How do you feel when you hear someone thank you for a small gesture, seemingly minuscule and so habitual that you may not even realize you do it, but something that makes where you work or live or call home a little bit nicer and more enjoyable? Maybe it’s putting your dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink so your partner doesn’t have to do so later in the day, or knocking before you enter your colleague’s office or work space, or texting to see if someone is available to talk before ringing their phone for a chat. Really, it could be anything that shows consideration of others.

Here’s an example from my own life: As a dog owner here in Bend, many parents when their child shows an interest in wanting to pet Norman or Nelle, they will prompt their children to ask to pet before they reach out to the pups. And while for many reasons, this is a helpful approach – safety, respect, thoughtfulness, – I try to remember to always thank the parent and then the children for their consideration. A seemingly small exchange, but it means so much that others considered the space of the dogs, as well as not assuming all dogs want to be pet.

Immediately in that moment, a kindness, a genuine exchange has occurred, and whether we ever see each other again or not, we did see each other in that moment. Saw and acknowledged what meant a lot both through saying thank you but also by asking to pet the pups, and I feel a positive boost once we continue on our way, and I hope I shared positive energy with them as well by taking the time to say thank you.

I share this ordinary moment with you because it is a regular occurrence in my day and I no longer take for granted that such an interaction will happen, but you know what? More often than not, this type of interaction happens multiple times throughout my week and the joy it brings into my day to see children and adults too enjoying the pups is a delightful energy boost.

When we see and acknowledge what is going well, we begin to permanently change what our mind not only looks for but believes is possible. And when we change our mindset, we change the potential of possibilities that cross our path.

Which leads me to celebrating.

Perhaps hearing that celebrating is a necessary part of the journey of success may come across as frivolous or unnecessary. Or perhaps when you envision celebrating, the thought of a large party of people and dancing and drinking just does not appeal to you, so you aren’t someone who thinks celebrating is necessary (first off all, I am with you on that last one – I don’t need a big shindig either), but celebrating can appear in many different forms. So long as it is a form that allows you to decompress, rest, and rejuvenate as well as extend gratitude to those who helped you arrive where you are, that is what celebrating is, and today, I would like to share with you how celebrating after each victory, no matter how small or big, is vital to future successes.

Let’s take a look at the importance of gratitude and celebration in our everyday lives.

Gratitude

“Gratitude is not about what you have; it’s about valuing what you have.” —Dr. Mary E. Anderson

Without an awareness of all that is going well, what the depth of the world around you is providing for your life, then we still technically are either living ignorantly or taking the life, no matter how much we love what or where we currently are or not, for gratitude. We fall into the bad habit of assuming that all that is occurring at this moment is what it is and are not appreciating the value of how it came to be and what it takes to maintain it. However, when we consciously begin to pay attention and become aware of the clean air we are breathing, the calm and quiet at night so that we are able to fall asleep at ease, clean and running water to take our shower in the morning, we stop taking for granted these fundamentals.Even when all is not as we might hope, we don’t get tangled up in asking for more, but instead appreciate what is and stay on the path we have set our intention.

What it looks like in our daily life:

1. A shift in our gaze as we look at our day

When we begin to live in our days, really hold ourselves in the present moment instead of wanting what isn’t part of our day – whatever that might be – a green light, more money in the retirement fund, better weather, nicer clothes, etc., etc. – we shift what we see. And when we shift what we see, we begin to realize how much is going quite well.

2. Seeing opportunity and assistance toward the life we dream about or maintaining the life we love

“Finding the possibility within the challenge.” —Dr. Mary E. Anderson

A life truth that is talked and taught often here on TSLL is that every unwanted moment is helping us get to where we want to go. Our job is to trust that this is true and look for the gem hidden in the headache. Or as Albert Einstein put it, “In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”

3. An elevation of self-talk

Letting go of “should”. Letting go of imagining worst case scenarios. Letting go of anything unconstructive in our mental talk to ourselves. No, I don’t mean we have to ignore the pain or dismiss undesirable feelings, but embrace saying, “Yep, I did that!” “Whoop! Whoop! Happy dance time – I got a raise!”. Let yourself talk to yourself like you would a beloved friend who just received good news.

