“In a world of fleeting trends, the most profound elegance is self-fidelity. Let your style be an authentic whisper of your spirit, not a borrowed shout. Cultivate your own taste; adorn yourself in truths, not trophies. The greatest rebellion is to remain unyieldingly yourself.”
—Anonymous

Classical music. I love it. Long-time TSLL readers know this about me, and I share in the introduction of my third book, The Road to Le Papillon how I became interested in it because growing up, I wasn’t explosed to it. The calm it brings to my days, especially Baroque music, is priceless and it is what classical music provides that keeps me tuning in to my favorite classical music stations and sharing my favorite compositions with readers both in the monthly Ponderings post and in my 3rd and 4th book. I know this is not a popular interest, but I neither do it to be different nor to gain praise or approval, and in this understanding of why I gravitate towards it, I know I am maintaining my self-fidelity.

On the other end of the spectrum, I am a Francophile, and have been fascinated and feel at home in France, especially the French countryside. Many other people do too. To say the word Paris is to speak to a world-wide chorus of fellow lovers of the culture, the food, the way of life. However, in knowing my sincerity for my adoration, I know it is not me following a trend or the crowds, but rather a genuine feeling of connection that has not been contrived or to gain approval.

And that’s the way of self-fidelity. It can involve choices that align with many others, but it is when it is a mixture of both (in any particular proportion) – stepping away from the crowd while also choosing to be a part of it when it sings our song, that we know that we have been the choreographer of our choices, not influenced by external voices.

In many ways it far easier in our world today to be true to ourselves, void of blindly following trends and cultural preferences as options abound of how to live, what to wear, what [fill in the blank of what we are trying to figure out], but at the same time, because the world is so loud with everyone having a microphone and video in their pockets should they want to use it, it can also be hard to know what our own self is. Are we rebelling against the cacophony or walking our own path? Are we singing our own song or is it a tune we heard unconsciously over and over again while going about our life from surrounding influences?

One way to know we have arrived at least at a semblance of self-fidelity is when we are comfortable in our own company. No matter the length of time, when we choose to be with only ourselves, how comfortable are we? Are we at peace with the decisions we’ve made? Do we feel we can correct them if they need adjustment, and who are we adjusting them for? So long as it is for our peace and to bring a peace of mind to our days, then self-fidelity is part of our way of life far more abundantly than we may have given ourselves credit for.

There will be times in my days when I ponder the life decisions that have brought me to the life I live today and it is often a pondering grounded in appreciation. While I could not have foreseen the decisions, each one, that would eventually lead me to Le Papillon, working from home, a pup as companion, garden to potter in and connecting with online readers in TSLL community from around the world, the simple truth is the fact that there wasn’t a guidebook to lead me here assures me they were made, each decision, with a sincere heart. In alignment with what my true compass. Each decision made, not all easily, but hopeful that it would work out because if they did, I knew I would be energized, full of creative ideas to share and capable of living well.

As you will see in point #7, one of the true tests to determine if we are living with the compass of self-fidelity as our guide is whether we have a detailed map of direction or not. Let me bring relief and skip ahead for a moment, not having one, at least not a detailed one, is a most promising thing indeed.

Let’s take a look at the entire list exploring how to maintain self-fidelity along our life journey:

1. Understand the genesis of trends

Trends will forever be a part of our contemporary life. Humans want acceptance, and a trend indirectly or directly signals to others that we are ‘part of them’. That we are ‘safe’ so to speak. Sometimes, as we talk about in the seasonal shopping guides for fashion, a trend can go the distance and become a timeless piece if it suits our body type, integrates well in the wardrobe we already have and is part of your signature style. So we’re not bashing trends, but we need to be aware of why they occur, why people follow them and choose them for reasons that are true to us. Trends also drive sales and present something different, and if that something ‘different’ is presented by people or brands we aspire to being like or regard highly, that trend is going to entice us to be a part of it. The key is simply to apply awareness, self-awareness, to why we are drawn to something. To not react with fanatic approval, but rather reserved responsiveness that has involved thought and consideration.

2. Don’t let external details do the talking for you

From bumper stickers, brand labels on clothing or accessories, recognizable status items (decor, vehicle, etc) purchased primarily because of the recognizability to others, when we purchase these items, more often than not, we’re doing so to express something to the world that we don’t have to say verbally, or can’t say verbally. This passive communication is part of an insecure self quietly seeking attention (or not so quietly if the bumper sticker is quite aggressive, for example), or seeking approval from someone or somebodies so we can feel a part of something.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had and do have bumper stickers, but now mine express my love of music and the French culture. Sometimes our expressions placed on external items we own can help others feel less alone, but we can never be sure. If it is connection we are seeking, while we cannot control who we’ll meet, so long as we know we’re connecting with loving-kindness and integrity, we know we’ll be able to quickly discern kindred souls.

A quick way to confirm if we are buying something because it suits what we need or if we are buying it for the label and status is to assess what our needs are and whether it will contribute positively to our life. We can even do our homework a bit and search for comps to determine if the price we will have to pay for the status symbol is worth paying for if a similar design suits us just as well and is made of equivalent quality.

