“Anchors are essential to staying safe in response to changing conditions . . . when we are anchored, we have a sense of being safely held so we can venture out without becoming adrift. We are connected to a state of regulation and have room to explore the world around us.” —Dana Deb, LCSW, author of Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory

An anchor’s purpose: to permit freedom while in the middle of constantly changing weather and waves.

While it must be acknowledged that anchoring doesn’t guarantee all will be forever and always secure and safe. After all, a storm’s arrival can still bring destructive waves; however, that is also the benefit of an anchor — we can pull it up and move to somewhere that is out of the jet stream of the storm.

Now, let’s take that analogy and apply it to how and what is the anchor of living a life of contentment each day of our lives. Yes, it is absolutely possible to reside in contentment everyday no matter what is going on around us. No, we cannot purchase or cross our fingers or do any other passive activity to attain the ability to anchor our life in contentment just because we want it. Each one of us must consciously choose, thereby meaning, come to understand and then learn, followed by apply how to anchor our lives so that we can reside in a state of inner calm. And it will be a unique anchor for each of us because we have each had, and will have and are having, unique life journeys.

So much of how we go through our days is automated regarding how our body functions, moves, thinks and responds. In many ways, this is very helpful as it frees up the mind to focus on new and unique, or one-off situations; however, without realizing what is automated, we fall into unhelpful ways of approaching life, reacting unconstructively and thus remaining unfulfilled and unsatisfied.

Without the knowledge of how the nervous system works, how the autonomic nervous system works (but as Deb Dana points out, it can also be called the ‘automatic’ nervous system), we begin to trust reactions from that system that aren’t necessarily signals we should trust if we are trying to live a life of contentment. However, due to our life experiences, our nervous system, is simply doing what it has learned. And so when our life is not unfolding as we would like, or we keep making the same decisions based on ‘trusting our intuition’ or inner compass, but it doesn’t lead us anywhere different, nor anywhere we had hoped we’d arrive, we begin to feel frustrated.

I would like to share with you the keys to unlocking the door to release that frustration. It all lies in knowing how the autonomic nervous system works and the hierarchy of that system.

Understanding the Basics of the Nervous System

What I am going to share with you today is physiological. In many ways it is a manual – a “How and Why You Respond to the World the Way You Uniquely Do” guide.

Within each of us is a nervous system. We all have one. Which means we also each have a Vagus nerve, something we talked about in this episode/post #336 when we talked about how to nourish our brain. The Vagus nerve runs throughout our entire body – from the top of our head to our toes and down through to the tips of our fingertips. The Vagus nerve is central to the polyvagal nervous system.

When we understand how the Polyvagal nervous system works, it is akin to finding the keys to every single room in the house – including the attic, the basement, the garage, our primary bedroom, the garden shed, you get the idea.

Today’s post is an introduction, but hopefully enough of an introduction to help you realize how vital understanding the nervous system is to living the life of your dreams. Let’s start learning about this universal system that based on each of our life journeys up until this point is unique in its responses for each of us.

Three levels create the hierarchy in our nervous system – the polyvagal system. Each built on top of each other regarding which came first and why.

First, the Dorsal Vagal came to be part of our body and being. Then about 100 million years later, the Sympathetic system, followed 200 million short years later by the Ventral Vagal system. Within the book Anchored, Dana breaks each of these down in detail. For our purposes today, let me introduce each of these systems to you and also share what it feels like when we are residing (and being influenced) in each one. To dive more deeply into them, be sure to pick up the book.

To begin with, at any given time, you will be in only one system at a time. And there is a preferred system to reside within in order to live a life of Contentment. However, nobody, even Deb Dana herself, will be able to 100% always reside in the preferred system. But, with the knowledge she provides of each system, we can, with the skills of mindfulness and thus awareness, notice when we are in one of the two systems that aren’t helpful, what she calls regulating, and bring ourselves back to the preferred system. This is possible for each of us. We each can adjust where we find ourselves, just as we can change our brain to create new neuron connections. When we start to notice where we find ourselves in any given moment, we then begin to have the ability to change unhelpful patterns, decisions and behaviors and choose nourishing and life elevating ones.

The first system we’re going to talk about is the objective – where we want to reside and return to when we realize we are not in the system we will thrive in:

• the Ventral Vagal system
  • system of connection
    • This part of the nervous system is where we are able to be grounded in contentment, at ease, feeling at peace, communicate non-violently, and engage fully with life and the present moment.
    • We are able to go with the flow, accepting that uncertainty is a constant in life; we are secure within ourself, and confident that being loving and kind is the most productive and constructive way to engage while also knowing how to clearly honor our integrity peacefully.

