407: The Joys of Living Alone —By Choice or Circumstance

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“’I think that’s just how life panned out. I had children and it was difficult to have a relationship with a man who was not the father. And I started thinking, OK, I’ll take care of the children and then when they’re grown up, I’ll be available for a partner. But then I found, I have to say, the great serenity of being single.’” She pauses, as if to savour the words. “’And if I hadn’t, I don’t think I would have been able to do all that I’ve done. I have freedom of movement.’”—Isabella Rossellini

When I recently read Isabella Rosselini’s quote shared above about why she, initially unconsciously, and then consciously chosen to live alone, referring to not having a romantic partner, for over 30 years, I spontaneously found myself smiling in appreciation of her candor and openness to discovering the gifts that life wants to share with us if only we would let go of narrow constructs of how one’s life must look.

The value we give our lives when we understand how to find serenity for ourselves, is revolutionary because we give ourselves the reins, or should I say the recipe, for exactly what will bring us peace.

The concept of serenity lies at the heart of what we feel when we are living a life of contentment. And as has been shared regularly here on TSLL, each of us will cultivate our life structure – relationships, responsibilities, rituals, routines, excursions, home life, etc. – differently to nurture ourselves well in order to be able to live, express and engage fully.

Too often no variation is given to certain ingredients in one’s life in order to find or be at peace. If we do find peace without these purported to be ‘must-have’s, as Rosselini has demonstrated, society can gang up on us to pressure us or make us doubt our own inner truth. But whether or not to live with another person, specifically a romantic partner, is indeed a variable, not a constant, in the many variations available to us as we cultivate our unique life to discover where contentment resides.

As I was preparing today’s episode, I began going back through TSLL’s archives of posts that focused on both living alone and being single, and come to find out, there are quite a few! This discovery led me to create a new category here on TSLL that I think will be a helpful and inspiring trove of content, research, and validation for those of us that either choose to be single, find ourselves single or living alone for the first time or are seeking out how to do a multitude of activities in our own company whether in a romantic relationship or not. The category is titled Solitude.

Below is a glimpse at the category page for Solitude found in TSLL’s Archives and a few of the posts. You can view all of the posts here.

Back in 2015, podcast episode #33 – How to Live Alone Well – was shared and included 16 approaches and benefits of doing so. While I won’t repeat those benefits in this episode, and I encourage you to explore them, it is now ten years on, and as TSLL readers know, I continue to live alone by choice. A choice, a priority for living the life where and how I find true contentment. Of course, many listeners/readers who know me, know I am not really alone as I live with my pups and have done so for all but three years of my adult life. For me, this is also a choice because my dogs let me just be, and I have not yet found a human being who is comfortable with letting me just be. In other words, giving me freedom along with trust, so that the home that is a sanctuary is indeed that for all inhabitants. So today’s episode will dive a bit deeper, sharing the joys of this way of living and savoring immensely everyday life – alone and delightfully so.

Briefly just alluded to – what you will notice as an intentional undercurrent in all of these joys shared today is freedom. When we give ourself the freedom to choose what is most nourishing and nutritive for our well-being, we step closer to living a life of contentment, if we aren’t already. Ultimately, as we talked about in episode #403 – 10 Ways Integrating Buddhist Psychology into Your Everyday Life Cultivates Contentment – the core purpose of Buddhism is to bring deep healing, well-being and inner freedom.

So whether you are living alone by choice or by circumstance, the time you do live alone has the opportunity through this freedom to become intimately in tune with yourself so you can ascertain with clarity and self-trust how you want to live your life so that it is grounded in contentment.

Let’s take a look at this list of 8 Joys of living alone.

Joy #1 — Absence of Judgment and Limitation in Your Sanctuary

When we live alone, we alone are the benefactors of the lifestyle we live, so we both have ourselves to thank or blame if it cares for us well. In other words, we know if we are sleeping well or horribly. We know if we are eating well, and by choosing a moment to indulge in something more decadent, we know whether or not we will have the willpower to return to eating well the majority of the time.