Often people do not say such positive things outloud because there is vulnerability in being happy about our successes. We don’t want to seem arrogant or appear to be bragging. And of course, if we are celebrating around other people, we need to be conscious of our audience and include gratitude to those who were part of our success, but we’re just talking self-talk. If we don’t elevate our self-talk, even our individual self won’t believe it when good things happen but rather continue to look to self-protect which has a shrinking effect on our life.

4. An awareness that life is not black and white, but rather all sorts of shades of gray

When unwanted moments during our day occur, or we are forced to confront an unwanted situation that will take time, energy and resources, we may feel as though there is nothing to be grateful for. However with awareness as part of our toolkit, we no longer let ourselves jump to absolute trains of thoughts – “This is the worst thing that could happen to me.” “I always stumble when I take a chance.” “Nothing is ever easy for me.” Instead, when we practice gratitude, not only are we able to look for the opportunity in the turmoil, but we also know such statements are flatly incorrect, and to make them only hinders our progress forward through the unwanted moment. This is where the ‘greys’ come into play.

Gratitude gives us perspective, Dr. Anderson reminds. Why? Because we know there are actually things going well around us and we know things have worked out in small or large ways (even if we took them for granted at the time) in the past. We put our critical thinking cap on and we know that “all or nothing”/absolutist thinking is faulty at its foundation. So we no longer go there, and instead, with our open-mind and dealing with what is rather than making it larger and more seemingly impossible which helps us not at all, we accept that there are all sorts of ‘grey’ areas in life.

5. Noting moments or reasons or events or actions to be grateful for

Whether you say it outloud to the person as their action or behavior was appreciated, or you hold yourself fully in the moment to take in the beauty of a natural setting, or you write it down in your journal, take the time to make a note of what it is you appreciate.

Benefits of a Gratitude Practice:

1. Gives you energy

With energy, we can take action, and because of the perspective gratitude has given us, we begin to take constructive action based on choices that will enhance our life rather than keep us stagnant and cemented in fear or worry. This gained energy is what propels us forward to success.

2. Clarity of thought

“If you strategically focus your thoughts on appreciating meaningful or positive aspects of your present moment, instead of wasting your energy erroneously making assumptions about the unknown, you will have a powerful advantage. Your thinking will be more balanced, which will help you feel more stable, confident, and invigorated—so you’ll navigate uncertainty and ambiguity more successfully.” Dr. Mary E. Anderson

Reality vs. fiction. Ultimately, a life that exercises gratitude instead of stewing in worry holds us in the present and allows us to see what actually is as opposed to imagining the worst case scenario or assuming unwanted intentions or motives behind others actions, etc. “Gratitude encourages you to appreciate how you, others, and situations actually are rather than needlessly inciting anxiety and distress by focusing on how you think reality should be different.”

3. Establishes and Strengthens a Life of Contentment which leads to the Success You Seek

Our thoughts impact your feelings and your feelings influence our decisions and our actions. Dr. Anderson goes on to remind that the order of how success arrives in our life is often misunderstood and approached backwards. Instead of being grateful when we reach success, she teaches that it is by being grateful that we reach success.

As is taught in TSLL’s Contentment Masterclass, a fundamental skill in building a life of Contentment is gratitude – both knowing what that consists of and putting it into practice every single day. “Thankfulness keeps our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors on a more positive, productive tract, which makes us feel good about ourselves and the world.”

Feelings will always be a part of our daily life, wanted, unwanted and benign, so when we regularly practice gratitude paired with meditation as part of a mindfulness practice, we begin to recognize how we feel in different situations. This prompts us to cultivate a life in which there is even more to be grateful for, understanding that not all feelings will be desirable. But because we can see the opportunity in the unwanted, we choose constructively how to navigate and take action (if necessary) so that we don’t unnecessarily prolong the unwanted feeling.