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• the Sympathetic system
  • system of action
    • the action in this state is not constructive, but rather fear based and from a place of distrust
      • chaotic, reactive energy
      • ready to defend from attack with aggression (physical or verbal)
      • fleeing or flight from scary situation is the modus operandi (escape)
      • anxiety and anger are the primarily feelings

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• the Dorsal Vagal system
  • system of shutdown
    • a paralyzation presenting as apathetic, void of energy
    • hopelessness
    • robotic and merely going through the motions without any investment of heart or passion
    • giving up

What Happens When We Are Unanchored

Anytime we find ourselves not in the Ventral Vagal system, we are unanchored. Put simply, if you feel any of the above feelings or observe any of the above actions or non-actions listed under the Sympathetic or Dorsal Vagal system, you are unanchored.

When life becomes overwhelming, challenges seem never-ending, this is when our nervous system will begin to revert to its original biological design, often working its way down the hierarchical ladder – first stepping down to the sympathetic system which means we will attack or become angry rather than calmly assess, or we will flee the situation trying to avoid it through taking unhelpful action. Then, if the challenges persist because our behavior didn’t help to alleviate them, we may even regress to the Dorsal Vagal system which would involve completely disconnecting and shutting down, not even trying to fix the problem and letting ourselves become buried.

Our biology is wired to find safety, and when we feel we are thrown out of safety and are being threatened, our system reacts. If we are unaware of how it works, we trust our ‘intuition’ that is telling us to fight or flee or shut down in order to protect ourselves. This will not lead to a life of well-being.

The ability to achieve a state of well-being if we are constantly fleeing, ignoring, or fighting is impossible, which is why being able to regulate, by first noticing when we have slipped into one of the first two systems is key to being able to bring ourselves back to residing in the Ventral Vagal system.

But first, we have to do some self-studying. Yep, homework is a must in order to heal our past experiences that have caused our reactions to be what they have been. Because, and this is where is important to be give yourself compassion and extend kindness, you have been reacting this way for a reason – to protect yourself, to find safety, to retain connection. What our goal is now, through gaining this knowledge, is to validate why your system reacts the way it does and to help it trust through making different choices that will cultivate a different environment so you can feel safe and you can connect with others to establish healthy relationships and build trust.

How to Return to Calm

Understanding and then befriending our nervous system is the step forward to finding calm and being grounded in Contentment.

Now that we know the hierarchy of the polyvagal system, let’s talk about the elements of well-being:

• Context
  • This is where our self-knowledge, and yep, a little homework needs to happen. The beginning of healing starts with “gathering information about how, what, and why in order to understand, and respond to, experiences. How we respond to moments in the present are unconsciously, until we bring our awareness to it, based on past experiences. If the past experience was a negative one, our system is likely to urge us to make a decision to protect ourselves regardless of all of the context that is new in this present moment.
  • Understanding how our past has been getting in the way of changing our present for the better is crucial for helping us heal, making different decisions and not jumping to unhelpful (i.e. negative or cynical) conclusions.
• Choice
  • I like to look at this component as ‘freedom’. When we know we are free to choose as we prefer, no matter what that choice is, in other words, we don’t feel trapped, limited or fear-mongered into doing something we have to do even if it is not in our best interest, then we remain in the Ventral Vagal system. We are calm, we are at peace. As soon as choice is taken away, or we feel it is taken away, we revert to the Sympathetic or Dorsal Vagal to try to keep our freedom that we feel is threatened.
  • Knowing we have options creates a feeling of safety and the ability to regulate our nervous system.
• Connection
  • The ability to connection in the four domains:
    • connection with self
    • connection with other people (and pets)
    • connection to nature and the world around us
    • connection to spirit
  • When we feel connection, we feel safe wherever we are because we feel a sense of home and at harmony with life – seen, loved and have a trust in our journey.
  • Dana shares that when our connection is challenged, this is often why we “turn to communication and social engagement to try to find our way back into connection. When there is an ongoing disruption of connection, we often reach out in desperation before retreating into despair.”
  • All four of the domains nourish us, and if we feel cut off from any one of them, as we have found the connection to be nourishing, our system may revert to Sympathetic or Dorsal Vagal. However, with this knowledge, we can understand (through context) why we feel this way and now better, more healthily, heal ourselves, regulate ourselves as Dana describes it, and bring ourselves back to a calm state without regressing further through seeking out unhealthy connections.