I recently did this with a handbag as I am in need of a larger everyday one and want to purchase a piece that will last and be versatile to my wardrobe options. While I still have yet to purchase, what I have discovered is that while I adore this one particular well-known brand, it actually didn’t suit my needs for ease of use, and a similarly designed, but lesser well-known brand did. Also, half the price. So I will be saving up, and soon will hopefully bring it into my everyday.

3. Let go of labels, yet hold on to your integrity

Whether it is our temperament style – introvert, extrovert, ambivert, or your sensitivity regarding your nervous system – high sensitive for example, or maybe even labels such as your horoscope sign, generation, or alma mater, when we lead with this, we set aside our self-fidelity. Now you may be saying, Quite the contrary Shannon. I am leading with who I am that is why I share the label. And I get that, but when we make that our primary identifier, that is all we become in some people’s eyes, and then unconsciously to ourselves. And in doing so, we will unknowingly miss out on opportunities that may have crossed our paths, but now either we won’t be considered for or we won’t consider because we have narrowed our belief in what we are capable of.

As someone who self-identifies as an introvert and most definitely as a HSP (highly sensitive person), how we honor what we know to be true about ourselves is by being present in each situation, paying attention to how we are feeling, where we feel energized and with whom. We then honor that, kindly, and clearly speak our needs aloud as necessary, and let each situation be fully what it can be. Being fully present is key, and when we lead with a label, we are bringing a slight distraction to the moment’s potential.

Sometimes we will see that we are far more capable than we realize, and in those moments on close examination we realize that there were other components that invited us to feel safe, at peace and thus enjoy ourselves. Other times, we will be spot on accurate with how we know we will feel, and that is our self-awareness helping us out and we honoring what we need.

4. Follow your curiosity

The simple definition of curiosity is that we don’t know what we will find, and that is both exciting and terrifying depending upon how comfortable we are with uncertainty. The more we follow our curiosity and discover its sagacity for our life journey, the easier it becomes to trust its nudges and niggles to go a certain way, or try a certain thing that we’ve never done before.

If we are following our curiosity, we are being faithful to our true self. Self-fidelity doesn’t tell us what we will find along our journey, but it assures us, it is prioritizing what will bring us to life.

5. Take your time when making purchases that will be with you for some time

From how you decorate your home, to the clothes you purchase, the trips you take, anything that will be with you for a good long time, take your time before you purchase. Each one of us will have a different length of time that ‘taking your time’ will constitute, but the reason for doing this is to make sure our decision is ours. Not guided by trying to impress others, not motivated to become someone or be seen as someone who we are not, not trying to live a life that we think we should be living.

When we know the decisions are ones that will elevate our daily life, and after the initial investment be something we are grateful we had the courage to invest in, then we know we’re making the decision from a place of self-fidelity.

6. Collect ideas that capture your eye, but then make it your own, not a carbon copy

There is a common saying that no art is ever truly, entirely original. In essence, artists, creatives are always inspired by something, notice something, experience something, read something that sparks an idea within them. They then take that idea and make it their own.

The key is making it our own and letting our inspiration remain as it was. When we imitate something or copy something we are lacking trust in ourselves to offer our ideas to the world. Creating art, as we talk about in Savoring the Sojourn, comes in endless forms and ways. In those terms, our entire life is art, a true original, and along the way we take inspiration, teachings and ideas from those who catch our eye, pique our curiosity and prompt further exploration.

Whatever you are inspired to do, honor the inspiration, extend gratitude, acknowledge and then set about putting yourself fully into whatever it is you are inspired to do. That is to live with self-fidelity.

7. Understand that “if you’re too certain of what’s far ahead, you are probably on someone else’s path”

Brianna Wiest’s words about certainty bring ease to those of us who wish we could know what will happen five, ten years, heck, one year down the road, but know that the beautiful truth is, nobody can. And if we say we can, we really aren’t living our life. Our life will have its own pace, its own wiggle lines, its own nonlinear path. And this simple test will ensure we are indeed remaining true to ourselves.

Let this truth bring you freedom. Let it help you drop your shoulders being held tensely close to your ears, and let it be a reminder that nobody, if they are being true to themselves, knows exactly how tomorrow will unfold, let alone five or ten years down the road. Our job, our privileged opportunity, is to live fully now by becoming clear about what lights us up and what speaks to us in ways we may not clearly understand in this moment, but stepping forward one step at a time all the while savoring where we are right now.

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A fancy term perhaps for a simple, fundamental piece of living a life of contentment – be true to you. Self-fidelity asks us to check with ourselves about our motivations in the decisions we make, the pursuits we have put ourselves upon and ask ourselves if we really need to be ‘shouting’ all the time about our life to the world. Maybe when we remember to live and savor the life we have right now, the shouting becomes less necessary and we discover how enjoyable our life is and can be with each day’s unfolding.

Petit Plaisir

~Receipts from a Bookshop: A Bookseller’s Year in an English Seaside Town by Katie Clapman