“The pauses in our life make our experience full and meaningful.” –Tara Brach, author of Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha

Stopping along your daily walk to take in the scent of the fresh air. Sitting down at the end of the work day at your desk, to just be still, before grabbing your coat and tote to head out the door. Taking a holiday free from the regular routine of work and daily life. When asked a question, not immediately responding, but instead pondering fully what was said.

These and so many other examples of literally pausing in our life is an act of living mindfully. An act of being present. And a decision that liberates us from unnecessary suffering and leads to building a life of true contentment.

To the point of liberating from unnecessary suffering, we discover that when we pause, we face fully whatever it is that is before us – externally and internally. We don’t race past it, we don’t jump to conclusions and dismiss the reality, and we don’t contribute any part of ourself (words of defensiveness for example) that is unnecessary or unhelpful to the situation.

As Tara Brach, the internationally known teacher of mindfulness meditation, who holds a doctorate in clinical psychology, and has become highly respected for her insight and expertise on Radical Acceptance teaches, “A pause is, by nature, time limited. We resume our activities, but we do so with increased presence and more ability to make choices [with a wise heart].”

The Benefits of Pausing

Improved decision-making

Pausing doesn’t mean that if we wait long enough, everything will resolve itself, or by being still, we won’t have to take action. It may appear that we are being passive but that would only be so if we remained still. Rather, what we re doing is finding our strength, composing ourself and gathering up the wisdom we hold within us that sometimes can be difficult to access in stressful moments. By pausing, we are making space to enable the wisdom, the gift of opportunity to happen. What I mean to say is that by taking a pause, we see what is really available to be seen, what can be known if only we would slow down enough to compose ourselves, to observe our emotions and why any one of them arise, and then, then, we are given much. We are given a wider perspective, but also an accurate, open space to fully see all that is and could be. And then we engage according to our inner compass. This is when we begin to discover the path to unearthing our dharma and living a life of contentment that is unique to each person who travels this path of liberation from unnecessary suffering.

As well, when we partake after the pause in such a way that aligns with our integrity while participating with loving-kindness so that we feel at peace with our behavior, and also are grounded in peace knowing we engaged with all that we couldn’t control, in a way that sits well with our conscience.

Avoidance of self-inflicted (and thus unnecessary) pain

We step back into resting in calm when we pause. No matter how fast our heart may be raising because someone said something that triggered our fear, our pain, our doubt-monster, instead of reacting, we are aware of our body’s physical internal reaction and mindfully take a deep breath (probably many deep breaths, as many as necessary) instead of speaking. We put ourself back into the seat of control, rather than being the flag that is whipped around the pole in the wind reacting. To use that analogy, you notice the wind has become fierce, so you pull you flag down to safely care and protect it before you let it fly again, but this time when the winds have calmed. This is what you can control in that moment. And in that moment, you take deep breaths, even remove yourself permanently or temporarily from the situation and give yourself time to assess what is best for you to do next. Whatever you decide to do, when it follows a pause, you give yourself the chance to “respond in a more balanced and effective way.”

No longer living by default and instead, opening our life up to new outcomes and opportunities

The reactions we had in the past in instances where we felt attacked, mistreated, or hurt in any way (verbally or otherwise), if we ever felt shame or guilt by our engagement (becoming angry, yelling or anything at all that went against our moral compass and awareness of what and who we are), as Tara Brach teaches in Radical Acceptance, we come to understand that those reactions occurred out of trying to protect ourselves, to stop the pain, to prevent further pain that we have felt due to treatment afflicted upon us that we didn’t have the tools to deal with well at that time. Thankfully, now we have the tools, beginning with pausing, a crucial first step of knowing how to put into practice radical acceptance, so that we can engage, should we choose, in such a way that brings us peace, that is both from a place of loving-kindness and integrity.

The defaults of protection in the past prevented us from healing, even though it felt like doing so was the safest thing to do to avoid further pain or to stop the pain from continuing to happen. Often it is with the help of a trained therapist that we can come to fully understand why we acted in such a way, and Brach’s book Radical Acceptance is a wonderful therapist-in-the-form-of-a-book to pick up to help us better understand our unhelpful defaults.

Once we acknowledge our defaults, we can stop them, and then begin to pause before deciding how to respond more constructively.

Solitude Becomes a Friend

“If we look at our own life, we see that such moments of presence often occur in times of stillness or solitude.” —Tara Brach

When we pause, we are not pursuing, we are not wanting, we are not running away, we are still. Solitude becomes easier as we become more comfortable meditating: the skill of being still with our minds and not engaging with the thoughts that arise, but noting them. Stepping back from them and realizing that they all eventually shift, pass and move on. It is the untrained mind that when we grip onto a thought, run down the rabbit-hole with it, perpetuates unnecessary suffering, anxiety and worry. Once we become comfortable in stillness, in pausing, in solitude, no matter how brief this moment is, we become more comfortable in our own company, and that is a peace that will always be with us. Knowing we have befriended our mind is a peace only we can give ourselves.

