“Love has the shape and feel of water. It is simultaneously flexible and powerful. It can adapt and roar; it can also be silently nourishing.” –Yung Pueblo, How to Love Better

We know we need to heal when we slip into being defensive, reactive or regress into any self-protecting behavior – anger, aggressiveness – passive or active. When we cling to perfection at all costs, avoid emotions especially during difficult times, have co-dependent relationships (i.e are unable to be alone for any duration of time), agree to whatever is asked of us whether we are truly able to or not, crave external validation, are highly self-critical and never feel we are enough, the list goes on, but these are many of the more common everyday signs to take note of and thus feel a nudge to discover how to heal. (check out the full list here)

The love we seek, love that is liberating and simultaneously instills a feeling of being at home within yourself, feeling accepted for your full and amazing self that you are. A feeling of both being safe and also energized to explore, grow and discover new ahas, begins with being loving to ourselves.

Without loving who we are, which requires that we truly know who we are, we cannot build a loving relationship with others, any type of relationship, not just romantic.

Today’s episode is inspired by a new book written by Yung Pueblo, How to Love Better: The Path to Deeper Connection Through Growth, Kindness, and Compassion. A book that he shares is about romantic relationships, but all that he shares can be applied to any relationship. Knowing this, I began to read it, and the first half of the book, ironically and wisely, is not about other relationships at all. It is all about the relationship between yourself and you, how to thrive and thus how to heal so that you can be loving to yourself and then loving to others.

If any of the items in the list shared above spoke to you or you recognized them in your patterns of how you live life currently and you want to change, you want to grow out of them and understand why you default to them, then this is the episode for you. Let’s heal, and then let’s learn how to assess whether we’ve healed or not.

1.Cultivate self-awareness

“Self-awareness helps you pierce through a lot of the mental conditioning that you never asked for, but that we all accumulate through life anyway. Through self-awareness you discover your genuine preferences and aspirations, not the things society wants you to strive for, but what authentically feels nourishing for you to spend your energy on.”

Honestly assess our own strengths and weaknesses, and while understanding that perfection isn’t possible, progress will always be an option. Self-awareness also gives you insight into other people. Such insight is helpful in choosing who and how to engage constructively and lovingly with others while also making choices to honor your needs.

The gift of self-awareness is objectivity. One tool for helping us strengthen our self-awareness is meditation. Meditation, as we have talked about many times before, but I will quickly summarize here, is not a stopping of the thoughts we are having, but strengthening the muscle to step back from our thoughts and be a third party that observes them rather than being in the throes of the storm of them. It gives us the ability to ponder whether to continue to think any thought as we decide whether it is constructive, or an unhelpful default we have become accustomed to sliding into unconsciously.

Another tool for strengthening self-awareness is journaling. Journaling provides the space to reflect – on our feelings, on events that disturbed our peace, anything we want to better understand. Through reflection, you gain understanding about yourself. This is our self-awareness growing. You then begin to make different decisions and gradually you begin to build a life for yourself and connections with others that are grounded in love, sincerity and compassion.

Through learning how to exercise self-awareness, we begin to heal ourselves, understand past pain and past choices that arose because we were in pain or were trying to protect ourselves. Now we begin to choose differently, thus live differently, connect with others who are truly loving and let go of unhelpful defaults and unhealthy relationships that undermined our peace of mind. Self-awareness is a gift we give ourselves that then becomes a gift we can extend as we become more loving with others.

~Explore the many benefits of self-awareness in episode #143

2. Putting down defensive habits once used to protect yourself

Once you have established and regularly put into practice self-awareness (but not before), you will begin to become wiser about those who are truly loving. You will start to stop expecting others to change, and realize in those instances you need to limit your time with such people as you can only be responsible for your own healing.

This can be scary, to begin to open yourself up to new people in any number of types of relationships, but trust that with self-awareness that gives you insight into yourself, to honor your needs, you also will see others more clearly as well.

With this trust in yourself, you can then begin to let go of defensive habits that once served a valuable purpose, to protect you from people who were hurting you. Now, you have begun to remove such people from your life and can start to connect, admittedly, likely and best if gradually, and soften yourself as you put your guard down.

