Recognizing Incongruence in Relationships in Order to Heal Ourselves

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 PETITES PENSÉES LUNDI

A new addition to TSLL's regular postings, available to all readers, non and Basic and TOP Tier members. Enjoy the Petites Pensées Lundi post each and every Monday as you begin the week, a shorter post replacing the Monday Motivational post, as I dive into completing TSLL's 4th book. This post, sharing thoughts to ponder, or as I am choosing to title them, Petites Pensées, 'small thoughts', while not small in depth of content, but rather small in length - no more than 1-3 3-5 paragraphs, with an introduction sharing from where the post was written or conceptualized wherever in the world I might find myself will offer a glimpse into one of the numerous and unique ways to live a life of contentment.

SETTING:

Lieu: Le Papillon
Thé/drink: A cold glass of water
Des Sons: sweetly snoring pups and KDFC’s California’s All Night Classical Music, Carl Czerny’s Piano Concerto in F, op 28

Hearing “I love you”, but observing unloving actions from the speaker toward yourself.

Being told “you are enough just as you are”, but frequently being asked to do better or give more beyond what you have chosen to give and know to be your boundary or full capability at that time.

Observing an unsettling situation, but being told “everything is fine”.

Each of these are examples of incongruence, when either the feeling we are experiencing or what we are seeing doesn’t align with what is told to us verbally or the words we hear.

Unless we give ourselves distance and time, perhaps even help from a third-party such as a counselor, it can be difficult to understand why, for example, we consistently doubt ourselves when attempting to make constructive life changes even when those who love us claim to believe we are enough. Or maybe we continually try to be ‘perfect’ in our most intimate relationships, feeling inferior and never being able to be fully at peace with how life is at this moment. Keep in mind that doubt is based on recalling past similar experiences whereas fear is prompted by the unknown we are stepping into, something we’ve never experienced before. And while, yes, we may be about to try something that is new to us, what causes doubt is rooted in the past and whether or not we know, or are confident that we are capable or not. What we’ve witnessed subconsciously – actions, behavior – plays a role in our trust that indeed we are capable, or not.

So when we hear, “I love you just the way you are”, but then receive judgmental commentary about how we look or the outfits we choose or unconsciously believe that approval be acquired externally of our life choices, or are told “You are enough” but then the same person walks into your home or life and points out what isn’t working, what needs attention, or maybe, and this is subtle, but if done consistently keeps you unconsciously feeling insufficient in your ability to love, when you give of either your time, gifts or generosity, and while hearing thank you, you also hear them wish for more.

Unless we understand that we each truly are enough just as we are and what we choose to give is exactly the right amount because the only person who can know what that amount is is ourselves, we will doubt that either are true if the messaging is incongruent with what we hear from those we come into regular contact with or share our daily life.

In extreme cases, psychologists call this Incongruent Affect, and if regularly experienced by a child or in a relationship of influence, it can have unhealthy affects in how we trust ourselves, communicate and build (or choose not to build) relationships; however, for our purposes today, as persons who are competent in our lives generally speaking, but may have recognized something continues to be unsettling, even painful after being experienced for years even decades, what we can do to heal ourselves is first honor the truth that we feel each time something triggers doubt to arise. Let’s take a look at the journey toward healing:

Notice the inconsistency when words don’t align with actions. This experience, this witness to the incongruence is real even if the person or people being incongruent don’t acknowledge or understand what they are doing.
Acknowledge and let yourself grieve, forgiving yourself for wrongly accepting false information that denied either how you felt or what you saw or anything that prompted you to try to ‘fix’ yourself or do more falsely believing you weren’t enough. Forgiveness can also be part of what you extend to the offender. While you will no longer choose to engage with this person, and may even confront them as will be addressed in #3, by forgiving them, you set yourself free. You are not validating or “okaying” what they did, but you are helping yourself move forward without being tied down to the pain of the past.
Move forward, confronting the person is optional based on the relationship and time or role in your life, but what is important is knowing now with confidence, even if long after the inciting incidents, that your feelings were real, your confusion valid and that you can change course and build healthy relationships that don’t involve incongruence. How? Because now you know what it looks like and will no longer tolerate it. Conversely, when you observe the security and courage of someone who does align their words with their actions, you can deeply appreciate their willingness to be brave, to be truly loving.

It takes mutual awareness to observe alignment or lack thereof both in others and in ourselves. While certainly we can make mistakes and misspeak, it is the consistency of incongruence that causes the pain and distrust both in ourselves and in others. By taking the time to speak honestly while lovingly (remember, loving-kindness paired with integrity), we provide the best opportunity to speak as well as act thoughtfully and bravely. Because yes, it will require courage to align our words and actions.

To be loving in our actions simultaneously as we speak words of love requires of us to be vulnerable, because we must let go and accept the uncertainty that will forever be a part of life — we share this grand world with others. It is fool-hardy and counter-intuitive to try to control another’s actions, and each time we attempt to do so, we only reveal that we are a person living in fear, a person who doesn’t trust their own capabilities to navigate the unknown, tomorrow and whatever it will bring, well.

Today, may today’s post bring reassurance, comfort and a path forward toward healing so that no longer do you have to reside in a place of doubt in your amazing potential to experience real love, peace of mind and enjoyment of living each day without fear of disappointing anyone who truly loves you.

~As today’s post is merely a introduction to this topic of healing, I have compiled a list of four books below that will provide further exploration on how to heal:

When You’re Ready, This Is How You Heal by Brianna Wiest