle things that we don’t like or don’t feel comfortable around. These things will not stop happening, but the frequency or the previous things that caused the discomfort won’t be repeated because you will be responding constructively and no longer suppressing your feelings. As meditation teacher Andy Puddicombe shares above in the quote, you see and acknowledge your discomfort, let it come to the surface and are able to then let it go because you now can trust yourself to handle well, by making healthy decisions regarding your boundaries, time and engagement, the situation so you no longer have to shrink or feel silenced.

2. A keen awareness of how you feel around individual people and why you feel what we do

Similarly to #1, not only are you no longer suppressing emotions, but you become keenly aware about how you feel around each person you come into contact with, and why, if any of them cause you to feel uncomfortable, or why you are drawn to certain people (or were drawn to certain people) that were not healthy to be around. Because you have awareness about yourself, and are healing yourself, you now know you are enough. You now know not everyone has to approve of you or what you do or say, even if what you say is still kind, you are strong enough to maintain your integrity while being kind and loving. In other words, you no longer feel compelled to say or do anything to gain approval when doing so would go against your values.

With that said, you begin to realize around whom you can be fully yourself and who isn’t comfortable with you being who you truly are, so you begin to make decisions about who you spend your time with. This isn’t an attack on the other person, but no longer do you take on the responsibility of trying to get them ‘to like you’. You let them be who they are, and then you move on to live your life. Because you understand how short life can be and no longer wish to minimize your experience to suit someone’s limited view of the myriad of ways it can be lived and savored.

3. Compassion for others as understanding is strengthened

The guiding journey toward contentment and the outcome of attaining contentment is repeated often here on TSLL and is taught in the Contentment Masterclass, and it goes as simply as this: Calm leads to Clarity which leads to Contentment which then leads to Compassion as taught by Andy Puddicombe.

When we rest in Contentment we not only apply the knowledge we have gained about ourselves to our decision-making and navigation of our emotions, determining how to respond, if to respond, etc., we also, with our new and strengthened awareness of the world around us can observe and recognize why other people may do what they do. We don’t make apologies for them and we don’t fix things for them, but we no longer fall prey to their attacks of guilt or shame or anything that is an effort to influence our behavior to their benefit if it doesn’t align with what is best for us. We have the distance now because we have strengthened our mindfulness practice (meditation) to be able to understand that another’s actions reflect their life journey thus far and we can now with sincerity extend compassion. Not pity, but a deep compassion that resides in understanding of what it means to be human.

Which leads me to #4 because we also don’t make the mistake of trying to solve someone else’s life trauma when it isn’t our responsibility to do so.

4. Understanding the difference between what is your responsibility and what is another’s responsibility is quickly discernible

A weight immediately removes itself from our shoulders when we stop expending energy, thought and time on what is not our responsibility. When something is our responsibility, we take action. We acknowledge a mistake and look for a solution. We look for the life lesson. We put our whole self into doing the job well, the task well. But when something isn’t our responsibility, we let go and we give others the chance to grow, to build confidence, and build healthy relationships not only with others but with themselves. Whether they choose to take the opportunity is also not our responsibility, but when we model this paradigm in our own actions – taking full responsibility of what is ours, but not interfering with others’ life journey and decisions – we demonstrate that there is freedom to be had, and also trust to be gained. Why Trust? They can trust that we won’t meddle, and they have the chance to grow in an area of life that the universe is saying, this is your lesson to learn should you choose to take the opportunity and step closer to the life you say you would like to live.

The same goes for our choosing to take responsibility for our own life. When we say we want to live a certain way, but instead are too busy complaining that things aren’t working out as we would like, we are losing sight of the lessons that should we choose to see them as such, will enable us to arrive at the desired destination. Contentment gives us the clarity to discern what is our responsibility and what is another’s, and that simplifies life so much, as well as removes unnecessary stress. Thus making life a whole lot more enjoyable to live. 🙂

“The right doors won’t open for you until you are the version of yourself that’s supposed to walk through them.” —@subconsciousthinkers

5. An attentive ear to what is said and thus what or how the person speaking sees the world

“Precise word choice is a reflection of precise thinking.”

There are oodles of lessons I have gained from continuing along my French language learning journey, and for the purposes of today’s post, it is my current inability to say precisely what I mean in French. I can’t. I speak simply, but not precisely. I get the general point across – the question I need answered, the answer to the question, but there isn’t much specificity or insight into the depth of my true knowledge of the situation.

As a teacher of the English language as it pertains to rhetoric and persuasion, words are powerful, and any subtle change in word choice can significantly alter the tone and thus the response from the listener(s). Why? Because the meaning of what you are saying changes.

Here is a classic example that I often here from people:

• The situation is one enthusiasm for an outcome, something that was chosen and eagerly anticipated, not feared. A loved one expressing their excitement for the event:
  • imprecise language: I am so anxious to see you!
  • accurate language of the true feeling felt by the speaker: I am eager to see you!/I am excited to see you (just don’t say the latter phrase in French because it meant something entirely different ;)).
• The point I am trying to make here is that many people misuse words, but the context reveals their meaning. It’s not wrong to say ‘anxious’, but it isn’t accurate to what you are feeling. Anxiety is a feeling of worry, unease or nervousness about an uncertain outcome, something that is anticipated to happen in the future. So to say you are anxious belies your lack of knowledge of what you are saying.

