“In general, people who have more optimistic expectations about the possibility of forming a connection are more likely to overlook superficial differences, and wait to see if they feel the spark of connection. They tend to have more diverse relationships, while those with fixed assumptions tend to have more limited social circles. Our beliefs about social connection can become self-fulfilling prophecies.” —David Robson, author of The Laws of Connection: The Scientific Secrets of Building a Strong Social Network

The quality of our social connections determines not only our enjoyment of our everydays, whether we are at work or in our personal lives, it also affects our health and wellbeing. While this news will likely shock nobody, what might shock us are the ways we unconsciously or unknowingly partake in habits that obstruct the opportunity for healthier, and thus more enjoyable connections with others, of all stripes.

Based on cultural conditioning or insecurity within ourselves or what was modeled to us while growing up, we may have assumed there were certain ways to not only engage with the world, but what we should share and how much of our true feelings we should express about any given event in our lives. And so upon reading science writer David Robson’s latest book, and discovering various research that dispelled previously held approaches as being helpful as well examples of how and why certain approaches were helpful or unhelpful, I took note not only while acknowledging where I could grow and learn, but wanting to share with TSLL community. Why? While Robson shares 13 laws of connection, each are multi-faceted, so based on what is working well for us now or conversely what we are struggling with when it comes to connection, we need worry less on knowing what the ‘laws’ are and more about ourselves and where we would benefit from applying new knowledge and thus learning new skills in how to connect sincerely, well and consistently with others to build a social network that elevates not only our lives but those who are a part of our social network. A two way street, as they say, and sometimes we just didn’t yet know how to do that – to connect well, and that is where this book comes to provide the insights we can learn.

In today’s post I have pulled ten specific approaches and skills that caught my attention for cultivating and maintaining a wide breadth of relationships in our lives. Whether it is your colleagues, or romantic partner, child or parent, neighbor or friend, all of the skills below will enhance those relationships. However, there are many more skills shared throughout the book, so I encourage you to explore The Laws of Connection if you find this post/episode to be insightful.

Let’s get started.

1. The quality of the connection matters

“Ambivalent ties [commonly referred to in the book as ‘frenemies’] provoked a stronger reaction than the purely aversive people. Something about the uncertainty of the interaction made it much more stressful than meeting someone who was reliably unkind.” —David Robson in The Laws of Connection

The simple practice of awareness comes into play with this first skill because we will no doubt have many casual acquaintances throughout our daily lives. The question is, Are we showing up consistently in our connection with each one?

As the quote above reveals, perhaps surprisingly, our ambivalent connections cause us more unrest and increased stress than our known adversaries. Robson explains that ambivalence can appear in many forms such as “a lack of interest in your life rather than overt dis-respect, or a general unreliability that means [the person] is often unavailable when you expect them to be watching your back”. This could be the spouse that ‘love bombs’ you one day and then is fiercely critical the next. In other words, you never know which person you will meet from one day to the next, but they are a part of your life in some way – a boss, a colleague, a parent, a child – that leaves you in a difficult place to easily avoid them or let them go. The ambivalence makes it unclear as to what you should do as it isn’t made plain.

Robson goes on to explain that each ambivalent relationship will have its own best approach, and for some people that will involve cutting ties with them completely, but for others where you cannot cut ties or don’t necessarily want to entirely, simply acknowledging and knowing that it is an ambivalent relationship will help you mentally prepare for each encounter.

On the flip side, and to the point of what we can do to ensure we are not a person who is ambivalent to those we are connected with, is to consciously remember to be consistent in our behavior. In other words, stop being egocentric, become aware of the situation, mood, etc., and always engage from a place of being responsive rather than reactive, and loving and kind in our words and behaviors while pairing it with honoring our integrity.

Understanding the health detriments of an ambivalent relationship – cellular aging, extra strain on our heart that raises levels of bodily inflammation, just to name a few – can prompt us first of all to not be this person in others’ lives, but also to become more proactive in removing or ending those relationships that cause us to feel pained when we are in their presence. After all, we cannot change them, but we can change how and who we live with and around.

2. Ask more questions

“It’s easy to understand why questions are so charming: they demonstrate your wish to build mutual understanding and give you the chance to validate the other’s experiences.”