Healing Can Begin to Occur

“When we learn to face and feel the fear and shame we habitually avoid, we begin to awaken from a trance. We free ourselves to respond to our circumstances in ways that bring genuine peace and happiness.” —Tara Brach

We begin to become more aware of why we have lived defensively with our past reactions. We had our reasons. We were hurt. We didn’t feel we had support, and likely didn’t. We didn’t have the tools to understand what was happening and how to move forward in a loving, yet way of integrity for our life journey. Most importantly, our pain was real, and we did the best we could with the resources we had at the time. We tried to protect ourselves because we didn’t want to keep feeling hurt (however that hurt presented itself – not feeling enough, feeling incapable of doing something we dreamed of doing, etc.)

Now that we know the power of pausing, we can begin to heal ourselves and make different choices that are loving to our life journey while also finding peace with how we do engage in difficult situations. This is how we can say that living a life of contentment is a way of traveling through our days, each and every one, because there will be moments that are unwanted, painful, full of grief, anything that is undesired, but what we know is how to navigate them well – experiencing the emotions that arise fully (not suppressing them), but not lingering in any one emotion as we have a sound emotional intelligence, and then engaging with compassion both toward ourselves and any other party that is involved. These two parts are what make up Radical Acceptance. We aren’t dismissing or ignoring what reality is presenting to us, but we are not lingering or suffering needlessly by feeling helpless. We have the tools to move through step one well and we also know we need to engage, or continue to remain dynamic and our movement (words, behaviors) is guided by integrity and loving-kindness (compassion).

As Brach teaches, the acceptance we are talking about here is not saying that whatever happened is okay, but rather an acceptance of the reality that cannot be changed. From fully understanding the reality, we then make the best decision forward that aligns with what we realize we need to do, learn, change, etc. Which leads me to the final benefit of pausing . . .

We Become Equipped to See All of the Opportunities That Arise

The word opportunity initially, and rightfully so, carries a euphemistic connotation. And in fact, with each pause, an opportunity will always arise. Yep, a good thing, that is what an opportunity definitely is.

When we pause, we stop and hold ourself in the present moment. And in that moment, the more often we do this, in short or long-term ways (holiday break vs. a 30-second catch-your-breath-in-a-conversation moment), we see fully what is happening. What is being given to us, and because we have paused, is the opportunity to engage with it in a constructive way. Even if what is happening is not what we chose or would prefer, and maybe even what we loathe. However, it is because we are pausing that we can discover what is being given to us because we are seeing everything clearly and without past assumptions, limitations or biases (if we are aware of how these arise in our thinking).

Here on TSLL, we regularly talk about how even unwanted life events offer an opportunity. Everything is being given to us to help us. That ‘help’ comes in the form of inspiring us to learn a necessary skill we currently lack or make us aware of something we didn’t know existed and may be standing in the way of the progress or change we seek or strengthen our humility so that when the success we see eventually does arrive, we handle it with grace so that we don’t spoil the gift.

On the positive perspective of seeing opportunities, it is just that: We finally have the vision to know when an opportunity arrives and we need to pounce on it even if we’ve never done something so daring before in our past. These opportunities have a way of knowing what we can never know: how the world will change in one or ten year’s time, by which time if we put off seizing the moment, may never come again in such a way that would have been as advantageous. Of course, only we can know why we are seizing the opportunity, but if we know ourselves innately and sincerely, and are confident we are striding toward something, not running away from something, seizing the opportunity usually is a wise decision to make. However, because we are not reacting and pouncing without first pausing, we have peace in our decision being the best one for our life journey.

Take the pause. Take pauses regularly. Deepak Chopra calls this the breath of simple awareness. When we hold ourself in the present moment fully, not thinking, but instead fully seeing all that is in that moment – passing no judgment, having no opinion – we give ourselves the foundation of true freedom for a life that begins to elevate. Our choices become easier and more peace-driven even if temporarily uncomfortable to practice as we begin the journey of pausing before we respond.

Pausing, as shared in the examples at the top of the post, are not all associated with stressful moments. Not at all! In fact, once we begin to live a life of contentment, the super majority of our pausing comes from wanting to slow down and savor every moment of life. We pause to see how spring emerges out of winter. We pause to taste fully the buttery croissant. We pause to see our loved one’s face. We pause because pausing is to be fully present in the moment. Consider the quote below as a reminder that it is in the regular, conscious choice to pause that the art of living well resides.

When renowned classical music pianist Arthur Rubenstein was asked, “How do you handle the notes as well as you do?” his response was immediate and passionate: “I handle notes no better than many others, but the pauses—ah! That is where the art resides.”

Today, why not welcome just one more moment to pause for something that brings you a smile, for something you appreciate in your life, something that enriches the quality of your days. With each time you practice this consciously, it will become ever easier to become a positive default that runs throughout the entirety of your day. Bonne journée and thank you for stopping by today.

Learn more about the book that has become a classic in the teachings of Radical Acceptance. Originally published in 2003.

Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach

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