As Dana explains, “when these three elements are present, we more easily find the way to regulation. When any one of these elements is missing, we feel off balance and experience a sense of unease.”

The Skills Needed to Regulate Our Nervous System into Well-Being

Self-awareness

With awareness, we begin to see with honesty and gain clarity about where/what the root of our decisions came from in the past. When we recognize patterns, for example, “that are driven by mobilization (Sympathetic) and disconnection (Dorsal vagal), notice the patterns that are draining, and work to reduce or resolve them”, then we begin to heal, and strengthen our ability to regulate.

Equally important is to “recognize patterns that are nourishing and find ways to replicate, deepen and experience more of them.” By using the tool of awareness, first we are able to accurately assess which patterns are nourishing and which are not, AND THEN, we must begin to choose more nourishing patterns and let go of the draining patterns. It all begins with self-awareness, but then we need to follow through and make different decisions.

Let’s go even further into this. I found this continuum shared by Dana helpful (shown below), and perhaps you will as well. A life of contentment is a life full of curiosity and engaging with a growth mindset. What that means for each of us, again, is unique to each individual. While we want to nourish ourselves, practice self-care regularly and permit, even encourage, ourselves to just be, we also want to stretch, grow and evolve into our fullest potential. How we do that is being honest with ourselves and being self-aware.

The continuum shown below, created by Deb Dana very clearly shares when we are in Ventral space, and when we have slipped into the Sympathetic and Dorsal space. The dividing line between Savor and Stress is the crossover point. Whenever we notice we are stressed, before we slip any further, we need to regulate and bring ourselves back to savoring in order to be able to stretch as necessary to continue to grow.

Dana recommends coming up with our own terms for each of the four stages below, any terminology that clearly alerts you to where you are in your daily life and what and how to maintain well-being. Personally, I like the ‘Savor’ section as it defines what we do when we are living simply luxuriously. These are moments when we are luxuriating in our everyday ‘sides’ that we talked about last week in part three. ‘Stretching’ for me would be called the “Classroom” because it is where I am learning new skills, growing, and know that whatever is challenging me, often something I have chosen (reading a new book such as Anchored, taking French language classes, traveling and seeing a new part of the world or part of France or Britain I have never been, engaging in a vigorous exercise regimen, etc), is beneficial to my well-being.

On the flip-side, ‘Stress’ may be labeled ‘No Social Time/No Me-Time/No Connection’. If I have no time in my schedule for play/fun/connection beyond have-tos, then that is a warning to myself to set boundaries, revamp my schedule, etc.. And the worst state, ‘Survive’ might be best labeled in as ‘Doomsday Thinking’ – where catastrophizing is happening whenever I think about anything. In other words, choose words that for you clearly signal that you need to regulate, catch yourself and bring yourself back, doing whatever nourishing thing you need to do, to bring yourself back to the Ventral side of the continuum.

The Benefits of Being Anchored

Solitude becomes nourishing

“With strong roots in togetherness (i.e. a feeling of connection), we can be solitary rather than lonely when we are alone.”

The beautiful part of Contentment is that it is full of paradoxes, and one paradox (another will be shared further down on this list) is that when we feel connection, it becomes absolutely possible, dare I say easy, to enjoy your own company.

In my own experience, as I reflect on my childhood, I preferred and always savored immensely my time in alone. Unconsciously at that point in my life I didn’t understand why, but now I can clearly identify the reason: I had healthy connections with people (family, friends, community, teachers, etc.), I had oodles of connections with my animals (dogs, cats, horses, donkeys, sheep, you name it!), I lived out in the country and would wander about at will whenever I wanted, and I was free to explore my own mind and ideas of spirituality and didn’t feel forced to adopt any one ‘belief’. This enabled me, freed me, to be completely at peace in my own company and cultivate a trust with myself.

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Compassion for ourselves and others becomes automatic

Something that we will talk about in-depth this coming Wednesday in episode #410 of the podcast is what true compassion is and how to make it our default. It is only when we are able to regulate our system, when we find ourselves residing in the Ventral Vagal system that we are able to be compassionate.

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Days are awe-filled

The contentment we have cultivated as we regulate because we now understand our nervous system will fill us with curiosity, with wonder, and opening us in great awareness that deepens our appreciation. This happens in our everydays, our middle-of-the-work-week days.

