“Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate.” —Albert Schweitzer, German and French theologian and humanitarian

Kindness demands courage.

Kindness requires vulnerablity.

Kindness reveals a person of great strength.

Contrary to what sometimes can be modeled when we see strength appearing as an exhibition of violence and invoking of fear in others in order to obtain power, “True power is the ability to help others rather than the ability to hurt or exact revenge on people” (Psychology Today).

One of the core skills to living a life of contentment is to engage each day with loving-kindness and integrity, something taught in detail in TSLL’s Contentment Masterclass. And while on the surface this may seem a simple act to follow, it actually requires full consciousness and great strength and courage. Why?

Well first of all, yes, it is easy to be kind and loving toward our fellow humans, animals and Mother Nature when our life is going along swimmingly and all feels ‘right with the world’. When we feel as though we are getting the outcomes we seek, people are helpful and amiable toward us, yep, that makes it far easier to be kind. But that all changes when things do not go as we would like, and instead life becomes challenging, unwanted events occur, and we become the recipient of hurtful actions taken by others for any number of motivations. However, it is imperative that we still engage with loving-kindness and integrity. And that is not easy or even possible for the unconscious mind who is not yet skilled or practiced is knowing what being loving and kind in difficult situations looks like.

Over the past month, kindness has appeared in my life in a myriad of ways from known and unknown people that have been, what a wonderful dilemma 😌, too numerous to list for today’s post, but suffice to say, in all shapes and ways and actions and words, kindness has been felt. So too have a few unkind actions, but rest assured, it is precisely because kindness is known that I am mindful when something is unkind AND am able to not be reactive, but rather respond in a healthy and loving manner as needed (if at all). Which is to say, acknowledge it, but not be pulled in to partaking in the same behavior; however, still maintain my integrity and set my boundary firmly in order to not be hurt again.

When we witness others being unkind, as is similar with other undesirable behaviors, what we are witnessing is a reflection of the actor, not the recipient of the act. As I have grown in awareness through regular mindfulness practice, I am quicker to recognize someone’s unkind act, no matter how subtle, but also am now strong enough in my trust in myself to honor the knowledge I have received and not dismiss it while also not being reactive (this muscle is not perfect, but it is far stronger than it was in the past). In other words, I stop putting myself in that person’s orbit because their behavior reflects one if not more of the following that they have yet choose to heal:

Someone who commits unkindnesses reflects one, some or all of the following:

• insecurity within themselves
• a history of trauma or anger that has not healed or been resolved in their life
• lack of empathy toward others
• lack of awareness due to any number of reasons – ignorance of the skill of kindness, a preoccupied mind due to other life events or busy schedule and demands, etc.
• has never been taught or seen modeled how to be kind
• doesn’t value kindness, but rather sees it as a reflection of weakness
• a closed mind to others and their experience of the world and how it may be different than their own

Examples of unkind acts but not limited to:

• Dismissing others feelings when they have been expressed clearly or are observable without doubt by a cognizant human being
• Rude comments – direct or indirect, shaming, guilting, teasing at the recipient’s expense, anything that causes pain or attempts to make someone else feel they are less than or not worthy
• Selfish actions that only benefit themselves, especially at the expense of others
• Hurtful actions – lying, gaslighting, inability to admit they made a mistake or were wrong, ghosting – anything that causes the recipient hurt based on their actions and not their expectation of what the recipient ‘should’ do.
• Excessive generosity to either manipulate the recipient into doing something they want or to make up for something they cannot acknowledge
• Inability to be positive about their life, or life in general. Negativity is their modus operandi because they aren’t strong enough to let themselves be vulnerable and share what is going well, what they like, etc.
• Apologies are not forthcoming when they are warranted. This may be because they are ignorant that their actions caused hurt, or that they know they did what they did, but don’t want to ‘lower’ themselves to apologize as they believe it is a sign of weakness (the ego has them firmly in their hold and unhealthily so)
• Whatever happens, they are “always right”. Acknowledging they don’t know something or incorrectly did something (unintentionally or otherwise), anything that begs the obvious response of ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I was incorrect’ or ‘I made a mistake’, etc., but they cannot or won’t utter it, reveals the ego yet again has full control, and honesty is not their modus operandi nor is their desire to create open and trustworthy communication.

At the core of understanding what is and is not kindness is the willingness to understand how to be loving. And in order to be truly loving, we have to brave, vulnerable and release expectations. In other words, real love isn’t about receiving or wanting, as the second quote below explains, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be unloving to ourselves. One of the primary reasons we can be loving is because we know how to be love, and that begins by being loving toward ourselves. As Brené Brown’s quote below explains, being compassionate isn’t exclusive to those outside of us, but also includes us.

It has been my experience as of late as I grow in my own awareness that those who are not able to be kind, thus not fully or truly loving, don’t know how to be loving to themselves. Nor do they truly accept or believe that they are worthy of deep love that is void of them having to do or be anything other than themselves. And because they don’t know or believe they are deserving or are fearful they will lose something by being vulnerable, they don’t know how to be truly loving toward others.

“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.” —Brené Brown

“In true love you want your partner to be happy. In false love you want your partner.” —Paulo Coelho

Now that we understand what unkindness is and how it presents itself, let’s take a look at what Kindness is and how to welcome more kindness into our lives by modeling it in how we live every single day. After all, if we don’t see nor believe that it is safe to be kind, it is all the more difficult to become kinder if we have been apprehensive to do so.