When we ask questions, and then follow up with questions demonstrating that we are listening, so long as we are being sincere, and dancing the fine-line of not being nosey (awareness is key here and respecting boundaries), we are gradually building trust with the speaker. Follow up questions have been proven to be the most positive for deepening a connection with others because we are coming from a place of being wholly present as we could not have prepared that folllow-up question in advance. This exhibits sincerity because we are expressing further curiosity in the person with whom we are conversing with.

3. The art of attention giving

“People are acutely aware of whether they are being listened to attentively, and their perception of receiving active attention from another predicts their feelings of trust towards that person, and contributes to the wellbeing boost that typically comes from strong social connections. The formula is simple: the more attentive we are to someone, the happier they feel.” —David Robson

Paired with asking questions is knowing the art of giving our full, and yep, undistracted attention. By avoiding ‘phubbing’ (aka known as phone snubbing, the act of checking our phone for notifications or reacting to ‘bings’ and alerts), and being distracted by the surroundings we find ourselves, we strengthen the connection. There is now doubt that the person who is speaking is aware of the noisy environment, the cars passing by, the household members in your house or pets in your care if they are calling you or talking to you, so when you give your full attention, their appreciation for your efforts strengthens the bond between you as you convey that you care enough to not be distracted when you easily could have been.

4. Avoid the Novelty Penalty, BUT Don’t forget this . . .

“Looking for shared interests or common experiences to discuss is much healthier, whether you are talking to new acquaintances or old friends . . . however; if a subject is central to your life and represents an important element of your personality, you need to find a way to express it — otherwise your shared reality with the other person will always have an important part missing.”

Yet again, awareness plays a powerful and necessary role when we are talking with others. First of all, we need to remember to not talk for too long about ourselves. This might seem a bit obvious, even if we know there are still people who forget this guiding principle, but here’s the follow-up, pay attention to who you are talking to (which is knowledge we gain from listening) and refrain from talking about an “esoteric subject to impress the other person”. Robson explains that it is far more helpful and healthy in building connections to “look for shared interests or common experiences . . . whether you are talking to new acquaintances or old friends.”

However, as the quote above cautions, we cannot completely ignore who we are as this prevents people from getting to know us more intimately – platonically or romantically. The type of relationship we have with the person will dictate if we share something that would normally be considered a ‘penalty’, and once we realize we need to start sharing who we are even if they haven’t partaken in or have a similar interest, “we must make sure that [we] provide enough details to avoid creating unnecessary informational gaps.” As far as knowing what those informational gaps are, making sure you aren’t patronizing them, first “think carefully about their baseline knowledge”, so bring awareness, and then if necessary ask them how familiar they are with the subject. Being transparent will help you gain the missing knowledge you need so you can get to know them better, and thus you can share a bit of yourself with them that would be helpful to connect with you better and also build a healthy bond.

5. Express appreciation and be kind

“Exchanging kind words not only motivates us to behave better; it also calms our stress responses, increases our resilience to change and reduces our risk of mental illness.”

We pair gratitude with kindness to ensure we don’t become ingratiating or flatterers, two ways of engaging that will surely be of no help in building strong relationships. Whether we are expressing or receiving appreciation, studies have shown that our body’s physiological stress response calms down. The gratitude need not be for something grand or obvious, but studies have shown it does need to be specific regarding the words we choose.

Robson shares that the best expression of gratitude includes expressing our observation of “their personal qualities that contributed to the act of generosity”. You can also include how their generosity benefited you, but studies have shown the former is the most welcomed.

6. Rethink the ‘feedback sandwich’ and instead just be truthful, yet thoughtful in your delivery

“In everyday language, we often confuse being honest with being ‘blunt’ — but when you are delivering truthful feedback, it’s more important than ever to talk with precision and nuance.” —David Robson

Lately have been hearing about the studies that have shown that Gen Z is on to the feedback sandwich is having nothing to do with it. In other words, the potentially false positives surrounding the criticism don’t land and are negated even if they are true because of the ‘practice’ of the sandwich.

In other words, let the ‘formula’ go, be brave and tell someone what they would benefit hearing, so long as it comes from a place of sincerity, is said with thoughtfulness and you are someone they will listen to. Be specific in any criticism you provide so that is can be utilized constructively for change that will benefit the person who you are talking with. At the heart of your choosing to tell them something that might be easy to hear, ask yourself, “Why should I be the person to deliver this information and why do I feel I should share this information?” In other words, what is my intention?

