“As you start to walk on the way, the way appears.” —Rumi, 13th century Persian poet

Planting bulbs in the garden or in pots in autumn that will, we hope, emerge and bloom six months later in spring.

Enrolling in classes to learn a skill that is necessary for any chance of welcome into a particular field or culture.

Spending hours of training in a sport before ever stepping foot on the competitive stage with the opposition.

In each of these instances, we must begin without certainty that the hoped for outcome will occur. However, if we never begin, any chance will be dashed completely with certainty. And even if the desired outcome doesn’t materialize as we had imagined or at all after choosing to begin, we still discover two helpful things: (1) how sincerely our pursuit is and where that sincerity came from, and (2) what worked and what did not so we can tweak and try again should we choose to.

Case in point in my own life. I mention the example of planting spring bulbs at the beginning of today’s post because back in the fall of 2020 I planted up two large pots full of tulip bulbs. Spring 2021 rolled around and the bulbs had rotted. Nothing had bloomed. Undeterred, I gave it another shot in autumn 2022; this time, storing them in a different spot, but yet again, once spring arrived, nothing. I chose not to dwell on the money I had spent and chalked it up to experience gained, but I did take a year off. However, still, I hoped that one day I would have in the spring on my porch, in pots, tulips. Oodles of tulips overflowing and announcing the spring season had arrived. So I tiptoed back into planting tulips, but this time, didn’t put them in pots, as I was still a bit intimidated, and the good news arrived when this go-round (albeit sans pots) they sprouted and bloomed in spring 2024 – oodles of tulips all around the garden. This told me a few things – it was where I placed them as well as the soil I placed them in (ability to drain well, but also get cold) was crucial. So, I dared. I dared to buy oodles of tulip bulbs last year, and I changed the soil composition in the pots to ensure more drainage, and I placed them outside, but under cover so they would get cold but not be drowning in moisture from all of the snow in Bend.

To my delight and, I must admit significant surprise, tulips have begun to shoot up from the pots in both that I planted. To say I am overjoyed is an understatement, but what it also gave me was trust in myself that subtle changes to my approach simply needed to be tended to so long as I paid attention to what was working and what wasn’t, applied my knowledge and looked to the experts who had been having success for far longer than I have been a gardener. It also revealed how genuinely I wanted to be able to grow tulips in pots. It came from within me – not to impress anyone, not to prove anything to anyone else. In fact, there wasn’t really a gain as for three years money had been spent without the desired reward, but what I had invested in was far more than I realized. I had purchased knowledge. That knowledge eventually did pay off, and, for me, the gardening season of flowers around the home has expanded as spring is quite tame until about May here in Bend.

Now, whether you are a gardener, or a tinkerer, or a traveler, or a tailor, or a conductor, the rule of taking action without promises remains the same. And it is primarily because of this seemingly ‘backward’ order of the equation that gives us the potential for magnificent rewards. Quiet confidence resides in the calm, groundedness of knowing without having to know for sure.

Now that may sound contradictory and thus impossible, but in fact, when we possess confidence (not to be confused with arrogance or hubris), we are wise enough to know from past oopses and hiccups that likely the road will indeed be sprinkled with unexpected events and moments that we will have to navigate around and through, but we also know ourselves – what we are capable of paired with what we still need to learn or strengthen. And it is with this knowing ourselves that we steadily move forward. This may appear to others to be brave or courageous to take the step forward in whatever we are choosing, and in many ways it is, but to the one making the journey (us), we are doing so because it comes from an urging to do so from our true self. To not continue to try, to learn, to explore, reflects a lack of trust in ourselves. And as gradually we gain more confidence, the choosing to learn, to explore, to grow becomes easier to begin even when we never know how it will all turn out.

The ‘quiet’ part of this confidence is exemplified in reaching out to those wiser than we are in various skill sets that we need to improve in order to navigate forward well. Because if we are choosing to grow, to learn, to follow our curiosity, we will not know everything we need to be successful. We will run into roadblocks, but these are only temporary if we are able to reach out and ask to learn more. Humility is put into immediate practice, so our ego must be kept in check and from time to time entirely set aside as we will feel lost, confused and doubtful, but only temporarily if we understand that this is part of the learning process. And it is.

