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“The moment being alone stops bothering you, your whole life levels up.” —Uriel Maksumov
With the holidays upon us, I have come to discover an unexpected gift of enjoying my own company during this time of year – the realization of what I most enjoy about the holidays.
And here’s the catch: when it is chosen, it is liberating. It’s clarifying, and as the quote above acknowledges, it is life-elevating.
This doesn’t mean we are alone 24 hours a day, or even live alone. What solitude, regularly savored, gives us is the life we say we want, but either haven’t yet realized or haven’t yet trusted to be dependable in what it gives us.
As we’ll talk about further along in our post today, part of the reason those of us who already do enjoy our solitude, however much or little we have, may doubt the nourishment is because our culture doesn’t value it or speak about it in as praising terms as it does social activities and living situations. Words are powerful. Propaganda, persuasive marketing, it all involves words, and how we speak about what is valued, when heard often enough, will influence our trust in what is possible, what we are willing to be brave enough to explore, even with all of the unknowns.
“Solitude, which is one of the most agreeable sensations of the natural man, and it is one of the most painful and alarming sensations of the civilised man.” ― William J. Dawson, The Quest of the Simple Life
The value of solitude, regularly experienced, has the capacity to bring peace not only into our lives but also, consequently, expand more widely into a community of peaceful people. And what better time of year to talk about peace on earth, non? How can we bring about more peace? By finding true peace within ourselves. Where do we find what we have so far been unable to locate to experience this peace – in the companionship of ourselves.
No, I am not saying you have to be single, but you can be. No, I am not saying you have to spend all day, all week alone, but you can. As you will discover below, the amount of solitude is as unique as each individual. The key lies in the ingredients of the solitude we partake in. Let’s take a look at how to embrace solitude, what we gain from it, and how to change the narrative around solitude in our culture.
“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” —Blaise Pascal, a seventeenth-century French mathematician, inventor and philosopher
Understand what solitude actually is
While solitude can involve being at a physical distance from other humans, it is not necessary. The wiggiliness of the definition comes into play when we ask the question, “How much physical distance?” Because we can savor moments of solitude while visiting a bookshop in our own company. Likely there will be others in the shop, but technically, this is a moment of solitude as we are not engaging with them. Similarly, a flâneuse/flâneur who wanders the streets of a foreign city while on holiday is absolutely savoring solitude even though hundreds, if not thousands, of people amble along all around them.
All of this leads us to understand that solitude is more a concept than a concrete way of experiencing a moment (or many moments) in time. Author of The Joy of Solitude, Robert J. Copland explains that solitude is the “perceived separation from others… less of a state of being and more like a state of mind”. Realizing the truth of what solitude is is a reminder of the importance of not only understanding how our mind works, but also to befriending it and becoming its master. (Explore the posts that discuss mind mastery here, and dive further into the knowledge of the mind when you enroll in TSLL’s Contentment Masterclass.)
Enjoying solitude takes time and intention
“If we really want our relationship with solitude to be healthy, we have to be willing to work at it.” —Robert J. Coplan, author of The Joy of Solitude
Coplan points out that even a regular 15-minute investment of solitude provides emotional benefits as discovered in a study based in the UK by two psychology researchers who had participants report at several random periods of their day, sharing what they were doing and who they were with, if anyone.
How to experience solitude is as unique and wide ranging as there are people on this planet.
Choosing solitude is the key
“Solitude can provide the freedom to think your own thoughts, feel your own feelings, and be your true self. In short, solitude can offer the freedom to choose. But—and this part is critical—to access this potential, to reap and revel in these freedoms, you must choose solitude as a place you willingly want to be.” —Robert J. Copland
Why are we doing it? So long as intrinsic motivation is our battery, then the gifts of solitude can be realized. It is when we are extrinsically motivated that we find our time alone unsettling, discomfitting, and as a result don’t fully engage with the moment nor bring our full presence.
Similarly to choosing to live alone, when it is a choice, then it becomes something savored, something reveled in and welcomed. Two years ago, I felt so fortunate to have researcher and author Dr. Bella dePaulo on the podcast (episode #370). Discussing her new book, which has now become widely acclaimed world-wide, as well as praised here in the States, Single at Heart: The Power, Freedom and Heart-Filling Joy of Single Life, she explained the joy that is to available to be found because we choose to be single; however, she points out, that the societal bias in many different forms – language, tax law, laws in general, benefits, estate planning and pensions, discredit the value of living alone. The overlapping finding that both DePaulo and Copland share is that when we choose our own company, that is when we experience the joy.