Here’s the other important detail to remember. Recall, before you provide your feedback, if you have ever offered praise, gratitude or congratulations to this person. If you haven’t, stop right now and do not give your feedback. You haven’t built the relationship with this person for them to trust what you have to say. In many ways, this is a delayed feedback sandwich, whose sole goal was to build trust before you give them the criticism. But if we expand this sandwich, our criticism can be trusted because the recipient will reflect back and recall if you’ve ever been able to see something positive in their life journey, choices or actions.

7. Embrace Confelicity

“‘Fellow rejoicing, not fellow suffering, makes the friend.'” —Friedrich Nietzsche

I always love learning about a new word, and confelicity is just such a word. The root of ‘con’ means together or with, and felicity as many know, means happiness or joy-filled, and so you likely have surmised that confelicity is “shared joy at another’s success or wellbeing”. Robson points out that opposingly, compassion is derived from Latin and means “shared suffering”. Which leads me to more new words that help to make the point of how important confelicity is to building strong (and healthy) relationships.

You may know the German word schadenfreude, is to take joy in in another’s misfortune, but did you know of this word’s ‘saintly sister’ as Robson describes it? Mitfreude? Mitfreude is the German word meaning ‘joying with’ which makes it synonymous with confelicity. Confelicity is “an essential means of providing and receiving social support.”

You may be questioning this truth because for so long we have been taught, or it has been modeled, to not speak well of ourselves as that is to gloat, to brag, etc., etc.. which means it is all the more important to know how to celebrate and share our successes. So how do we do this?

• Demonstrate authenticity of your feelings and your genuine desire to build social connection – so choose thoughtfully who you are going to share this news with.
• Let the people you have chosen know as soon as possible
• Be honest about the way you feel, but do not exaggerate your joy or make any kinds of claims that are unfounded
• Avoid overtly comparing yourself to anyone else
• Check your intention regarding why you want to share with others. If any of the following our your intentions, do not share:
  • to highlight your high social status
  • refusal to express any insight into your thoughts, feelings or dreams

One of the most assured ways to know if others will be willing to celebrate with us is if they know our journey to this point which means have we been able to put our ego aside and share setbacks and disappointments along the way? If others know our journey – some (they need not know all) of the ups and downs – they will be able to better able to understand why we are so elated which will build mutual understanding.

And so remember to celebrate with those you love when they experience success along their life journey. No matter where you are in your life journey, when you see they are doing well, check your reaction. If envy or jealous arises, remind yourself that is a reflection of something that needs to be addressed within you and should not prevent you from celebrating with them or offering them congratulations and a good cheer. Of course, how they celebrate, as was shared above, makes a difference in our willingness to partake, but this too provides awareness for us to utilize on both sides.

8. Co-reflect together rather than brood together

“It really is good to talk. But the healthiest conversations will help the person to move beyond their immediate pain, by encouraging greater wisdom and insight into their problems. And to do that, we need to engage in ‘co-reflection'”.

In episode #317 back in 2022 the topic centered around cultivating a life of vitality, and point #7 on that list underscored the importance of what we are talking about today in this point – rather than letting your conversation partner vent and fall further down the well of negativity when something unwanted has occurred in their life, find the balance between listening, but then offering distance from the scenario to think more objectively about other reasons for it happening rather than the worst case scenario. In other words, Robson shares, we actually do our friend or partner no favors by letting them continue down the road of venting as studies have proven that both participants in the conversation will feel unhappier in the long-run. Why? “Brooding conversations increase levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which could cause bodily harm if it spikes too frequently.”

Instead, choose to reflect with them, rather than to brood. So first, yes, let them share their feelings, but then “help the person to move beyond their immediate pain by encouraging greater wisdom and insight into their problems. Not because you have the answers to their problems, that would be patronizing, but by asking why questions (instead of what questions), “greater casual insight is immediately encouraged” which broadens the lens to more likely bring “greater meaning to what happened”. Studies demonstrated that those who were asked “why” questions were able to reach closure more quickly and put the unwanted feelings to rest (but not suppressing them).