This may sound pedantic (unnecessarily picky), but the words someone speaks, and I have been guilty of falling into default phrases as well that do not accurately express what I mean), tell us what they feel comfortable with or uncomfortable with, as well as their awareness of their audience. For example:

• Word choice/phrases/observation – is it negative in connotation, positive, objective (benign)?
• When something is good or they like something, are they able (i.e. comfortable) acknowledging it? In other words, are they comfortable being vulnerable, instead of sarcastic or pointing out something as a joke?
• Do they look for the downside or the possibilities?
• What type of nicknames do they use to describe you or other people? Even if they are joking, are they loving or hurtful, belittling or kind?

The words someone else uses reveals an abundance about them and nothing about you. In a new book by neuroscientist Nicole Vignola, Rewire: Break the Cycle, Alter Your Thoughts and Create Lasting Change, she reminds that “Our words shape the way we think, and the way we think shapes how we feel; how we feel determines what we do, and what we do determines our belief. The words we use can have a downstream consequence that may seem minute when spoken, yet they trickle down into the core of our very being.”

Whatever the connotation, whatever the focus, whatever the tone, thus the words we choose “reinforces an internal belief that somewhere deep down [the speaker] must believe.” So take notice and ask these questions after you have spent some time with someone based on the words they use: Are they comfortable being loving? Do they know about that which they speak? Do they feel safe being kind?

Once you really start listening to people, and if you have at least a few conversations with them, you will start to observe patterns, and this is very informative. We can’t change people, but we don’t have to put ourselves in proximity with them as often or at all.

On the flip side, when we witness or engage with people who are patient and calm as well as brave in their word choice to be both precise and loving, when we feel comfortable, expressing gratitude for this is a brave gesture of our own and reveals that we realize their words are consciously chosen and not something that just happens.

6. Self-knowledge of energy sources and energy drains

When we learn the skill of Emotional Intelligence (EQ), we give ourselves a huge helping hand. To possess this skill doesn’t mean we can always control our emotions, but when any emotion arises within us, we can see it for what it is, note correctly why it has arisen and do what we need to dance with it in a healthy manner (whether the emotion is wanted or unwanted). An example of a good emotion that can lead to something we may not want is when something has gone incredibly well. A day full of highs and success and reason to celebrate. We are on top of the world. Then, the next day, we step back into our everyday life, a life we have curated and enjoy, but for some reason now, we feel a bit down as we move through it. If we have the skill of EQ, we recognize this ‘letdown’ for what it is, because it follows a huge dopamine rush from the day before and we want to maintain that high, but that high isn’t meant to be maintained, and so we don’t engage or prolong the ‘down’ emotion, and instead see it for what it is, and continue about our day. That is contentment in action – objectively seeing all emotions by stepping back to witness them, not deny them, and then also knowing that all emotions are evanescent. The ride through all days becomes more steady, and it also gives us permission to really savor that awesome day, but also see the beauty in the everyday and not expect it to be anything more.

The Harvard Business Review shared a study that part of our inability to accurately understand what drains or why we feel what we feel in any given situation prior to living a life of contentment is that we weren’t being objective in our analysis of the emotion. One of the most crucial skills involved with contentment is the ability to think critically, something I teach in detail in the Contentment Masterclass. When we think critically we are able to distance ourselves emotionally from the situation and be as objective as possible. How do we do this when it comes to understanding ourselves by asking ‘what’ versus ‘why’.

HBR shared this example: “Robin, a customer service leader who was new to her job, needed to understand a piece of negative feedback she’d gotten from an employee. Instead of asking ‘Why did you say this about me?,’ Robin inquired, ‘What are the steps I need to take in the future to do a better job?’This helped them move to solutions rather than focusing on the unproductive patterns of the past.” In other words, we may be stung by others’ actions toward us, but when we ask What instead of Why, it becomes clearer as to what circumstances, what details of the moment – words that were said, did they trigger something? Did their actions prompt fear or loss of control or anxiety due to previous experiences either with this person or someone who behaved similarly? – and we step back into what we can control and stop analyzing the other person, someone we will never have control over. We then have the opportunity to choose if we want to continue to put ourselves in the same situation, and if we do or have to, how to engage to better help ourselves.

I like to compare living a life of contentment in regards to these sometimes uncomfortable moments of aha and awareness arising to our full awareness as the strainer or colander that lets us now see what we didn’t understand before. Now with all of the skills learned, we are able to clearly understand ourselves and others around us that we engage in. With this newly gained clarity, we give ourselves both power and freedom to make decisions that nourish our life journey rather than restrain or limit us, and no longer perpetuate unhelpful habits of behavior.

Being presented with the moments and discoveries that arise when we begin living with contentment may at first be unsettling, but similar to setting a firm foundation, until we remove all of the air pockets and gaps, we won’t be truly at peace, forever fearful of placing a foot out of step or stretching too far in any direction. By working through these temporarily discomforting truths that are presented to us, we are given the opportunity to make different decisions than we did in the past, we are giving ourselves an awesome gift to live a deeply fulfilling life if we have the courage to seize it.

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