4. Lower stress levels

5. Improved Sleep

6. Improved social relationships

7. Improved self-confidence and self-worth

8. Inner strength and courage, thus resilience is gained

“Courage is earned in the swamp . . . There’s a fascinating reality that we can achieve more success after having been through the swamp than we would have if we hadn’t struggled at all.”

The swamps will be unwanted slogs, but we will only remain stuck in them if we refuse to dig deep and learn whatever we need to to navigate out of them to the other side. Once we do this, we teach ourselves that we are capable of far more than we might have imagined. And that is when we realize we did gain something from the unwanted. But it took courage to keep stepping forward.

Let’s be real, the swamp will likely not prompt a smile or be enjoyable, but we gain nothing by seeing it as a setback. Instead, as Dr. Anderson reminds, see it as a setup for something more. Something we gain by choosing to figure out the puzzle and reach the other side. As a result, our anxiety will reduce whenever an unwanted moment arises because we know we can handle it well. Thus, our courage is strengthened as well as the trust we have in ourselves.

We often hear about PTSD, but have you ever heard of PTG? Described by cognitive scientist Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman, PTG stands for Post-Traumatic Growth. PTG is the “positive psychological change experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances.” More succinctly, PTG is to “turn adversity into advantage”. In other words, see each momentary challenge or detour or obstacle as a chance to gain what you need to reach and become the person you want to be and live the life you are capable of living.

Celebration

At its core, celebrating is an act of practicing gratitude which is why I wanted to share both of these skills and habits in the same episode. By celebrating, we are noting that something went well. Something worked out and we are not overlooking it or taking it for granted.

Successes, no matter how big or small, known to the broader world or only known to us, deserve to be celebrated because our mind needs to remember that we have succeeded at something we put it to task to do. Yep, aside from resting our being and taking a breath, cognitively, we must signal to our mind that we did what we had worked so hard to do. This releases all of the positive natural highs that begin to teach the brain that we are capable of achieving difficult tasks, persevering, being patient, and all of those other necessary characteristics so that when the next goal is set, we will know (and thus our mind will trust) that we are capable of achieving it.

Psychologist and researcher of neuroplasty as well as author Dr. Rick Hanson (if you haven’t read Buddha’s Brain, I highly recommend it – or listen to episode #327)) warns that “In most cases, we don’t consistently and systematically take the extra seconds to install these experiences [of reaching success] in the brain.” So it is up to us to intentionally remember to celebrate those good moments when we reach the destination or attain the outcome we had set our sights. In episode #327, I share in detail the process (which is quite simple, but we just need to remember to do it). Dr. Hanson shares in his book Buddha’s Brain the importance of teaching the brain to trust that these good moments are possible, and it all comes down to savoring. Slowing down to savor. In other words, celebrate.

Why we might not celebrate:

• We don’t feel we are enough just as we are. You seek validation from the external world because you don’t trust you have value just by being and offering to the world who you are. You cannot “earn your worth”. You already are worthy, and always have been and will be.
• Sometimes when we choose to not celebrate it reflects insecurity in ourselves and a feeling of low self-worth (remember, we always have self-worth. It never leaves us, but something we forget we have it.)
• We don’t value ‘being’ and believe (wrongly) that the only best way to live life is to constantly be doing. (Read this post on the importance of ‘being’.)
• Fear of getting behind or ‘losing your edge’

Why we need to celebrate:

1. For further successes down the road

As shared in a Harvard Business Review article, “We don’t celebrate just the win; we celebrate to win.”

