“To be in charge, is first and foremost commitment to ourselves. It’s owning who we are. We own our imperfections; they become assets. We own our vulnerability; we turn it into strength. To be in charge really has to do with being in charge of yourself. Everything has to do with the relationship you have with yourself . . . any other relationship is a plus, not a must.” —Diane von Furstenberg, in an interview with Julia-Louise Dreyfus (2023)

Choosing Embracing the responsibility of owning our life, thus living our life fully, means taking the responsibility of being in charge, acknowledging where we can grow, but also living fully in the now. It can be daunting to take on this awesome responsibility, but by doing so we also open up the door to have the opportunity to honor what we unearth to be true for us uniquely. What we encounter when we cross this threshold will be full of amazing moments as well as moments undesirable, but we turn the latter into opportunities to discover, learn and grow, while also making sure savoring moments of exhilaration as an exercise in appreciating fully, yet not clinging or expecting.

Each of these practices are components of the modus operandi of someone who is the master of themselves. Knowledge of what these skills are do not happen by accident nor are they innate; we choose to learn them, strengthen them, and understand how they function and benefit our life to strengthen our peace within ourself and our relationships with others. They take time to learn because we have to practice them, and to practice them requires that we engage fully in the present moment where we cannot control everything, and if we try to wrangle control where it is not ours to seize, we realize we are working futility against the outcome we have set out to attain.

1. Exhibiting a healthy authenticity

“Healthy authenticity does not mean spontaneously giving in to your darkest impulses. Healthy authenticity does not mean fiercely protecting your values like you’re defending a fort (that’s just stubborn and inflexible). These are all common misconceptions of what healthy authenticity entails . . . Instead, healthy authenticity, of the sort that helps you become a whole person, involves understanding, accepting, and taking responsibility for your whole self as a route to personal growth and meaningful relationships.”—Scott Berry Kauffman, Transcend

When you embody healthy authenticity, you have a growth mindset, welcome curiosity to be your guide as you know it is the path to discovery. You also have self-awareness which involves humility as well as invites clarity as you exercise critical thinking, making decisions after knowing how to gather all the necessary information and not be lead astray by the persuasive means of others. As well, you take responsibility for your life, understanding that true freedom involves a quiet confidence within yourself, but also requires the skills to remain inter-connected healthily with others. All together, this is a practice ongoing of living by the guiding principles of contentment – with loving-kindness and integrity.

“The main components of healthy authenticity are self-awareness, self-honesty, integrity, and authentic relationships.” —Scott Berry Kauffman

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2. Practice and understand healthy attachment style

“Mature love is union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity, one’s individuality . . . In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two.” —Erich Fromm, from the book The Art of Loving

As DVF shared at the top of the post, when we take charge of our life, that is when the doors of life open. We don’t know what doors because we cannot control that directly or with expectations. Instead we live fully who we are, growing and knowing our true self as we do. And because we trust the ebbs and flows, being fully present through them all, listening to ourselves and knowing the voice within us which means understanding our mind and emotions, we are eager and exhilarated to live life, not timid, scared or anxious. The unknown is a gift to explore, not something to be sidestepped or withdraw from.

It is this exhilaration for life that we meet similar people who are likewise masters of themselves or becoming masters and understand as well as have a sincere desire to live fully – connect healthily and with whole love while also taking full responsibility for their individuality and growth. We end up meeting people – romantic (and platonic as well) who, as Berry Kauffman shares we have “a renewed sense of awe and wonderful for”.

“The clearest way this paradox is resolved in whole love is by acknowledging that both partners can be interested in helping each other grow in their own direction. As Maslow notes, this requires not needing each other: ‘They can be extremely close together and yet go apart when necessary without collapsing. They do not cling to each other or have hooks or anchors of any kind . . . Throughout the most intense and ecstatic love affairs, these people remain themselves and remain ultimately master son themselves as well, living by their own standards even though enjoying each other intensely.'” —Scott Berry Kauffman, Transcend

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3. Living, investing and trusting in your dharma

“I’ve seen over and over again the power of human intelligence when it is completely absorbed in a personally meaningful activity that matches one’s own unique potentialities and engages both our rational facilities as well as the depths of our experience.” —Scott Berry Kauffman, friend and student of Abraham Maslow, found in the book Transcend

We talk about dharma a lot here on TSLL, but it cannot be underscored, highlighted, repeated enough – find your dharma, you find your way to inner peace, steady emotional traveling through everyday no matter the ups and downs, and the good news is there will end up being more ups.

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4. A sound cognitive exploration, regularly exercised

“A key factor that allows us to turn adversity into advantage is the extent to which we fully explore our thoughts and feelings surrounding the event.” —Scott Berry Kauffman

Cognitive exploration is defined as “a general curiosity about information and a tendency toward complexity and flexibility in information processing”. When events occur that we don’t understand or have never happened before, instead of freezing or retreating in fear or worry, a well toned cognitive exploration “enables us to be curious about confusing stations, increasing the likelihood that we will find a new meaning in the seemingly incomprehensible.” We must become brave enough to “approach the discomfort head on, viewing everything as fodder for growth.” The skill of critical thinking is crucial, and I breakdown and teach in detail exactly how to do it in TSLL’s Contentment Masterclass.

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5. Understanding that happiness need not be pursued to be experienced, but instead is a byproduct of discovering and actively living your purpose

“The importance of having a clear image of our possible self cannot be overstated . . . therefore, the wisest path in life is to deliberately commit to a goal that is expressed in your vision of your future self and is highly integrated with your other strivings.” —Scott Berry Kauffman

What is meant by strivings? They are both concrete and conceptual, and they each need to ultimately support your intention of how you want to live and where you want to go, each of them helping you to become a better person. Concrete might look like the habits you want to engage in each day to care for your health and strengthen your skills; whereas the more abstract strivings will be a desired level of proficiency in your career or leaving a particular legacy that benefits others.

“Happiness is an epiphenomenon, a by-product, something not to be sought directly but an indirect reward for virtue . . . The only happy people I know are the ones who are working well t something they consider important.” —Abraham Maslow

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The underlying paradox of mastering ourselves is that it requires that we step outside of our comfort zone regularly – being a novice. We can only grow, discover and come to realize what we can uniquely do, what is possible, what sits dormant yet waits to be awakened with the tickle of something we haven’t done before, if we do, see, or experience something new. And one of the most mindful ways of doing this is to choose to stretch, not be forced to stretch. To take the chances, to follow where our curiosity leads us, where our heart longs to take us and hold our mind open to see what unfolds.

The key here is balance – a balance between stretching and nurturing. Nurturing in the form of having rituals and routines that support our life purpose and intended direction, a sanctuary where we are in our comfort zone to be rejuvenated and rest fully, loving and healthy connections in all forms, and that includes with ourself. When we know ourself, but hold our heart open to discover, we are exercising a quiet confidence. This confidence brings us peace as we travel, engage and explore outside of our comfort zone. This confidence is something only we can give to ourselves.

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~Explore the content and what you will learn in TSLL’s Contentment Masterclass here.

A recent review of the course: from Carrie, 7/23/25
“When I began the course, it was my intention to take my time and enjoy each lesson.  And, that I did.  I did not intend for it to take a year, but life got in the way at times.  During this year, I was able to incorporate the skills I learned in my daily life and gain greater perspective on what I want from life…a life of true contentment.   I learned much about myself. It was a reminder that at age 59, I’m still a work in progress! 😊 I found the course to be organized in a thoughtful and cohesive manner.  The essence of scaffolded instruction.  Your presentation was excellent.  I utilized many of the additional resources you provided.  I will be recommending it to my friends.”

~Read all of the review here.