3. Take care of yourself – intentional self-care

“It is important for the mind to arrive at a point of balance . . . a measured lifestyle where you strive to do good for others while simultaneously making sure that you are treating yourself well. Going too far in either direction will lead to inner tension and outer friction . . . in the middle of the two you will find greater levels of inner peace and fulfillment.”

Between putting into place routines as well as rituals to help you live the life that aligns with your life’s purpose while also ensuring your chosen responsibilities are tended to as well is to live mindfully. Whatever regular actions you need to take to keep your energy restored, these are not luxuries. They are necessary moments in your daily life. “Having restorative practices so that you do not burn out or fall out of balance is one of the best ways to love yourself well.”

While the balance is dynamic, again, your self-awareness comes into play. How are you feeling? Do you have energy to say yes, or would the loving choice be no? Do you need a pause this week from a regular activity you love so that you can fully heal a sore body or an exhausted emotional mind? Do so and don’t feel guilty because what you are doing is responding to what you need so that you can continue to fully show up for yourself as you stay the course on the path of your intentions while also showing up for those you love and doing so with loving-kindness.

4. Befriend silence and time in your own company

“Hard truth: Your relationship with silence will reflect how at home you feel within your own mind and body. If you need to constantly get away from yourself, there is unprocessed pain within you that needs attention and care.”

Initially, this may be quite difficult, especially if you have never enjoyed time alone. However, there is truth in the above quote. Again, utilize the tools of healing to gain self-awareness – meditation, journaling or working with a counselor, so that you can become a friend to your thoughts rather than fear them. Typically, when we fear or dislike being alone it is because we don’t have the tools to understand our mind and how to be the driver of it. Once we befriend our mind through understanding how it works, something taught in detail in TSLL’s Contentment Masterclass, we become able to befriend silence and enjoy our own company whether we are introverted or not.

It is when we have time in our own company that we discover what we truly love to do, what delights us, what energizes us, what captures our attention and curiosity without any other person’s influence. The foundation for figuring out our direction, for eventually unearthing our dharma, begins when we befriend silence and enjoy time in our own company.

~Later this summer, in episode #407 (August), I will be sharing an episode about Living Alone Well and the joys waiting to be discovered. While not everyone will choose to live alone, if we do live alone or want to understand why people who do chose it and love it, this episode will dive into how it can be absolutely simply luxurious.

Once we become in tune with ourselves, a self-awareness and self-knowledge so fully understood and thus honored in the choices we make moving forward, we begin to thrive. And when we are thriving, that it when we are best suited to enter into a relationship that has a foundation of good health, real love and potential to be quite extraordinary.

episode #379: How (and Why) to Be Your Own Best Friend

5. Responding instead of reacting

“Your healing is directly seen through the new calmness of your reactions. [In other words, you are no longer reacting, but instead thoughtfully responding].”

Self-awareness and consciously holding ourself in the present moment and seeing the actions and hearing the words of others with more objectivity, gives us the capacity to observe before doing anything at all. As we begin to respond rather than react, our relationships change for the better. Who we connect with becomes healthier and who we no longer unhealthily engage with gradually ebb from our daily life and thus the stress ebbs as well.

6. Practice humility

“Humility is one of the primary characteristics that gives stability to your inner peace. Humility requires a certain degree of inner balance where you have confidence in yourself, but you are also happy to hear the wisdom and experience of others in the hope that it may bring clarity to your own path.”

Where we let go of competition with others, comparison in other words, we are setting aside our ego. Where we set stop casting judgment, we set aside our ego. “Being humble simply means you are open, that your sense of self is calm and flexible, that you allow curiosity to lead as opposed to defensiveness and fear.” While ego has its role in small amounts, we must be at the steering wheel of when and how we use it if we are going to live with contentment. When we are at peace within ourselves, when we know we are enough just as we are even as we continue to grow, then humility is a tool regularly put into practice.

You will know are being loving toward yourself and healing when . . .

1. Your emotions still arise, but they don’t cause huge shifts of highs and lows.

Because you understand the nature of feelings, that they are fleeting and will pass. You let yourself feel them – unwanted and the desired ones – but you don’t either suppress or cling. You savor or take note to learn something about yourself and/or the situation, but then continue to be in the present moment.

2. Your life has become slower, moving at a more enjoyable pace.

Initially, you may feel you are moving through your days too slowly and not being productive enough, but what you begin to realize is that your productivity isn’t lessening, in fact, the quality is improving and your energy is being maintained, rather than drained. In fact, you may even discover your energy levels have increased. Why? Well, that has to do with the next one on our list . . .