Once we understand the value of solitude, then we are more apt to choose to give ourselves time to experience it. And this simple act of choosing opens the door to the many benefits we receive, many of which we will begin to explore in the next point. As the quote below shares, we regain a power that has always been ours, but we often unconsciously give it away by not giving ourselves time to enjoy our own company.
“You can’t control someone who knows how to be alone. They don’t need you, they choose you. That’s power.” —source
Improve our relationships with others
“My standards are high because I provide what I require.”
Epictetus advises that we all should strive “to be able to be our ‘own companions’. When we strengthen the skill of being our own companion and understanding our thoughts and being the accurate interpreter of our emotions (emotional intelligence), it can free us from feeling the wants of others”. This is beneficial because we make decisions for ourselves, not to please, not to follow and be accepted, but rather to do what is best for us – what is nourishing, opening, and leads to fulfillment. Epictetus also “believed that we can identify the things that hurt us and then determine how to cure or remove the pain” when we engage in solitary introspection.
“When someone is good alone, they stop keeping people who drain them.”
Free ourselves from dogma
Yet another French philosopher comes to the side of the importance of solitude as Michel de Montaigne “opined that individuals should strive for experiences of solitude not only as a respite from societal pressures but also to free themselves from dogma, conventional ways of thinking, and the power of the group.”
Find freedom
“Solitude provides both freedom from and freedom to. Freedom from the pressures and constraints of others, and freedom to do as we please.” —Robert J. Coplan
Part of being able to gain freedom is to have the strength to seek out or speak up for what we need, to set boundaries, but also to be brave enough to actively engage in our life, rather than follow along. We gain confidence in knowing what is worth the temporary stress that sometimes comes with saying ‘no’ or doing something outside our comfort zone by getting to know ourselves through regular time in our own company.
Provides time to replenish depleted resources
An opportunity to replenish our attention, focus, and memory, when we give ourselves time in our own company, the draining of needing to be on for others stops, and we have time to reboot.
The power of nourishment provided by nature
Simply being away from the bustle of the urban street scene, where endless stimuli battle for our attention, when we step into nature, that stimuli is reduced to almost nothing. And our solitude away from human activity and creations by humans has been proven to make us feel calmer, simply by being in green spaces and other natural environments.
The importance of quality time
“To be satisfied with both our social and solitary lives, we not only need to spend sufficient time alone and with others, but we must spend quality time alone and with others.”
Part of the reason our solitude must be intentional is to provide us the opportunity to thoughtfully engage in the moment. Just as quality time with those we love, even if short, lifts our mood, fills us with support and reassurance, when we make the same conscious effort to savor our time alone – do what nourishes us, then the benefits are more readily and deeply experienced.
Where your flow is found
The concept of flow, as introduced by Hungarian American psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, is a state of ‘optimal experience’ while engaged in a particular task, and while yes, we can experience flow while in the company of others, an interesting finding has shown that for introverts, if they are in the presence of others, the intensity, the fulfillment of their flow states decreases. Our temperament plays a role in the benefits and ability to find a flow state, and for introverts, being in our own company is crucial to finding our flow. Creativity benefits greatly when we invite more regular moments of solitude, and speaking from my own experience, it has to been largely, if not entirely, while in solitude, that all of my creative ideas have come to the forefront of my mind.
Find the balance that works for you
“Social life is an essential ingredient of human happiness, but a social life without some solitude is like a meal without salt.” —The Voice of Experience, published anonymously in 1933
When we first start to seek out solitude, a feeling of guilt may be experienced. This guilt is a result of conditioning, of having for too long become accustomed to dismissing our needs, so it is to be expected that our nervous system is unused to speaking up for our needs. Even if supported by those we love, it still may feel unsettling at first. However, with time, as you discover the amount of regular solitude you need, when you make time for it or when you turn down requests of your time and energy, the guilt no longer will arise, and in its place, an ease of communicating without explanation what you can do well and what you need to do for yourself.
Speaking from experience, the guilt or unease is temporary as we begin to speak up for the solitude we need. What erases it as you move forward is the peace you find in giving yourself time to be in your own company. Once you experience the gift of being with your own thoughts, doing what you find energizing and resting your being, you realize how valuable this regular nourishment is, and instead of guilt I begin to feel a quiet confidence and appreciation to myself for respecting what makes me a far more contented and thus loving person when I do step back to engage with those I love.
The balance each of us will need is unique to each of us, but if we are feeling guilt initially, that is a sign we aren’t giving ourselves enough solitude. As you add the necessary amount of time of freedom to do as you need, the guilt will dissipate, your joy will rise, and you will find an ease to express with clarity, yet kindness, your needs.
