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“Your true self keeps pushing for your expansion, as if your self-actualization were the most important thing on earth. To this end, it asks for your acceptance of its guidance and legitimate desires.” —Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal
Our uniqueness. Our gifts. Our strengths. The components of what will make up our journey that sets us free to experience peace, discover our contribution, thus realizing fulfillment.
Recall a time when at the end of a task, whatever that task was, without any applause or perhaps without any physical presence of others, you felt exhilarated. A natural high coursed through your veins, and even though exhausted, you were smiling.
Now recall a time when an idea came to your mind, inspired by something you saw having never witnessed before. Without commentary from others, you instantly were moved, inspired to do or create or engage in a way prior to that moment that you hadn’t entertained doing. After pondering, no rash decisions but rather consideration, you decided how to dance with the inspiration you were given. You reached out and inquired about various details to help bring your idea to life. Now, upon reflection, you realize the congruence that occurred, whether it was ‘yes’ from those you would work with, or moments of alignment, wasn’t by chance or accident. They could have easily been ‘no’s or obstinate roadblocks as many other ‘ideas’ you have tried have encountered, but in this instance, the right ‘yes’s came through to allow for your creation, your idea, your direction to proceed and come to fruition.
We cannot know it in the moment when we are in the middle of asking for what we want, but we will never know for sure unless we ask, whether or not something is meant to work out. The working out, so long as our inquiry comes from a place of integrity (meaning, from our heart, our sincere passion, instead of cultural influences or pressures), reflects that we’ve aligned with our true self. We are listening and trusting the way it is pointing us to travel. What to try, what to explore.
The true self as psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson defines it is “an extremely accurate, self-informing neurological feedback system that points each individual toward optimal energy and functioning.”
Whichever term we give our true self, perhaps we call it our inner compass, give the credit to a spiritual entity, call it intuition, or true North, maybe real self or core self as Diana Fosha wrote about in her book The Transforming Power of Affect: A Model for Accelerated Change, whatever term we choose, they are all the same thing: “the consciousness that speaks the truth at the center of a person’s being”.
In this way of our asking, trying, and discovering whether or not we are able to proceed as we had imagined, our true self performs the task that only it can do, to be our “guidance system to tell us when we’re in alignment with a life path that fits us well.”
Upon reflection of my own life, I see numerous instances where no matter how persistent and determined I tried something, “it’s not working out” was simply my truest self guiding me away from a journey that would be full of unwanted (and unnecessary) pain and instead toward the path where I would discover my dharma. The direction I thought I was supposed to travel was not where I would be able to let my true self shine. At the time, it was heartbreaking as again and again, frustration, tears and verbally voiced questions of “Why doesn’t it work out for me?” were exclaimed to no one in particular. But as I started to follow my curiosity (aka my inner compass), even though nobody at the time seemed to be receiving the same ‘messages’ from their curiosity, things would work out. Doors would open. People said yes, and that was when I began to trust that my true self was very wise indeed. The heartbreak, the confusion was an act of redirection, and thankfully I listened, adjusted my sails and persisted.
How does our True Self communicate with us?
Genuine Needs
What nourishes each of us is a book of truth that is our guidebook for living well. As we have shared multiple times here on TSLL, each of TSLL’s books as well as the Contentment Masterclass, self-knowledge, doing the homework of ourselves, takes place at the beginning of the journey of figuring out what brings us to life. From understanding our temperament – introvert, extrovert or ambivert; highly sensitive or low sensitivity, in other words how do we respond to stimuli and what energizes us, this knowledge is amazingly powerful is helping us make decisions that honor our needs even if nobody else lives similarly or understands why.
Once we understand our language, are aware of our body and how it responds to external environments, we know our needs. With the knowledge of why we have responded as we have to certain environments (understanding how the nervous system works), we can know with clarity our needs and what needs to heal. That is one way our true self communicates with us.
By choosing to listen and then take constructive action to honor our needs, we step in alignment with our true self.
Genuine Desires
Having desires is constructive in so much as when we understand where the desire is coming from, we can then know whether to trust that it will be nourishing or destructive. In April 2025’s A Cuppa Moments with TOP Tier Members, I shared in detail how there are different variations of desires, and how knowing the difference is crucial when it comes to trusting that it is okay to ‘indulge’, to say ‘yes’ to certain desires, but to dismiss others and recognize the healing that we need to tend to. To dismiss this difference prevent ourselves from doing unnecessary harm, eliminate unnecessary set-ups and provide us an opportunity to become ever wiser about ourselves.
When our desires are genuine, and come from a place to stretch us, that will simultaneously nourish us once we fully step into embracing the desire, that is our true self communicating with us.
Emotional Symptoms of distress
Emotional symptoms serve as an urgent call to action, begging us to pay attention when we are not honoring our true self and prompting us to take better care of ourselves. The emotional symptoms, however, are often misinterpreted. Sometimes, we shrink our lives instead, or stay where we are, but go at a slower pace, instead of changing directions completely, or changing a necessary component permanently.
“Your true self wants you to have the peace of living in accordance with reality. The trick is to recognize these signs of distress for the lifesavers that they are.”
From burn-out to breakdowns, even depression and panic, these are all emotional symptoms signaling that we are not in alignment with our true self. Lindsay Gibson shares that it’s not the self that is breaking down, “but what’s typically happening is that our struggle to deny our emotional truth is breaking down. Emotional distress is a signal that it’s getting harder to remain emotionally unconscious.”