3. You regularly exercise gratitude throughout your days.

Taking note of moments and sights that make you smile, that help the day run more smoothly or remind you of how awesome life is, your gratitude muscle is strengthened. Because you have slowed down your life and set the speed of ‘busy’ to the side, you now notice these moments to appreciate more often, and this act of gratitude is energizing.

4. Who you give time to is consciously chosen

The obligations of have-to, must-do, because we are related, nope, you do not live by those unhelpful rules anymore. You know why you are either choosing to or refraining from sharing time with someone, and it begins with what you need to nourish and care for yourself well. Your social network is grounded in nourishment and enjoyment. Relationships are reciprocal and loving. Vulnerability is exercised, not control nor obligation. Competition is absent, and a genuine feeling of care for each other’s happiness and fulfillment in their life journey is supported and encouraged.

5. Time is prioritized to both heal and grow

“Whether you have experienced trauma or not, everyone has gone through hard things and those moments leave marks on the mind that impact your thoughts and actions. Finding and using healing practices that work well for you can decondition the mind so that it becomes less defensive and more open to the natural flow and beauty of life.”

No longer do you label self-care as a frivolous ‘thing’ or activity. Instead, because you know yourself and what you need, you prioritize healing as it is necessary. Your self-awareness reveals to you when healing is needed, And you continually invest in self-growth as you humbly acknowledge, you are not perfect, but are doing your best.

Tending to Strengthening Our Well-Being, It Cannot Exist without Self-Care (no matter what others might say)

6. You honor the direction your inner compass points you.

You are making decisions that are brave and new, but you know they align with what brings you to life. The next chapter of your life calls you and you no longer doubt it. You may take your time to explore it, and do your homework, but you do not dismiss it. Because you are tapped into your inner truth, you know what energizes you and visa versa. You choose to invest. You choose to give it a try and embrace uncertainty because you will always have yourself, someone you sincerely trust.

Intuition: When to Trust It & When to Ignore It

7. Living and engaging with the world with loving-kindness and integrity is your modus-operandi

You are brave enough to be kind, setting aside negative or guarded comments fearing how others might respond to your joy of life. Cynicism and sarcasm are not part of your ethos. You are kind because it feels good to be kind. You have no expectations, only intentions to be an energy that is warm for anyone who meets you or engages with you throughout the day. However, you do not give in any way that impedes on your inner peace. You honor what you need to respect your needs whether others understand or support what those are. You sleep well at night as your conscience is clear, your heart is hopeful and your peace steady.

Choosing to be loving to ourselves is the first step to healing ourselves.

Many of us may want to heal, but we just don’t know how. It may feel selfish or even a luxury to heal based on what is needed, but in fact, it is both a loving thing to you and your future relationships that will be healthy and secure. So yes, it is a necessity to choose to heal.

Contentment resides where courage to continually grow into discovering what we can uniquely give is found. Wonderfully, that information is found within each of us, but we have to do the work, the healing and then the continual growth to reach that tender, yet treasured spot within.

As Yung Pueblo shares throughout his book How to Love Better, there is a growing consortium of people in our world, he calls them the healing generation, that is gradually becoming the cultural norm. That cultural norm is to be a generation (regardless of age) where we value being mentally healthy, thus choosing to heal ourselves so that we can be happy and fulfilled and ultimately able to connect lovingly with others. “Really, this is a massive movement toward greater self-awareness and building practices to help you shine brighter in life.” That brighter life is full of being courageous enough to be truly loving.

“Love is a tiny revolution that happens in the human heart, that ultimately produces large waves of change.”

The change begins with each of us individually, courageously being willing to heal ourselves. It’s worth it. And you are not alone in your journey.

SIMILAR POSTS/EPISODES YOU MIGHT ENJOY

episode #122: Why Not . . . Have Self-Compassion?

episode #392: 10 Ways to Build a Strong (and healthy) Social Network, as taught by David Robson

episode #327: How to Change Your Brain So Your Mind (and thus you!) Can Thrive

~Learn more about TSLL’s Contentment Masterclass here.

Petit Plaisir

~Death Valley, new series

~Explore all of the episodes of The Simple Sophisticate here.

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