9. How to provide helpful support during difficult situations

“We are so focused on validating people’s feelings and meeting their immediate emotional needs that we forget to encourage this perspective shift, or we may worry that our attempts to encourage reappraisal could appear to be dismissing others’ pain or discomfort.”

Every person will navigate differently through unwanted situations. It is not our job to tell them what they need. This will only strain the relationship and erode trust. What is important to keep at the forefront of our minds when we recognize that someone we care about is going through a difficult time prompted by any number of reasons is that their needs of how to navigate the situation are paramount to what we need. In other words, we may feel initially hurt that they aren’t opening up to us, but that again is a reflection of the healing we need to find for ourselves to be more self-secure when someone responds in a way that makes us uncomfortable.

Instead of feeling hurt when someone else is in pain and we try to offer support that is refused, extend awareness to them that you see they are hurting and offer you support, but do not force it upon them. For example, let them know that you are available should they need to call you, or for anything that you specifically want them to know you can provide, but do not force that ‘help’ upon them. You will build trust by respecting what they ask for because that validates their feelings “while providing an alternative perspective on their problem”. What the latter is referring to is our ability to keep an open mind that we don’t know exactly what they are going through, even if we think we’ve gone through the same thing (death of a loved one for example). By our stepping back and letting them come to us, we acknowledge there are other ways to respond, should an unwanted event can take place, and thus what the emotional response might be and how one wishes to navigate through it.

10. Be someone who apologies and apologies well

“Ensure your apologies define the offense, take responsibility for your actions, and express regret.”

I wanted to conclude with this skill, because it is a skill, and one we often don’t fully learn in order for it be helpful for strengthening or repairing a relationship. In Robson’s book he shares the detailed list of the elements of an ideal apology according to social psychologists and I would like to share that with you below:

• A clear statement framing the apology
• Acknowledgement of responsibility for the offense
• Identification of the offense
• A request for forgiveness
• An expression of regret or sadness
• An offer of repair
• An explanation for why the offense occurred
• A promise that it will not recur

This list follows what sadly is often common practice of those who don’t understand why their apology fell flat. When responsibility isn’t claimed by the party that caused the hurt and even why expressing the apology, it never feels like one, “I’m sorry if . . . ” is the perfect example. There is no contrition, acknowledgement of awareness or regret that you caused someone hurt.

But when we know why apologizing is helpful, then we can choose to learn how to do so well and not be afraid to apologize when either we realize we made a mistake or someone brings to our attention that we hurt them.

Here are the benefits: boosts people’s sense of their integrity, promotes greater self-compassion and allows the transgressor to feel more positive about their future behavior which promotes a stronger and healthier wellbeing long-term. And the most significant benefit is saving a relationship that we care about. It begins with being willing to be vulnerable to acknowledge we caused someone pain, and in doing this, we have done what is our responsibility to help heal the relationship.

I am not going to pretend that absorbing each of these detailed skills will happen immediately, but improvement always begins with awareness and knowledge of how to do something differently. When we start doing something differently, something different happens. Then, all it takes is regular practice. Robson compares the physical muscles of the heart to how we can improve in our ability to use these skills to improve our relationships and the quality of our lives, thus a more enjoyable and happy life. Keep trying, utilize the awareness you have to acknowledge where you can improve, and then try again. So long as your intention comes from a place of love, your efforts, even if dismissed, will not cause pain or erode trust. There may be a pause or a delay or you may realize for our own benefit who is best to have in your life, but rest assured, healthy connections are being developed and strengthened.

Thank you for interest in exploring this topic with me today, and may the holidays be filled with more joy, celebration and love than you might ever have imagined were possible. 🙂

Petit Plaisir

—Drops of God, season 1, AppleTV+

Unlike what the ominous music in the trailer portends, this new drama series is a fascinating and engaging story of a young woman who comes to recognize her own talents and direct in life after the passing of her estranged father who leaves his vast wine estate to the winner of an essentially a scavenger hunt he leaves in his will. Be sure to tune in to the end of today’s podcast episode to discover why after delaying watching this series, I finally sat down to watch it last month and thoroughly enjoyed it and think you will too.

Watch the trailer

~Explore all episodes of The Simple Sophisticate here.