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“We create the conditions to live with less confusion. We create the conditions for more clarity. And [consequently], we create the conditions for a calmer mind and a calmer life.” —Andy Puddicombe
Recall in your mind an aspect of your life that brings you great joy and nourishment. Whether large in scoop as pertaining to an aspect of your lifestyle or how you feel in your skin when you haven’t indulged in something that in the moment would have been enjoyable, but knowingly would have quickly regretted in hindsight.
Our life and the style in which we live it is comprised of details that we have said ‘yes’ to (yes to the job offer, yes, to staying in a relationship, yes to the food we have ate, yes, to the purchases we have made, etc.), and as we talked about a couple of years ago, subtraction often must be applied to certain ‘yes’ decisions when we realize more isn’t better or what we have chosen is no longer nourishing (view the full post below when you click through). Our life also includes aspects that are a result of saying ‘no’. This latter piece to our lifestyle is the skill of discernment, self-knowledge and courage: The art of saying ‘no’.
I began pondering this skill, and how infrequently it is taught, modeled and encouraged, when I found myself recently in two separate instances reflexively saying yes to people who asked me something (in person) that I had no interest in doing, nor, upon pausing, was it either my responsibility or had I conveyed by my actions that I was interested. Yet still, I said yes.
Immediately, I knew I didn’t want to say yes, and in one instance, I followed through, only to have the universe help me out by preventing my ability to pick up what had been requested due to availability; and the other, I spoke up minutes later to correct myself to the person and changed my acceptance – no excuses were made, I simply shared that I spoke too soon being caught off guard, my comfort level had been breeched, but thanked them for the invitation.
The reason I share these examples with you is that it is a skill that eventually will become habituated, but until we habituate it, what has already been made our habit – accepting without a pause, will be our default. And as more than a few quotes will share in today’s post, saying ‘yes’ by default is rarely a recipe for fulfillment, success or happiness.
“Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.” —Josh Billings, 19th century humorist and writer
Our new default doesn’t have to be an immediately no, unless we know without hesitation we won’t change our minds. We can give ourselves time to think by saying, “Let me think about it and get back to you”, but it need no longer be ‘yes’ if such a habit has been to accept what is not desired for fear or hurting someone else’s feelings, making the situation uncomfortable, anything that concerns the consideration of others beyond our own needs.
Take a moment to reflect back on your life, and if you find yourself at this moment in a place that you are savoring, try to recall what invitations, requests, even opportunities, you turned down that would have prevented you from the life you love living now? I use the term ‘opportunity’ because so often when there is an instance in which we say no, the other person may see it as an opportunity from their perspective, from how they enjoy living life, how they believe life is lived to be happy, but just because one person defines something as an opportunity doesn’t mean it is for another.
From grand life altering decisions such as whether to have children, whether to marry, whether to accept the promotion, whether to accept a hand-out from a parent, when we say no, in that moment, guilt may want to rear its head, but when you know yourself, you know whether something would benefit the quality of your life based on the values you have prioritized. Others’ opinions about what an opportunity is or isn’t don’t come into play.
“The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes.” —Tony Blair
Part of the reason saying ‘no’ may be difficult stems from our childhood experiences and the response we received when we said no to our parents or other adults. I know in my own family, when I began to finally start saying no because my interests didn’t align with some people in my household, that person made sure I knew they weren’t happy with my decision. That response affected my inner strength to be willing to trust that my ‘no’ mattered. I have since gone to therapy to help heal regarding this and other norms that were set that I knew weren’t unconsciously and now consciously weren’t helpful. I share my life experience because you aren’t alone if you too were dismissed, ignored or the mood in the room immediately changed (and not for the better) when you said no. This takes a toll on our willingness to say ‘no’, and so we adopt a default that won’t create an unwanted situation to the detriment of our wellbeing.
“The guilt and shame you feel for setting boundaries is a sign of how deeply you were trained to abandon yourself . . . But that guilt you feel when you start saying no? That’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong — it’s a sign you’re finally doing something right. Boundaries aren’t selfish. They’re self-respect in action. You’re not abandoning anyone — you’re finally choosing not to abandon yourself.” —Alexa Ortiz, Harvard certified Lifestyle & Wellness coach
Indeed, one of the most powerful skill for building a meaningful life is the ability to say ‘no.’ It is the protective boundary that allows you to cultivate the connections that nourish your soul, embrace the challenges that foster your growth, and find the moments where you can, without hesitation, offer a resounding yes’.
Often that is the way. We have to first develop the muscle of saying ‘no’ and become comfortable dismissing any guilt that arises because there is no fault in honoring our needs. And then, the world opens up to reveal what we will want to say ‘yes’ to. In many ways, it is the universe testing our inner strength because we will need to possess that strength to be courageous in the life that is waiting for us to live.
“Focusing is saying no. And the result of that focus is going to be some really great products where the total is much greater than the sum of the parts.” —Steve Jobs in 1997 (the iPhone was released in 2007)
As I shared in my first book – Choosing The Simply Luxurious Life: A Modern Woman’s Guide, how we say ‘no’ is simple on the surface, yet may initially make us uncomfortable until it becomes our default. The simple aspect is that we don’t need to share a reason for our answer of ‘no’. ‘No’ is the answer to the question.