Sometimes in our way of living with another person, we become hemmed in by their schedule or habits, and them by ours, and so we then long to be able to do what we think we’ve always wanted to be able to do. Don’t get me wrong, there are things couples can do together that are extraordinarily enjoyable, but the routine of everyday life when we live alone is full of possibility for us to design in such a way that never hears a voice providing comment. Unless it is our own of course, but through strengthening our mindfulness practice, we can become more aware of our thoughts because our thoughts become our words (inner dialogue counts!) and our words become our actions in how we care for ourselves.

Being able to go to bed early or late or wake up in the middle of the night when we’re inspired and want to read or write without fear of waking someone else up is a gift that we give ourself and with each passing year, in my own experience, I am grateful to have this freedom. From wonderful nights of sleep, rising in the morning when my body and mind awake to begin the day, routines and rituals that nourish well the needs to put the odds in our favor for a great day, and all without commentary or curtailment. Bliss.

Sometimes we are given just enough time to discover how to set boundaries and stand up for ourselves before we choose to welcome another to share a home. So in this way as well, we are being given much by having this freedom to realize perhaps how we held ourself back from giving ourselves what we needed.

Joy #2 — The Ability to Build Strength to Honor Your Energy’s Ebb & Flow

Similar to #1, everyone’s energy flows slightly or significantly differently. Now, this dynamic characteristic that we all have is affected by many different factors – health, schedule, responsibilities, as well as our own internal clock and what stimulates and energizes us and what does not. Being able to become aware of our needs, if we choose to be cognizant of them and not fight what we discover, or being able to change our schedule, diet and physical exercise to better care for ourselves, when we live alone, we have the ability to do so with more ease.

Joy #3 — Sharpen Your Awareness without Influence of Others

As we grow in awareness through mindfulness practices taught in-depth in TSLL’s Contentment Masterclass and mentioned from time to time here on the blog and podcast, we gain a keen insight into how others might have influenced us in the past that we no longer want to continue or respond in the same way.

I shared in episode #391 6 Important Skills and Abilities Gained When You Begin Living a Life of Contentment, and one of them was gaining a keen awareness of how I feel around individual people and why you feel what I do. When we are living alone, we can, if we know ourselves and can be objective through mindfulness practices, give ourself the time and process without another’s opinion or experience with that person to come to our own truth of how and why we feel as we do.

Aside from how we feel around certain people, we too become aware of with a newfound clarity of situations, environments, and so many other places, and paired with critical thinking, we can rest assured, we are seeing clearly what is happening versus ‘drinking the Koolaid’ or simply not thinking fully by ourself.

Just as was mentioned in #1, often it is the time we live alone where we strengthen muscles that need to be toned so that when or if we do live with another, we are no longer unconscious to the influence they might attempt (consciously or unconsciously) and, most importantly, we keep an open-mind and heart letting them think for themselves as well without fear of causing harm to the relationship.

Joy #4 — Build Self-Trust

When we live on our own, we are depending upon ourselves to pay the bills, care for our home – everything within our everyday life is our responsibility. However, we are interconnected if we have consciously built a social network (we explored how to build a strong network in episode #392). By becoming a secure person, we are not co-dependent, and thus have learned the skills for how to build healthy relationships with all sorts of people that decorate our daily life. Our secure attachment, as explored in-depth in episode #318 is only something we can give ourselves. If we need to heal from having unhealthy attachment or avoidance issues, that is our responsibility. Ultimately, when we are a secure adult, we know what is our responsibility, and we tend to it well, not looking to another to take care of it for us.

During times of struggle, we discover a reserve of strength and creativity we may have previously not known we had because we never had to delve deep for it. When we do this, when we problem-solve successfully, we build our confidence and thus our trust in ourselves.

