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PETITES PENSÉES LUNDI
A new addition to TSLL's regular postings, available to all readers, non and Basic and TOP Tier members. Enjoy the Petites Pensées Lundi post each and every Monday as you begin the week, a shorter post replacing the Monday Motivational post, as I dive into completing TSLL's 4th book. This post, sharing thoughts to ponder, or as I am choosing to title them, Petites Pensées, 'small thoughts', while not small in depth of content, but rather small in length - no more than 1-3 3-5 paragraphs, with an introduction sharing from where the post was written or conceptualized wherever in the world I might find myself will offer a glimpse into one of the numerous and unique ways to live a life of contentment.
SETTING:
- Lieu: Le Papillon
- Thé/drink: A cold glass of water
- Des Sons: sweetly snoring pups and KDFC’s California’s All Night Classical Music, Carl Czerny’s Piano Concerto in F, op 28
Hearing “I love you”, but observing unloving actions from the speaker toward yourself.
Being told “you are enough just as you are”, but frequently being asked to do better or give more beyond what you have chosen to give and know to be your boundary or full capability at that time.
Observing an unsettling situation, but being told “everything is fine”.
Each of these are examples of incongruence, when either the feeling we are experiencing or what we are seeing doesn’t align with what is told to us verbally or the words we hear.
Unless we give ourselves distance and time, perhaps even help from a third-party such as a counselor, it can be difficult to understand why, for example, we consistently doubt ourselves when attempting to make constructive life changes even when those who love us claim to believe we are enough. Or maybe we continually try to be ‘perfect’ in our most intimate relationships, feeling inferior and never being able to be fully at peace with how life is at this moment. Keep in mind that doubt is based on recalling past similar experiences whereas fear is prompted by the unknown we are stepping into, something we’ve never experienced before. And while, yes, we may be about to try something that is new to us, what causes doubt is rooted in the past and whether or not we know, or are confident that we are capable or not. What we’ve witnessed subconsciously – actions, behavior – plays a role in our trust that indeed we are capable, or not.
So when we hear, “I love you just the way you are”, but then receive judgmental commentary about how we look or the outfits we choose or unconsciously believe that approval be acquired externally of our life choices, or are told “You are enough” but then the same person walks into your home or life and points out what isn’t working, what needs attention, or maybe, and this is subtle, but if done consistently keeps you unconsciously feeling insufficient in your ability to love, when you give of either your time, gifts or generosity, and while hearing thank you, you also hear them wish for more.
Unless we understand that we each truly are enough just as we are and what we choose to give is exactly the right amount because the only person who can know what that amount is is ourselves, we will doubt that either are true if the messaging is incongruent with what we hear from those we come into regular contact with or share our daily life.
In extreme cases, psychologists call this Incongruent Affect, and if regularly experienced by a child or in a relationship of influence, it can have unhealthy affects in how we trust ourselves, communicate and build (or choose not to build) relationships; however, for our purposes today, as persons who are competent in our lives generally speaking, but may have recognized something continues to be unsettling, even painful after being experienced for years even decades, what we can do to heal ourselves is first honor the truth that we feel each time something triggers doubt to arise. Let’s take a look at the journey toward healing:
- Notice the inconsistency when words don’t align with actions. This experience, this witness to the incongruence is real even if the person or people being incongruent don’t acknowledge or understand what they are doing.
- Acknowledge and let yourself grieve, forgiving yourself for wrongly accepting false information that denied either how you felt or what you saw or anything that prompted you to try to ‘fix’ yourself or do more falsely believing you weren’t enough. Forgiveness can also be part of what you extend to the offender. While you will no longer choose to engage with this person, and may even confront them as will be addressed in #3, by forgiving them, you set yourself free. You are not validating or “okaying” what they did, but you are helping yourself move forward without being tied down to the pain of the past.
- Move forward, confronting the person is optional based on the relationship and time or role in your life, but what is important is knowing now with confidence, even if long after the inciting incidents, that your feelings were real, your confusion valid and that you can change course and build healthy relationships that don’t involve incongruence. How? Because now you know what it looks like and will no longer tolerate it. Conversely, when you observe the security and courage of someone who does align their words with their actions, you can deeply appreciate their willingness to be brave, to be truly loving.
It takes mutual awareness to observe alignment or lack thereof both in others and in ourselves. While certainly we can make mistakes and misspeak, it is the consistency of incongruence that causes the pain and distrust both in ourselves and in others. By taking the time to speak honestly while lovingly (remember, loving-kindness paired with integrity), we provide the best opportunity to speak as well as act thoughtfully and bravely. Because yes, it will require courage to align our words and actions.