This brings me to 10 life experiences that, should we engage with humility and curiosity, we will strengthen our confidence, and upon experiencing them, establish a quiet confidence in how we move through our days and our life journey. A mode of traveling that fosters peace within us, thus leading us to realize we are living a life of true contentment.

1.Taking a class in which you knew very little (or anything) of the skill you wished to learn . . . and eventually learning it

In any instance along the journey to learning something you wanted to learn, if along the way there was a particular moment, perhaps many moments, when you felt you absolutely would never be able to learn the new skill you so wanted to learn, but you stuck to it and continued until you acquired the knowledge, confidence was gained. When you refused to stop trying. When you kept showing up to class, kept asking questions until you understood, kept doing the homework, kept showing your work and trying even if your attempts hurt the ears. Anytime you have persevered until you finally did learn it, your confidence receives a bolt of strength that can never be taken away. Why? Because no one can take away what you have learned, and you will always have the memory of what it took to eventually acquire that skill. It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was exhaustingly difficult, but your sticking with it will forever serve to remind you that such a feeling of doubt is only temporary to the person who is determined to stick to it.

2. Being non-reactive in a situation that your old self would have exploded emotionally or verbally, and felt the peace gained by not engaging unhelpfully

Again and again (thank you for your patience in putting up with these reminders) we talk here on TSLL about knowing the difference between reacting and responding, and why the latter is the choice to make along the road to living a life of contentment. As we live in awareness, we become keen to acknowledge times in our past that we reacted to situations and our reacting wasn’t the best approach. Whether in a conversation, an unwanted situation, when we react, we give away the control we have at the moment even when it may appear we have very little.

Once we acknowledge and can recall what those reactive examples were, when presented with new situations that our old self would have reacted to, but instead now we take a step back and decide how to best respond or whether to respond at all, those moments nourish our confidence that we can handle well any situation no matter how tense or stressful it may be. It reveals to us that even when things are out of our control, what we do have control over, ourselves – actions, thoughts and words – is under a wise and calm captain (us). We now know we can trust ourselves and care for ourselves well.

3. Travel that placed you in a new culture and you danced with it well

I am always reminded of this awesome gift that travel gives us – a boost of confidence that we can do that thing that we may have doubted we could. My travels to France and Britain repeatedly, following each trip, and moreso with each subsequent trip, fuel a confidence that the unknown at this moment, as regards to my intentions, is worth exploring and giving a try.

In many ways, when I return home from, for example, having been in France, having spoken the language somewhat successfully and enjoyed to the full all that was available, a runner’s high is experienced. I share this because as someone who has completed two marathons (trained to walk them, and primarily did just that), the high is real and absolutely amazing. A similar high of “I can do anything!” streams through your veins and being after a wonderful travel experience, and in that moment for a handful of days you really do feel as though can do anything you set your mind to. And in truth, you can. If you dream it and cannot stop daydreaming about it, then you can conceive it into being. The shape or outcome may not be exactly as you imagined, but in fact, in my experience, the reality that eventually transpires is better and more in alignment to enrich our true self.

After those handful of days of the natural high, so long as we live in awareness and were mindful of that boost, we will never lose its true message. We really did take that trip or cross that finish line, and even though we may step back into our everyday life, no longer wandering about a foreign city or village or running/walking along the 26.2 mile route with sweat streaming down our face and body, we hold the awareness of what we are capable of when we choose to do so.

4. Appreciating your own company and knowing the value of choosing to spend time with yourself regularly

I heard it said recently that living alone is a master class in emotional intelligence. And as someone who has lived on their own my entire adult life beginning when I started graduate school at the age of 21, I can reflect back on my younger self and concur. We must choose to understand our emotions and what a healthy wellbeing is because we are face-to-face with ourselves far more intimately when we aren’t distracted by a partner or a roommate or children. And when we enjoy our own company and appreciate the value in being our best friend, the time we do choose to spend with ourselves even if we do live with others, we grow in our confidence. Why?