2. To show ourselves self-respect

When we take the time to rest and celebrate, we communicate a trust in ourselves and to the outside world that we know what we did was done and done to the best of our abilities. By not rushing to the next ‘thing’, we are saying to our mind and to those who are looking for us to do more, that we know we will be able to, but in order to do so, we need to take care of ourselves. This act of self-respect effects many layers of our life: improving our self-talk, improving our self-confidence and teaching others how to treat us because we don’t let ourselves get run-down. We respect our needs and value quality tomorrows.

3. To keep our edge

“A pause is not paralysis. It’s proactive!”

Ironically, because we give ourselves the time to celebrate, we gain back the fuel and the energy and thus the creative brain space to come up with new ideas, to connect dots, to play with all that new and old knowledge you now have. When we view celebrating as a part of the preparation process for the next project, we see it as vitally necessary and less likely to bypass.

4. Overcome cognitive distortions

The worst-case scenario doom-dwellers revel in cognitive distortions, taking all that could go wrong and letting it be the narrative in our mind. But when we choose to celebrate, we “help overcome cognitive distortions” because we are teaching the brain what actually is happening which thus lends less credence to the negative thoughts we had once let run rampant.

5. Gain helpful feedback for your next project

Knowing what helped contribute to the success you are now reveling in helps formulate how you will work on the next project, but you must give yourself time to reflect, and that is what celebrating allows. Similar to the acceptance speech at an awards show: when the winner is sharing all of the people who helped them arrive at this successful moment, they are reflecting on all that helped, all that made it possible, and this happens when we celebrate. If we rush to the next project, we aren’t learning the helpful lessons that we may overlook or didn’t realize played a role, and thus miss out on including valuable ingredients that will ensure yet another success.

6. Strengthen relationships

Taking the example mentioned above, when we take the time to thank those who helped us along the way to our success, we are acknowledging that we couldn’t have done it alone, and gives us an opportunity to share the energy with others. Receiving gratitude is powerful. Not only do we strengthen bonds because we are practicing awareness that we couldn’t have done it alone, but feeling appreciated is part of being human, something we crave. And while we must approve and appreciate ourselves, when others see us, we cannot help but both be lifted. Not only do others want to work with someone who will notice them, they also want to know that their work matters. We all do, and sometimes we forget because of those bad days, so when someone reminds us what we have contributed, we are buoyed and energized to keep doing what we can uniquely do and give to the world.

7. Strengthen self-confidence

Long after the celebration has happened, we will remember it down the road, and especially when we find ourselves in those momentary swamps, we can remember that we did have success, we are capable and we will make it through this unwanted moment. Yet again, celebration comes to our benefit because we invested preventatively long ago. Not only is celebrating beneficial in the short term before we begin our next project, it is helpful in the long-term at a moment we cannot predict when or where it will happen, but having celebrated previously, we are packing helpful insurance to pull us through.

This will sound obvious, but perhaps a necessary reminder: Life is meant to be lived, and if we forget to celebrate, we are consciously passing by one of the ingredients that makes life quite enjoyable to live.

Our celebrations don’t need to be grand or expensive, or even cost a thing. They don’t even need to involve anyone else in the instances where you simply reached a goal that solely involved your self-discipline or sole effort to achieve, but be sure to celebrate. Perhaps your favorite meal, or treat yourself to an afternoon at your favorite place of respite. Or even more simple, permit yourself to dance about your home and cheering aloud for yourself. This is communicating to your brain that all is very well indeed and the endorphins begin to flow, and a new memory is created and stored that will be of great benefit now and tomorrow.

To habituate the act of gratitude into our days and remembering to celebrate whenever we achieve something we’ve set as an intention rewrites negative texts we may have held by default in our mind, and begins to change how we engage with each day, with each person. This changes the vibration of our life’s energy and how we live each day, and while the future is unwritten, we have provided ourselves with an infinite inkwell of possibility that life is and will be quite sweet indeed. And it all begins by being consciously aware of all that is going well, taking note, savoring it and taking the time to pause and celebrate.

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Petit Plaisir

~Mariage Frères Darjeeling Master thé