“When we search for perfection, be it in ourselves or others, we’re using the critical mind, the judgmental mind, the thinking mind. Approaching life in this way, we never find perfection. When we seek perfection, there is a degree of comparison going on . . . As long as we’re living a [seeking perfection in ourselves and/or in others], there is always a certain tension. It doesn’t mean that we can’t strive to be a better person. It doesn’t mean we can’t strive to create the conditions in which we can all experience a healthier and happier life, but if we’re so focused on a future moment, if we’re so focused on an idea, or a thought of perfection, then we’ll never actually get to experience the perfection of each and every moment.” —Andy Puddicombe

The perfect moment. The perfect conversation. The perfect person. The perfect life.

The instant we state this phrase of seeking a perfect [anything], we are engaging in comparison. Because in order to deem something perfect, something else must be less than. And we toss aside the amazing situation right in the here and now any time we compare.

Part of residing in contentment throughout our everydays involves letting go of normalized behavior and habits we have assumed are just as it will be, as it is. In other words, if we have become accustomed to critiquing anything, seeking more than what is being presented at any given moment, not celebrating what is right now, often it is because that is what is rewarded in the culture. But it doesn’t serve us well to do this. When we relinquish the choice to live consciously and bravely savor what each day gives us and not ask for it to be different, we voluntarily give away the ingredients to living a life to savor every single day.

Mindfulness and meditation teacher Andy Puddicombe reassures in the quote above what might be a fear of anyone who realizes they seek perfection, acknowledging it is unhelpful, yet refuses to change or stop the pursuit: Refraining from seeking perfection doesn’t mean we cannot still grow, learn, and improve, evolving more and more into our full potential without seeking perfection whether in ourselves or in others. We absolutely can do all of these things, and ironically, when we let go of perfection seeking, we realize how perfect the moment and our life is right now for providing us with exactly what we need to live the life we desire.

Part of the reason some of us, and I was once in the habit of doing this as well, fall into seeking perfection, is because we don’t have agency, or don’t feel we have agency, in our lives or life journey at a particular moment, and so we focus on what we can control, or think we can control, and that control involves perfecting which takes us out of seeing fully all that is and choosing to see the moment as just as it needs to be – whether it is what we want or what we don’t, but in the latter we are 99% of the time being given something we need – whether it is a realization or motivation to change or make different decisions or to be reminded of something we are taken for granted. The list of why unwanted moments arrive in our lives goes on and can be quite lengthy because each of us has unique and individual lessons to learn in order to find the path that is uniquely ours to travel that will help us discover our dharma (two detailed mini-lessons are included in the Contentment Masterclass about dharma, what it is, how to find it and how to nurture it).

When we talk about unnecessary stress, seeking perfection falls into this category.

As quoted, when we seek perfection, we create tension. We cannot be at ease, we cannot reside in contentment, if we want the moment to be more than what it is in any way. And when we won’t accept the moment for what it is, we are not fully in the present moment.

Being a critical thinker is a core life skill, a life skill that serves us well to make wise and constructive decisions about absolutely everything in our life, but with everything, we need to use it consciously. Meaning, to think critically about someone’s behavior or presentation or our behavior or presentation, in other words, to constantly be demanding perfection, is an exercise in judging and comparing, not a practice in acceptance, open-mindedness and being loving. So I guess what I am trying to distinquis is that the adjective ‘critical’ appears in our conversation today, but we must not confuse critical thinking with being critical. The latter appears when we seek perfection and refuse to let ourselves relax and savor the moment fully just as it is. (Psst – I teach an entire lesson on what critical thinking is and how to think critically in the Contentment Masterclass.)

Over the years, with conscious practice and awareness through self-exploration, I have been able to largely let go of being and seeking perfection and instead focus my attention more solely on savoring the now (admittedly, we all have our moments of regression, but the key is to acknowledge when we do, thus practicing awareness). It didn’t happen overnight, but gradually those bad habits of perfecting everything that would cross my path that I cared about or who I cared about began to lessen, and by savoring the everydays, by making choices that enhanced the quality of my everydays, I began to see the ‘perfection’ I had directly sought but that caused so much tension and stress in doing so, began to materialize in its own time without forcing it to do so.

Why or How did this happen? I didn’t let go of my dreams or hopes but instead set intentions, let go of the timeline, took more responsibility for my engagement and how I showed up and became really honest with myself about where the tension or feeling of lack of agency resided. Once I pinpointed this last crucial piece, I started to be honest with myself about addressing those areas, and sure enough, when I finally gave myself the agency I thought I didn’t have previously, I no longer projected my fear of lacking it where it shouldn’t have been in the first place.

There are many reasons we seek perfection, and each of us who seeks (or sought) perfection will know exactly what that is for ourselves. As I mentioned above, overarchingly, the root of seeking perfection resides in not feeling we have agency over something in our lives that if we did, we would be more at ease. This feeling of lack could be a belief that we lack any of the following:

• Confidence in our abilities – feeling as though you are not enough in any way
• Security in any form – physical, financial, emotional, etc.

What you may have noticed in this list is that each of these speaks to an insecurity of some sort. As Psychology Today shares, most people who present as perfectionists behave in such a way as to disguise their own insecurity.

“The only perfection is in being present, yet the perfectionist is never present . . . The pursuit of perfection limits our ability to be present and literally robs us of the vitality of life.” —Psychology Today

Once we acknowledge the responsibility we need to take, it becomes easier to let go of seeking perfection. Again, as so much about living well often comes down to, we must be honest with ourselves and then be willing to make different, sometimes difficult or patient-required decisions, in order to alleviate the fear or tension that has prompted us to seek something that already resides in our life even at this very moment.

Anything can be perfect, but it is the perfection and perfecting that pulls us out of the perfect moment that already exists if only we would notice it.

Food for thought on a Monday to begin not only a new week, but a new month. Initially, letting go of perfection will have to be a conscious choice as most likely we have habituated seeking it for quite a long time; however, with time, our new habit will arise and become a default and that is of savoring what is all around us just as it is and engaging fully with our true selves. Have a wonderful Monday and thank you for stopping by.

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~Learn more about TSLL’s Contentment Masterclass here.