Someone who is kind reflects a person who is:

• secure within themselves
• accepting of others just as they are
• mindful of how what they say and/or may affect those in the room and who doesn’t want to cause harm or hurt
• generous, due to being knowledge of themselves and knowing what they need to be content as well as putting into place clear boundaries to honor their needs for nourishment, they give in a myriad of ways (examples shared below in the next list)
• aware of others and that another’s life journey likely is different from their own
• emotionally intelligent to at least some degree and consequently, their EQ grows due to their awareness of their emotions.
• understands the difference between ‘nice’ and ‘kind’
  • knows that being kind may sometimes involve sharing hard truths with loved ones and/or those they respect
    • ‘nice’ on the other hand will never say anything that will ‘upset the momentum of the room’ or cause there to be pause to consider a new idea/direction/etc.
    • kind and nice can sometimes be the same thing, but are not synonymous in every instance. The key is that kindness is loving at all times no matter its appearance.
• understands that kindness isn’t about whether they speak in a friendly tone, smile, laugh or can tell a joke to lighten the mood.
• attentive to the needs and gives as they are able, lovingly, yet with strength and clarity saying what they can do and what their limit is so that there is no confusion, nor resentment later.
• curious, which enables them to understand the people around them so they can engage with kindness. This appears through the action of asking questions, listening and responding based on what they hear.
• thoughtful and can discern the difference in those they care about regarding what they need even if that person they know and love doesn’t know how to ask for it.
• brave.
  • yes, brave because we, by being kind, make ourselves vulnerable to whomever is the recipient and what their response might be. But because we give without expectation, the response isn’t our goal, but rather to give love. However we can be loving is a kind act. Whatever will be felt as loving, is an act of kindness especially when we receive nothing in return because that is never the objective.

Examples of kind acts but not limited to:

• extending gratitude, sincerely, randomly or not, but without expectation of anything in return, saying thank you and being as specific as possible express awareness of the giver’s thoughtfulness.
• being thoughtful, after observing what someone may benefit from, even if simply a genuine smile and/or nod of the head to acknowledge we see them, to be thoughtful is an act of awareness and mindfulness of the other’s presence and humanity.
• celebrating something that is important to someone, acknowledging progress, an accomplishment, a birthday, a special day on the calendar that is treasured and important. By paying attention and not ignoring what means something to someone else, we show awareness and build trust that we care about their journey as well as our own.
• helping out, as we are able so that it helps someone else’s day run more smoothly, we lend a hand, we drive our neighbor’s child to school when they have woken up to a dead battery, something that steps in to assist in their life to reduce stress, pain or hardship.
• being respectful, whether or not we live by the same values, whether or not we understand or know a person at all, we see others’ humanity, and rise above even the ‘treat others as you would want to be treated’, but actually assume nothing, and ask before taking action or abstain from taking an action due to recognizing that it will affect someone else.
• listening and truly hearing what the other person or people are saying, how we respond after listening reflects what we have learned, not what we are comfortable with. In other words, we are being vulnerable by acknowledging the needs in the room even if it prevents us from doing or behaving in a way we might have if we were on our own.
• being generous, in a variety of ways that would be appreciated by the recipient – gifts, time, space, understanding, attention, etc.
• acknowledging a mistake, an error, a wrongdoing (likely done unintentionally), once we realize we misspoke, over-promised, misunderstood, anything in which we now know we were incorrect, by acknowledging it directly, we build trust with the other person as they realize we will not lie to “save-face”, but are secure enough in ourselves to admit we are human.
• telling the truth even if it isn’t what the other person wants to hear, if we have been invited by a friend to go do something or come over, but we don’t want to, we politely decline and don’t make false excuses. We don’t want them to have false-hope, we don’t want them to believe something else (we are sick, a loved one died, we [enter any of the numerous falsehoods people can come up with to get out of something]). And if we do choose to tell the direct reason – I am just really tired, or I don’t like that place or that’s just not something I am interested in – we are getting to know each other and building trust regardless of how the relationship will move forward.
• being present, turning off or silencing or putting away our phone during any rendezvous, gathering, or interaction with other people, similar to one item already mentioned above – listening fully and giving your full attention.

At first, if we haven’t been in the habit of being kind and loving in our words and actions for any number of reasons (it wasn’t modeled, we don’t feel safe doing so, we will be laughed at, etc.), start by being kind in your words and actions to yourself when nobody is around. It really can become a constructive default that once we rewire our mind to utter kind words, engage in loving actions, we then feel more comfortable doing so when we are with others regardless of how they might respond.

One of the ways I first began being consciously kind in an effort to make kindness a habit was to outwardly be loving to my dogs in public with the endearing nicknames I would say aloud, oodles of snuggles and loves and praises. I really just leaned into this at home when nobody was watching so that it became second-nature, and felt comfortable not only doing so toward them in public and around people, but also in how I engaged in conversation with people – feeling comfortable giving a compliment, feeling comfortable pointing out what was going well, what I liked, why I liked it, etc. I share this because until it becomes a habit that we feel safe doing, we have to consciously work up that muscle of being kind and simultaneously pay no mind or let how others will respond effect our choice to be kind.

What I also have observed in the world is that people share negative or shocking information because it is safer to point out what they don’t like, what went wrong, what doesn’t make them happy. We aren’t vulnerable if we don’t expose our heart, our passions, what makes us smile. And until we are able to be vulnerable, thus truly be ourselves, we also aren’t fully living or able to deeply and lovingly connect with others.

“When words are both true and kind they can change the world.” —Buddha

Be brave. Be kind. Go change the world for the better.

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” —Dalai Lama

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~top photo taken by Gabi Kos of Noru Photography