In fact, when we respond with a reason, that is our guilt rising up feeling that we need to have a valid reason as viewed in the eyes of the person we are declining. And this often is why lies are spoken, not with intention, not to hurt, but to self-protect and make sure our ‘no’ isn’t ignored, trampled on or won’t cause hurt or anger. However, simply say ‘no’. End of sentence. That is all that is needed. In fact, I know I mentioned above that you can leave the door option hinting that you may accept, but if you know you will not change your mind, saying ‘no’ now is kinder and is understood more clearly.
“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.” —Warren Buffet
Whether the ‘no’ needs to be said in our professional or personal life, the path to contentment which is where we experience inner peace throughout our daily life, requires that we say ‘no’. It will often be quite regularly, and with time, it may ebb, but as we follow our curiosity, as we meet new people, likely we will continue to have to exercise the muscle to help introduce who we are and what we value to others. In other words, we will need to continue to establish where our boundaries are.
How we learn the skill of saying ‘no’ with ease
1. Learn the skill of self-awareness
Self-awareness is our guide that wants to help us out if we pay attention. How do we respond viscerally to the request or invitation? Why is our body responding this way? Are we simply tired or does it have to do with the person, event, etc.? Something is out of alignment if we have a reaction that isn’t one that results in an enthusiastic yes. Only each of us will know what the reason is, but honor that it is present (source).
2. Develop self-respect
When we have strengthened our self-respect, we become better able to set and keep our boundaries. We understand that our true worth never leaves us no matter what external circumstances may be which also means that we understand that contentment resides within us. And because we know that we individually hold the key to cultivating a life that we love, we know what will nourish it and what will diminish it. This prompts us to make decisions that create stability, which involves becoming more strongly motivated to say ‘no’. (source)
3. Take time to respond
Learning the skill of saying ‘no’ is an exercise in learning the difference between responding and reacting. As I demonstrated with my two examples at the top of today’s post, I didn’t pause, I said yes quickly, the perfect example of reacting. When we take time to respond, we give ourselves distance to consider how we are feeling about the invitation or whatever is being offered. We give ourselves space to check our calendar literally, as well as our energy levels and physical response. This article is a wonderful resource that shares 13 different ways to say ‘no’ thoughtfully, complete with examples.
4. Become more tolerant of temporary discomfort
Each time you say no with sincerity, understanding that by declining you are prioritizing your peace, your values and priorities, the discomfort will lessen, but as you begin learning this skill, there will be discomfort. That is normal, especially if you have been a regular ‘yes’ devotee to any invitation or request that came your way. What you are doing is building a tolerance. What you will discover is that the discomfort is temporary and the reward of what you gain mollifies or overrides in multiples any momentary unease upon saying ‘no’.
5. Understand that ‘no’ is a form of self-care
Each of us needs regular nourishment in a variety of mediums, and each of us has a unique recipe as to what our nourishment care-package is. Only we know the recipe for a keeping our nervous system regulated. If we need to say ‘no’, then we need to say ‘no’. This act of self-compassion, to care for ourselves, is not selfish. It permits us to become self-full. Not full of ourselves, but instead, fully capable of expressing our true selves, giving of our gifts and talents to the world, and finding peace in knowing we can give ourselves what we need, and exercising the skill of ‘no’ when we need to strengthens our self-trusting thus helping us become more comfortable with uncertainty with what tomorrow will bring.
The skill of saying ‘no’ is a finessing of both acknowledging there is another human with feelings who is asking, but at the same time, not dismissing the human who is being asked – you. This is one of the many times in our lives to engage with loving-kindness and integrity. We see and value the other person and are honest with them to the extent that is necessary based on the relationship we want to maintain with them, but we also care for ourselves lovingly by choosing what is best for us.
As you begin or continue to exercise this skill, just remember that each time you say no, you are paradoxically stepping closer to the opportunity to say yes with a whole heart.
As I reflect on my life now, the moments savored daily – wiling away time reading whilst sitting on the garden porch, pottering in the garden, snuggling with my pups, sipping a favorite French tea, just as examples – they may seem insignificant, but they reflect the calm and peace I now feel on a daily basis and have for some time. Yes, part of the reason they came about was a result of saying ‘yes’, but in a broader context, paired with the knowledge of myself, they were made possible by also saying ‘no’. And while I may still not be perfect in this skill, I am proud of myself for how far I have come in trusting that ‘no’ is a healthy choice when I feel it in my bones that it is right for me, no matter what whispers or nudges I hear from those outside of me to do otherwise. May you find the strength within you, because it is there and is just waiting for you to seek its help, to say ‘no’ when you need to keep yourself aligned with your life true self. You are not alone, and amazing moments in your everydays and in your most wildest dream days await to be savored.
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episode #122: 7 Benefits of Having Self-Compassion
~Explore TSLL’s Contentment Masterclass – the full, detailed syllabus, watch the in-depth trailer to discover what you will learn and who the class was designed for – here.