The reason I chose the photo below for this post/show notes is because part of trusting that we will not ‘be alone’ when we need someone is letting go. Self-trust has the potential to be gained when we live alone, and realize the joys that abound. It is by letting go of having to know when we will need another, that we actually gain peace. Because whether we live alone or with someone, we cannot control how events will unfold

Joy #5 — Being Your Own Personal Chef

Perhaps it’s my generation and our not accepting gender roles in the home, but I have never understood why one person is expected to be the cook for the household, and the other, if they do cook is praised when they do so from time to time. My mother seemed to take on this role happily while we were children, but I know other moms that did not, and consequently, nobody stepped up to the plate even though there were two adults in the household. I guess what I am trying to say is, when we are expected to cook and feed multiple people, it can take the joy out of cooking. I get it, and perhaps that is why I have been very hesitant to live with anyone (one of the many reasons) – I did not want to be expected to cook for someone else who was perfectly capable of doing on their own.

It’s the expectation. Ina Garten spoke to this in her memoir that was released last year, and to hear her say this was a breath of fresh air. In my own experience, my love for cooking comes from wanting to not only feed and nourish my body and appetite well now and in the long-term, but also because I LOVE delicious food! Instead of relying on others to create it for me, I was determined to figure it out, and since eating out regularly at amazing restaurants isn’t an option for the budget, I took what I discovered while dining on special occasions at those restaurants and began to hone my skills, ask questions and give it a go.

When we live alone, it is the best time to learn how to cook because we don’t have to buy as many ingredients (servings – one or two!), and we can afford those speciality items, again because we don’t need as much to make the dish! Of course, we also get to cook what we love, and when we want to step outside of our comfort zone, do so as gradually as we would like.

In other words, yes, it takes some time to cook a meal at home, but once we know the skills, have a well-stocked épicerie and cook with the seasons (all of which will be taught in detail in TSLL’s Intro to French Cooking class – Everyday Deliciousness!), meal creation doesn’t have to take more than 15-20 minutes and we can be enjoying a tailored meal to our taste every time we are our own personal chef.

Joy #6 — Being Your Own Tour Guide

Just as we are able to tailor our food to our tastes, we are able to tailor our travel plans to our preferences. I shared in episode #220 the many benefits and discoveries we give ourselves when we travel alone, as well as how to do so to bring peace of mind, so be sure to read or listen to that episode here.

Of course, when we travel alone, it doesn’t mean we aren’t spending time with others, but when it is our trip solely, we get to decide when and for how long we meet up with people, as well as how much time (or none at all) we want to spend with anyone else.

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~above photo: captured while staying in a vacation rental, an entire house – Rita Konig’s – entirely on my own for a week and loving every minutes of it.

~above photo: my solo trip to Brittany, France, and the many walks along the Pink Granite Coast.~

Joy #7 — Consciously Building and Nurturing a Social Network That Aligns with Your True Self

The intention to build a healthy and nurturing social network is priceless, and it is often far stronger and peace-giving than being in a traditional – live together situation if the relationship is unhealthy. Our social network takes time to build. It requires that we are sincere with others because there is no contract binding us together should someone realize we are untrustworthy or out for our own gain and unable to reciprocate or respect boundaries. In episode #392 we explore how to build a strong social network and its importance, but even if we are in a committed relationship and live with our romantic partner, having such a network is just as important. Let me share a few examples that have revealed to me this truth.

In my neighborhood here in Bend, where I have now lived for five years, I have made many connections and built strong relationships with so many of the folks who call our neighborhood home. We are of varying ages, different family compositions and some live alone while others are young families, retirees, etc. These connections were made sincerely, over time and as a result of a mutual respect for boundaries, safety and community.

As life happens, there have been both deaths and health scares in our community, and as I was talking about this with one of my neighbors recently – she also lives alone with her pup, she shared that her fear was being alone when she died. As a way to reassure her, and also to remind her of the facts of both instances I will share with you here I pointed out that whether living alone or not, we will not be alone so long as we have built a community around us of love, kindness and compassion.