If we are brave enough to see the gift of time alone, we reach the other side of seeing how fear can arise that is unwarranted and thus be able to dismiss it with ease. However, if we let that fear of being alone, of having to first feel what we feel and refusing to get to know why our mind does what it does, we will never be able to step over to the side of gained wisdom. That wisdom, once we reach the other side having gained the knowledge of our emotions and our mind and how they both work (something we explore in-depth in TSLL’s Contentment Masterclass) is when and where our confidence is boosted. Yet another instance of growth that can not be taken away from us – knowledge learned and now forever a part of our life journey forward.

5. Making a scary decision and arriving on the other side with a happy and grateful sigh and smile that you had the courage to do it

Turning in the resignation letter. Having the difficult conversation with a soon-to-be ex-partner/spouse. Selling your home to relocate. Speaking up at a meeting to express your concern when it feels as though no one else is experiencing the same thing. Showing your enthusiasm for something when everyone else is resigned to be cynical. However small or large the decision may appear to onlookers, if it the decision to do so causes fear to swell up within you, it’s a scary decision. And if, after much consideration of where the need to make the decision came from is true to your life journey and holds you in integrity with yourself in making it, when you take action and continue forward until you make it to the other side and are at peace and likely quite overjoyed you were brave enough, your confidence is forever boosted.

First of all, such an action and outcome provides irrefutable proof that your inner compass can be trusted. That you know yourself quite well, and now, consciously so. When we trust ourselves, life decisions and living day-to-day becomes not only easier, but far more enjoyable. And the second reason this decision gives our confidence a boost is that you now know that even if life becomes uncomfortable, you will be capable of enduring the discomfort until you reach the other side, and do so with loving-kindness (to yourself and others) as well as with integrity.

6. Consistently sticking to something that was constructive, but not always easy

Speaking of endurance. When we consistently stick to a fitness routine, a degree program, an arduous project schedule, and do so until we reach the end point that we intended – whether the project is finished or we receive the degree or have put into place the physical capability to keep up the new fitness routine, similar to #1 shared above, we prove to ourselves that we can endure temporarily uncomfortable, doubtful and exhausting periods. And most importantly, we know such periods are, yep, temporary.

Because we have reached the other side of our efforts, we are now able to enjoy and appreciate the fruits of our energy expenditures, and that makes it all the more rewarding reminding us that just because we would like something doesn’t mean it will be easy to attain. But it also doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to attain it.

7. Having experienced an unwanted anything that was emotionally wrenching and navigating it well

From the loss of a dear loved one to an unwanted outcome in a life-affecting event, if we are fortunate to live long enough, we will experience both of these and likely more often than a few times. However, it isn’t a guarantee that we will gain a confidence boost simply because time has passed. It again is with our awareness, emotional intelligence and willingness to think critically that we can learn how to navigate in a healthy way through and with such unwanted and painful events.

Living in denial is not a solution for building confidence, so we must engage, we must feel fully, what is presenting itself to be recognized. We also must not dwell or linger longer than helpful. Again, we must not react, but rather respond. And if we don’t know how to emotionally navigate through, we must seek out someone who is an expert in doing so.

Once we do this – navigate in such a way that honors and acknowledges the loss or pain fully and in a healthy way, we can trust ourselves to be able to do so in the future because again we have the knowledge through our first-hand experience. The unknown, the painful moments that will come along, we are no longer scared of them, and in fact, are taught ever more how important it is to appreciate, savor and make decisions with clarity from a calm, well-informed mind.

8. Creatively sharing sincerely with the world without expectations of the response from the world

When I first began giving speeches as a teenager, I wasn’t so much terrified, because I would step up on the stage, but I was nervous and my red cheeks would give away my trepidation the moment I stepped on stage and began to talk. I would still keep talking and deliver what I had prepared, but the nerves were also on full display.

However, in time, and recognizing which preparatory steps helped me to speak with confidence and feel content with what I shared, the red cheeks gradually appeared less and less.

Whether it is speaking in public sharing a piece of your heart or ideas, or writing a book, or sharing a song you have written, or displaying your painting in your first exhibit, when it comes from a sincere place within you, a place of daring to be vulnerable because you need to both express it for yourself, but more often offer help to others along their own journey – whether directly with advice or teaching a lesson or indirectly by inspiring them – each time you give, you gain confidence.