In other words, our true self is screaming at us to get our attention, telling us that the life we are living, how we are living, something or everything, is not congruent with all that we are capable of. And if we keep living in this way, we will not find fulfillment, true peace and most definitely not live a life of contentment. However, this is not doom-and-gloom. This is the most wonderful news in the world to receive because “it means we’re about to discover our true selves underneath all of that story business.” The ‘story business’ being the false self we have tried to convince ourselves that we are in order to be try to be accepted, tried to receive love from others, when in reality, is it real love if we cannot be ourselves? And do we really want acceptance from people who aren’t comfortable with our breadth of gifts? No, we don’t. And so, we are at the beginning of setting ourselves free.
Growth is about to begin. We don’t have an illness. We have a powerful message we need to heed. The former can only happen if we recognize these symptoms for what they are, and the latter will persist if we ignore the valuable truth our true self is trying to bring to our attention.
Anger
While anger stems from feeling pain, feeling wronged, feeling misunderstood, it is important to know how to constructively handle our anger. And importantly, we need to know that our anger is valid. We are feeling angry because something is out of alignment, and our true self is trying to bring our attention to this truth.
Anger rising to the surface “indicates that the true self is coming to the fore and [we’re] beginning to care about [ourselves].”
As will be shared below, the skill of understanding our emotions is crucial. With that said, what will help isn’t necessarily telling a person or entity/institution/etc. that we are angry and why, because if this anger has been repeatedly felt and brought to their attention in previous instances and still nothing has changed, doing so again won’t be helpful. What IS important is to understand and honor what we really feel. To not ignore it or dismiss it it.
Then, “simply [by] admitting our true feelings and stating them out loud [to ourselves or a trusting person], we can make a huge difference in gaining emotional peace.” It is this clarity that brings our attention to what we need to feel nourished and then be motivated to change whatever needs our attention without guilt or shame.
The Skills We Need to Understand the True Self
Awareness
The self-aware individual will be able to investigate their emotional experience of burn-out, of the breakdown, maybe being wise enough to seek out therapy to ensure they understand what their true self is trying to say. The self-aware person responds in one or all of these ways all the while knowing themselves enough to know, this is a sign to realign. Their true self is speaking, and they need to listen. The reason for seeking out a therapist may be to ask for help as the change they need to make may be difficult if it involves others or is complex or nuanced.
The skill of awareness is imperative, Gibson explains, as the psychologically unaware person isn’t likely to change much after an emotional upheaval. Contrarily, those who possessed the skill of awareness, something we all can learn, but it is a skill we have to choose to learn, “take periods of distress as opportunities to learn about themselves, meeting challenging emotional conditions with curiosity and a desire to learn from them.”
When we apply the skill of awareness, we build confidence, thus become more competent and autonomous (freedom!), having the ability to speak up for our needs and make decisions that are nourishing.
While undesirable feelings and moments of distress are inevitable, self-awareness and the cycle of personal growth enable one to observe discomfort, analyze its origins, and proactively seek solutions instead of yielding to despair.
Knowledge of the Nervous System
I know I have been writing quite a bit recently about the nervous system (explore the 7-part series where it was taught in part four here), and it is with good reason because it plays a powerful role in how we respond to unwanted moments that arise. When we understand the three tiers of the polyvagal system, we can recognize that regressing to defensive behavior or shutting down completely is a sign that we feel threatened. It doesn’t however mean that there isn’t value to be found in this moment. The value is trying to understand what the true self is wanting us to realize – encouragement to change.
What the healthy, self-knowledgeable person will do in these unwanted moments is self-reflect, “even if this entails painful self-doubt.” Gibson goes on to explain, that while it may not be enjoyable in the moment to examine the root of the unwanted situation, that discomfort, even potentially painful experience, is temporary if we are looking at it through the lens of realization that our true self is trying to tell us something helpful. These “deep questions ultimately yields a stronger, more adaptive personality.”
To heal, we must fully feel our emotions. Initially, it is understandable why we would prefer to engage with the welcomed emotions – happiness, elation, relief and delight, for example, but the unwanted emotions are just as helpful to living our lives well. Through the mindfulness practice of meditation, we give ourselves the ability to observe our feelings from a distance without feeling subjected to their erratic, and in the case we’re speaking of here, painful arrival. We simply witness but don’t ignore. We explore and then decide with composure how to constructively engage. This process allows us to make better choices about our life, our relationships, and how we live. Ultimately, this frees our true self to be expressed.
The key truth to remember is that the emotion is arising for a reason. It may be to alert us to something we need to be wary of outside of us, or it may be a reminder that we haven’t healed a part of ourselves that needs to be healed so that we can grow keeping the past in the past and no longer letting it influence unhelpfully our present and thus our future.
The refreshing truth about our true self is that it will find ways to express itself. We just have to pay attention, stop ignoring it, and start responding to the guidance it is giving us. It is trying to help us out. We each have strengths within us that we were born with. We may have unconsciously dabbled in something that brought them to our attention momentarily, but we squashed or ignored it because it didn’t make sense to others or wasn’t approved. Our true self is a constant ally, encouraging us to awaken to the gifts we possess. As we find the courage to bring them to light, we will not only enrich the world but also cultivate our own inner peace, health, and profound well-being.
~Explore how to bring all of these skills together to live your unique life of true contentment, your simply luxurious life as you find your dharma when you enroll in TSLL’s Contentment Masterclass. Learn more about the course here.
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