In one instance last year, one neighbor’s wife had gone to town for a medical procedure that would require her to be unavailable for the first half of the day (no access to her phone). While she was gone, he, her husband, had a medical emergency in their house – she couldn’t answer her phone, so he phoned his neighbors, and we all came instantly, called the ambulance, cared for him and his pup until the EMTs arrived. In another instance this past spring, a gentleman, the heartbeat of our neighborhood, who lives alone, passed away as he was preparing for an annual gathering of all of his friends and neighbors who were busily around him, in and out of the house helping him set up when it happened. Neither of these two men were alone even though one lived with someone (his wife in this instance) and the other no longer did. But both had people, because of their connections with others outside of their home established over years of being genuinely present, loving and kind just because, who were there during the most difficult and unwanted moments to help and care for them as they needed.

Making the decision as significant and life-influencing as whether or not to share our home, our sanctuary, with another heartbeat of the human variety, needs to come from a place of trust in oneself rather than fear of the worst case scenario that likely, as I hope I have demonstrated above, will never happen.

Again, all of these discoveries are meant to demonstrate the importance of self-knowledge. There are so many variables in life – our income, the amount of space we live in, our health, our dependents and their age, what nourishes us, so on and so forth, but it is vitally important that we make decisions not based on cultural dictates, but on what nourishes our being. We will then be all the more loving and secure in ourselves when we do.

While yes, we need to nourish our relationships with those in our intimate circle – romantic partner, children, family, etc., we also need to consciously nourish our entire social network where we give as well as receive support. Not with the intention to ‘have someone there when death arrives’, but instead to bring life into our days, diverse ideas and experiences to the seasons and activities we engage in, and ways to tickle our curiosity to always ensure we are growing.

Knowing why you want to live with someone, the true reasons, is the best dose of medicine you can give yourself. It is crucial that you are honest with yourself in your responses, even if you tell no one else. If you can be truly honest with yourself, you will give yourself the key to making the best decision for the short and long-term of your life’s contentment.

Joy #8 — An Opportunity (not a promise) to Discover How Courageous You Are

There are many things that upon reflection I am proud of myself for having had the courage to do. Upon reflection it seems obvious, knowing what I now know about myself and what brings me to life, that I made those decisions. But at the time, they were incredibly difficult. For me, living alone gives me the time to think, to feel and understand what I need and then come to the decisions I need to make to let my life bloom to its fullest, no matter how hard those decisions seem to be at the time.

Not everyone will need to live alone to make the decisions that will reveal to them their full breadth of courage, but often when we are forever bustling and busy with our own schedule and the schedule of everyone else’s in the household, we can become easily distracted and become unaware that we need to make a change, let alone time to clearly and with patience figure out how to make that change a constructive one and one filled with love and absent of regret or avoidable pain.

Whether we live alone our entire lives or for portions of our life, the most important truth we must give ourself is the answer to why we either don’t want to live alone or why we do. If we are making the decision out of fear, what we are revealing to ourself is where we need to heal and good news! where we can grow. Healing, something we talked about in this post, is often found when we pause. Pausing, choosing to live alone, has the opportunity for us to discover amazing truths that will then provide guideposts for where to go and how to live as we move forward.

When we live each day, each moment guided by the two simple principles of the Buddhist philosophy – loving-kindness (to others and ourself) and integrity (to our true self), whether we live alone for a short while or a long while, we will find a sanctuary full of gifts to savor. Joys abound just wanting to be discovered if we are brave enough to open our life up to them.

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~Learn more about the Intro to French Cooking: Everyday Deliciousness cooking class from TSLL

SIMILAR EPISODES YOU MIGHT ENJOY

episode #33: How to Live Alone Well, 16 Ideas to Ponder