Because you are not seeking any response from the world, but rather giving because to not give, to not share would create tension as you would be holding the ideas, the beauty, the words, the music, inside. When you choose to finally share, sharing feels like a deep sigh of relief. And we can only know that relief if we share beyond ourselves. When we experience that relief, we know to trust ourselves, and that is what boosts our confidence. A piece of our confidence that cannot be taken away because nobody gave it to us. We gave it to ourselves.

9. Saying ‘no’ in any situation where the pressure to say ‘yes’ felt like an avalanche (real or perceived – in other words, it went against your old nature to respect your needs when others wanted something else from you)

From significant life decisions to small everyday scheduling choices, when we know ourselves and then have the courage to say no to something we have likely said yes to repeatedly over the years, it will be extremely difficult. Whether or not we receive pushback when we utter the word ‘no’ is not where the difficulty begins. The difficulty begins in our minds because we are doing something we’ve never done before.

When we do something new, something that likely isn’t what others want to hear, we open ourselves up to the opportunity to strengthen our confidence. The first time we say ‘no’ is the most difficult. Then it becomes easier. And so long as you are saying no because you gain something that is nourishing, then you will be at peace saying no, even to those people you love dearly.

10. Consciously and with intention nurtured a social community that is healthy

Partially because it takes time to build our social community – the components of which will be unique to each of us as we get to know ourselves and our needs as well as what energizes us and conversely what drains us, but also because it requires courage to both choose to engage honestly, but sincerely, or step back and not choose to continue to nourish certain relationships as they no longer (or never did) elevate our daily life, once we experience the increased quality of peace of mind and lack of unnecessary drama, yet love and support, our confidence is infused a bit more with strength. This strength of confidence is humbling because no doubt we have been hurt along the way. We may have even unintentionally, yet out of ignorance or unhealed trauma, caused pain, and so we know that the connections we have now are not to be taken for granted, but rather maintained with thoughtfulness and consideration of the other but also of ourselves.

Over the past few years, I have shared the two podcast episodes that explore how to build and nourish with intention our social community if you would like to explore this topic further.

episode #392: 10 Ways to Build a Strong (and healthy) Social Network, as taught by David Robson

episode #274: Quality Friendships = A Quality Life: 10 Benefits of Cultivating Healthy Bonds

Life is continuously offerings us opportunities to strengthen our confidence, and as you may have noticed, many of the experiences shared above require that our humility muscle be exercised as well. It is the training of that muscle of humility that transforms our confidence into a quiet confidence.

Quiet confidence will never be boastful nor arrogant because we know first of all, how much effort, time and consciousness brought the experiences that gifted us with confidence, and we also know nothing is permanent. So instead we savor and express gratitude for the peace we have found because it was found and now is embodied in how we live our days. That knowledge cannot be taken away because it resides within each of us should we be brave enough to stretch and grow and experience our life fully.

What I have found to be helpful in grounding myself in quiet confidence is to reflect. Reflection upon four years ago when I couldn’t grow tulips in pots, reflection upon my life before I moved to Bend, or even upon when I was still teaching while also blogging and my struggles to find the peace and contentment I had at that time experienced only momentarily but they kept nudging me forward to learn even more about how it was possible. Each of these and others, when I reflect upon them, I am reminded of the confidence that I have built while equally being deeply appreciative for the growth opportunities as they didn’t come without frustration, fear and confusion, although I know now, all were temporary.

When we reflect, we are reminded of how much we have grown if we consciously chose to do so, and often we realize how much confidence we actually have and may have forgotten. That too is humbling because it can be so easily forgotten during difficult or stressful times, but also during times of hope, times when we are wishing for something and wondering if it will ever materialize. In such moments, it may seem as though it is doubt that is seeping in, but actually it is fear because you have never done what you are now wishing you could do. That fear is merely asking you to remind yourself (using the tool of reflection) of how capable you are.

May the new week that is just beginning continue to build your quiet confidence with each step of trust you take in yourself.

Bonne journée.

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