“I love without desire and I am contented. Desire itself is just another word for unhappiness and I watch it come and go, without paying too much attention to it. I manage to find happiness, I conjure some up from whatever I have at hand: a rock; a passing wave or chattering people walking by; the smile of an old lady; the tiniest wren foraging under the pink flowers of the currant bush, where fat bees stop to sip; a fly sheltering from the rain under a leaf, or a book that makes me stop and think, then work to find my place again.” —Marc Hamer, author of Spring Rain: A Life Lived in Gardens

Late Sunday morning after making and enjoying my weekly ritual of fresh from the oven croissants paired with my regular eggs and steel oats, I plodded outside to weed the westside of my garden before the sun bore down and gave its full warmth. This part of the garden parallels the alley where myself and my neighbors enter our garages, so the pups remained in the yard with the dog door open to go inside the house and back and forth as they pleased rather than joining me outside. They could still see me; I was but an arm’s length away, just the fence separated us.

I find when I am gardening, little runs about through my mind. My attention settles wholly on the task in front of me, and so four hours whiled away yesterday before I had realized, but the task which to this extent, is only an annual one, had been completed. Whilst I weeded, neighbors drove by, some strolled with their pups, some waved, some didn’t see me, nor I them as again, focused as I mentioned.

The beautiful part of setting out to do something, not sure how long it will take, but letting ourselves become lost, fully in the state of flow, reveals a small but powerful secret of how to welcome more peace and tranquility into our lives.

While I needed for this part of the garden to be weeded, I knew in time, I would eventually complete it. If I completed it on my first go-round, energy and weather dependent, I would be tickled, but I didn’t hold fast to a timeline, rather letting go and followed where the task and my energy took me. As well, as my neighbors passed by, I noticed, engaged as invited, otherwise, to myself extended gratitude for the quiet, small neighborhood I feel fortunate to live. To notice, but not judge, and if we think to do so, extend gratitude for what we witness that we appreciate.

“Noticing without judging creates tranquility in the mind.” —Marc Hamer

I began reading British gardener Marc Hamer’s book, Spring Rain a couple of weeks ago, a compilation of short essays, the third and final book in his series “Gardener’s Chronicle trilogy”, that shares his life journey through memories recalled throughout his entire life. Through storytelling he shares the life events that brought him to realizing these two truths, of many, of living a contented life: (1) notice, but don’t judge for tranquility in the mind and (2) love without desire.

Each choice, should we choose to practice these two approaches, is an exercise in conscious living. After all, it is a survival default habit of the lizard mind to judge and to desire when we look at each through the lens of remaining ‘safe’ and procreating. But it is in our awareness of the unnecessary stress we bring into our lives when we unconsciously judge and unconsciously desire, that letting go of them both eases so much pressure, dare I say, in our lives.

Let’s look at each of the unconscious unhelpful habits more closely.

Love without Desire

Now first you may be saying, but if I let go of desire, how am I going to grow, evolve, improve, or change my situation in any way and live a more fulfilling and enriched life? As well as how to cultivate or find loving relationships?

A fair question and one I had as well when trying to understand this concept, as both Eckhart Tolle and Andy Puddicombe, along with many other teachers of mindfulness also teach of the necessity to let go of desire in order to be fully in the present moment and experience true peace.

To let go of desire is not a stagnation that keeps us where we are, rather, much like the example I began today’s post with, we set an intention – i.e. to weed the westside of my garden – but we don’t hold on rigidly to how and when it will be done. We give our attention and energy to this intention, but also engage with the present moment and what it presents to us. It turns out, I was able to finish weeding today, but in past years, that wasn’t the case; however, I eventually would complete the weeding – some year’s were better weeded than others.

So, when it comes, for example, to desiring to own your own home, or to travel to France, or to complete your doctorate, you set an intention that then guides you with each decision you make. We know we can only control our choices as well as our thoughts and our actions, but we also know (as has been explored in many posts and episodes here on TSLL) that the world will present all sorts of different ‘notes’ to dance with along the way that we have no control over. And so, based on how sincere our intention, how much energy we can give at any one time, we engage, and the journey toward the outcome we set our focus on begins. If our intention remains our intention until we reach an outcome we are content with, then we have grown, experienced, improved, evolved or changed, however or whatever was entailed with the intention set.

And how this relates to relationships is letting go of controlling the other person. Letting go of expectations of what the relationship will or must be, BUT engaging with our secure self, someone who sets boundaries that are loving to ourself so that we show up full as ourselves, but also being love in our actions without an assumption of what must be the loved one’s response. In other words, we hold to our responsibilities, things we have talked about in multiple posts and episodes here on the blog – and we let others tend to their responsibilities. The two prong approach: engage with loving-kindness and integrity is our guide. Never forgetting ourselves, but remembering that we are part of the sea of humanity.

Now let’s talk about noticing vs. judging.

Notice without Judging

The moment we judge, we limit possibility of everything. We limit what we will see, we limit what is revealed, we limit possibility, we limit the potential of seeing beyond, learning beyond what we know in that moment.

As humans we want to know. It is a natural desire (note that word choice) to know so that we can protect ourselves, so that we can survive, but that is the Lizard mind thinking. When we become aware of why we want to know, we can let go of this desire, and simply notice.

Yes, we can make decisions about how we want to engage or if we engage at all, but judgment need not be a part of it, and our opinion, should one arise in our mind, need not be shared. When we become better at simply noticing, we begin to realize how much more techno-color life becomes because our ability to notice transfers into all aspects of the life we live. As Hamer shares in the quote at the beginning of today’s post, we begin to see all of the details of life that we had missed before because perhaps we had been judging and zoned in on something unnecessarily, bringing our ignorance or fear with us, that everything else around or shared was missed.

We expend valuable energy when we judge, and not only that, whether we express our judgment or simply note it in our mind, we feed ourselves and others with an unhelpful energy.

So the next time you find yourself defaulting to judging what you see – a decision by someone else, a person’s outfit, etc. – catch yourself, and just notice. And not only notice the single entity that prompted you to want to judge, but now broaden your gaze and perspective. What else do you see? This practice of seeing all that is, the full context, all the details – directly and indirectly related – is part of critical thinking, something I will teach in a detailed mini lesson in TSLL’s premiere online video Contentment Masterclass, and it is a skill that when utilized, improves the quality of multiple arenas of our life on a regular basis.

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Now take a deep breath.

You have two fewer responsibilities you perhaps thought were yours to carry every single day, but no longer. No more ever do you need to judge or desire. And as you begin to become conscious when these unhelpful habits arise and want you to engage with them, dismissing taking part, eventually, it will become a new habit to no longer judge and no longer desire.

Instead, you will set intentions and engage fully with what the moment presents as you focus on where you wish to go and/or what you wish to do. You will also observe the world and the people and situations around you seeing so much more than you had seen before which, should you consciously choose to do so, prompt you to deepen your gratitude practice.

Gradually, and in fact, quite swiftly, you will begin to experience less stress, your energy will increase and your days will become all the more enjoyable simply because you let go of these two unnecessary default habits.

Wishing you a wonderful start to the week and thank you for stopping by. Bonne journée.

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