To be loving in our actions simultaneously as we speak words of love requires of us to be vulnerable, because we must let go and accept the uncertainty that will forever be a part of life — we share this grand world with others. It is fool-hardy and counter-intuitive to try to control another’s actions, and each time we attempt to do so, we only reveal that we are a person living in fear, a person who doesn’t trust their own capabilities to navigate the unknown, tomorrow and whatever it will bring, well.
Today, may today’s post bring reassurance, comfort and a path forward toward healing so that no longer do you have to reside in a place of doubt in your amazing potential to experience real love, peace of mind and enjoyment of living each day without fear of disappointing anyone who truly loves you.
~As today’s post is merely a introduction to this topic of healing, I have compiled a list of four books below that will provide further exploration on how to heal:
When You’re Ready, This Is How You Heal by Brianna Wiest
The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté
Why Can’t I Let Go? by MIchelle Skeen, PSYD and Kelly Skeen
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~Learn more about TSLL’s Contentment Masterclass
Also important to note is if you recognize yourself as, not the victim in these scenarios, but the perpetrator. When one is immersed in such a relationship, oftentimes those two roles can be interchangeable, perpetuating a dismal and heartbreaking cycle. Because we are creatures that ultimately desire security above all else, we will dismiss such behavior as merely compromise or a well-established and accepted norm of our peers, ie better to deal with “the devil we know” than confront these behaviors and initiate the change that is so necessary for our own health and thus our contentedness, not to mention the other person’s and the relationship. I am guilty still of letting my own petty frustrations and ego-driven expectations create non-loving scenarios that I detest as I am doing them and feel wretched and awful about immediately. Of course it is all over with almost immediately, but how corrosive and damaging. Worse still is that this is a learned behavior that I still cannot shake at times from a very toxic relationship from a very long time ago. (I weary of myself and my megrims sometimes. ) As you say, Shannon, extend loving-kindness paired with integrity, and might I humbly add, grace, to yourself and all others. Excellent post today, Shannon, thank you.
A timely prescription in this post, Shannon. In the spirit of being tolerant, I have endured such behavior from a family member for decades and recently put it to rest. I can’t paint myself as a victim but essentially as a gullible peacekeeper. Eight months ago I closed the book on that relationship and while I occasionally revisit the situation in my mind, I know I have done the right thing for her and for me. Some things cannot be fixed, and understanding the process makes the final decision much easier. Your comments here have truly verified my conclusions and calmed my thoughts, thank you.
Lucy, I too endured such behavior from a very close family member that I too tolerated and ignored , but the distance between us deepened through the years. The catalyst to finally free myself of this relationship came when both the person and their spouse began saying such frankly shocking and vile things about me and I suddenly realized that my family member had finally succeeded in breaking irretrievably that familial bond of kin and blood between us. There was only a momentary bit of wistful sadness for the close bond that we had shared many many years ago and then there was only relief and a closure. As you say, some things cannot be fixed and to my mind, they cannot be, for there is nothing left to fix. In the end, we must love and respect ourselves if we wish to be of any good to this world. Ending such relationships is one of the healthiest and loving things we can do for not only our own well-being, but for the world’s.
Dearest Rona. You are correct. In our minds, we know that self-respect is rooted in our personal values, moral, and belief system. But through life we also compromise that at times to keep the peace. We don’t want to be hurtful or disrupt an established family dynamic. But we also sense when to address the problem, to regain our integrity and strengthen our actions in the future. Self-respect, that is the word. Have a beautiful between week, the New Year awaits, and we have so much to look forward to. Toodles!
“Gullible peacekeeper” Such a fitting description for me. I am about to close the book on that role in my birth family. I needed this post and your comments today as I am going through a difficult time this Christmas season. Thank you Shannon for this post and you Lucy for your insights.
Noreen,
Sending you much love and support. Your feelings are valid and honoring what you need even if others don’t understand is important and necessary. Grateful to know this post could help in any way. Take care and may you find peace this Christmas season as you find the courage you already have within you to ensure that you can savor Christmas. xo
Dear Noreen, if I could send you a hug via the miles, I would do just that. I know what a difficult, and painful decision you are making. I have a dear young friend who had a similar decision to make several years ago. Her strength was knowing she had support beyond that family. Each of us need to move in the direction that best suits the situation. One step at a time, dear heart, rely on the inner knowledge that you know yourself better than anyone else. May this Christmas be one that strengthens your heart. Best wishes for the coming New Year.