Make solitude time more deliberate
“I spend time alone not to escape, but to return, to come back to the parts of myself that I lose in the noise of others.” —Lia Candelario
Studies continue to find that people who do something while in their own company (really anything) “report a more positive mood, less loneliness, lower levels of distress, and higher overall well-being than people who tend to do nothing when alone.”
Do it your way
Shift your mindset about being alone. Your positive perception of the benefits of solitude make it so. Just as the opposing idea makes it so. So, ask yourself and then follow your own advice – What would you most enjoy doing with time in your own company?
When it comes to using technology, use it (or don’t use it) in ways that are most likely to benefit you. Some of us may have no problem turning off our phone for an entire day, but others will simply silence it and choose to check it when they want to so as not to be directed by alerts that randomly occur.
The power of words – don’t be deterred by the culture’s lack of words to praise or value solitude
“Language remains an issue . . . the more positive-sounding generating words do not really evoke solitude in the same direct way that the more negative-sounding words do. For example, if I described someone as confident, mature, or independent, their relationship with solitude does not immediately leap out as a central feature, nor is it even highlighted to the same degree that it would be if I described them as a loner, hermit, or recluse.”
To be aware of the words that we both hear and utter to describe any number of situations when we might be alone is to have the opportunity to shift the narrative. We can only control our own words, but how we describe our time alone, how we describe time alone in general, when we are brave enough to say, Actually, I find it quite nourishing in my own company, then we give others permission to know that it is safe to say the same if it is the case for them as well.
One of the reasons I have chosen to talk about being single as a choice for my life (not the best choice, or the alternative choice, but the most nourishing choice for me, without any assumption about what is most nourishing for others) is to put the narrative out there. It’s not about being single or being alone or being coupled or doing things with others; it’s about living a life that nourishes you, that brings you peace, instead of simply following what is mega-phoned out into the culture as the ‘best’ thing to do for a good life.
Words are powerful – whether they are spoken, sang in a song, written in a screenplay to be recited in a film – so take back the power that we have unconsciously given away and speak truth to what is most nourishing for you.
Enjoy a solid return on your investment
The benefits are aplenty! From recharging our cognitive and emotional batteries, becoming more creative and more productive, reducing our stress, welcoming a calmer mind and being, and improving our memory. The benefits of regularly embracing solitude are available for us all if we choose to welcome it with intention into our daily lives.
The relentless pummeling of articles claiming that time spent in solitude is potentially problematic because it takes time away from social interactions has not been accurately reported. (Yet, another reminder to exercise critical thinking skills! Always question the study to see what it actually found and who was studied.) “The American psychology researcher Kaitlyn Burnell and her colleagues argued recently in an essay that although this notion remains popular, there is only mixed research support for such effects, with some studies even demonstrating that digital interactions can also strengthen real-world relationships.” The key difference is that it is chosen and what type of interaction you are having – a direct (engaged – communicating – talking directly in a variety of ways – DMing, texting, calling, in-person) or a passive one (scrolling on social media and gazing at what others are doing).
The fear of solitude is founded in ignorance of all that is to be gained. When we come to understand that how much and what type of solitude we experience is entirely up to us, the stress about it being a scary way to enjoy our time subsides.
Start slowly and with small amounts, but do so with intention. In time, you will begin to experience the benefits, and most likely be encouraged to add a bit more time. Once you find the sweet spot and exercise your voice to seek what you need, understanding it as a necessity rather than a luxury, life begins to evolve into a daily experience of enjoyed moments with others as well as in our own companionship.
The joy in solitude exists. As I have begun to revel even more fully in solitude in all walks of life, my life, as someone who has always enjoyed her own company, beginning as a little girl, I can recall the time of my life when I tried to follow what the culture said I should do regarding limiting time alone. My discovery: it was the most void-of-joy time in my life. This was my early to late twenties – so really, my twenties 🙃. As many long-time TSLL readers know, the blog began in 2009, just after I turned 30. I returned to what I knew before the culture infiltrated my insecure self that often arises when we head out into the world, and I rediscovered the importance of solitude. It was where my creativity came to life, where I found my energy, where clarity crystallized decisions about work, people, where to live, how to live, etc. I have never returned to my errant ways of eschewing solitude, but I am glad that time of my life happened because I know to be true all that was shared in today’s post/episode. The joy of solitude is real, its gifts life-changing.
“Joy can show us where we need to go, even when the path isn’t clear. It’s worth listening to that pull and letting it be our compass.” —Tiny Buddha
SIMILAR EPISODES/POSTS
episode #91: The Power of Solitude
Petit Plaisir
~This is Christmas (UK)
~Watch the trailer below:
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