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A feeling of interconnectedness to other sentient beings

From people, to animals, to all that Mother Nature embodies, the planet earth itself, we see beyond ourself, as we feel secure in our being, our life journey and feel safe to connect with loving-kindness with all that we meet.

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A desire to explore the world

Paradoxically, the more anchored we feel, the more inspired we are to go and explore where our curiosity is pulling us to see with our own eyes.

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An increased interest to help others

When we feel secure and safe in our own life, when a feeling of well-being is our modus operandi (something we’ll talk a bit more about below, then we have more to give to others. We know we can give without over-extending ourselves because we know how to regulate our nervous system. We know how to monitor and assess when we have given to much and are strong enough to adjust before we feel resentment. We have the communication skills and the self-agency to honor our needs so that we know how much we can give to others.

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Physical health improves, a reduction of inflammation in the body

Throughout many past posts and episodes here on TSLL, we’ve talked about how stress, specifically chronic stress, which also involves knowledge of how our mind works (taught in detail in TSLL’s Contentment Masterclass), can affect our physical health. And as the nervous system and the mind are connected, communicating with each other, when we know how to regulate one (the nervous system as we are discussing today) and pair it with knowledge of how the mind works (see these posts/episodes – #327, this post, and #20), we begin to give the body the medicine it needs to reduce cortisol and begin to heal.

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A deeper understanding of others

While we will talk about this more fully in episode #410 when we talk about true compassion, when we learn about how the nervous system behaves the way it does, we are better able to understand why others react the way they do, especially if it is an unwanted, hurtful or unloving action. It doesn’t mean we permit or allow such behavior nor that we can change them, but it gives us understanding of why they might be standing in the way of experiencing their own happiness. We cannot heal someone else, but we can be empathetic, and not take personally or choose to remain in a harmful, unloving situation. In this knowledge, we give ourselves freedom, literally, but also from the burden of guilt, shame and remaining in a life that limits us from fulfilling our true potential.

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A greater sense of well-being

I’d like to conclude with this final benefit because it circles back to the three elements of what well-being is – context: we know why we are doing what we are doing and we are at peace being brave, being loving and kind in our choices, no longer reacting in fear; choice: we feel and know we have choice and we are strong enough to exercise it to make the best choices for our life journey; connection: we feel and consciously maintain a nourished connection with each of the four domains that align with our inner compass – with ourself, with others (including pets), with nature and with our spirituality that guides us as we have chosen is best.

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The beautiful part about knowing our nervous system is feeling more in control of our life. When we know, we understand and can then make decisions from a position of clarity, rather than hoping that it works out and not really understanding if it does or doesn’t. Case in point on a more literal – DIY Home Project level: As I was attempting to fix my dishwasher this past week, I was reminded of how just hoping the dishwasher would work again the second, third or fourth time I tried it without doing any investigative work as to what might be wrong and how to fix it is equivalent to becoming frustrated with how our life in any particular area is going, waking up the next day and saying, “It will go better today” but not applying different strategies let alone strategies that have proven themselves to be helpful.

When we don’t know, we do ourselves a disservice.

So, I took the advice of gathering knowledge before trying the dishwasher again. Looked up a trusted source on YouTube that had my exact dishwasher model, listened carefully, watched closely, and followed the steps shown, doing something I had never done before. I located my drain pump, cleaned it out, put everything back together and ran a wash cycle. And guess what? It worked beautifully. The difference in experiencing a different outcome, the outcome I longed for, but didn’t previously know how to reach resided in gaining new knowledge about how the system worked, literally.

Your nervous system is not an apparition of nebulous ambiguity that changes with the wind. It is concrete in its structure and in how it functions and why it functions the way it does. Now, what each of us needs to do is simply be brave enough to be honest about why we react the way we do if that reaction has not been helpful or nourishing in the past. Once we do our part, following the steps above paired with a close reading of Deb Dana’s book, our system can work for us in the most wonderful of life elevating ways.

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As I mentioned at the top of this post, if today’s topic spoke to you, sparked curiosity in you, I encourage you to pick up the book. I have barely scratched the surface. In fact, in Wednesday’s Part Five and next Monday’s Part Six, more of what she teaches in the book will be shared, each exploring two specific benefits of mastering the knowledge of how to regulate our nervous system to hold us in a state of well-being. I do hope you will join me as we continue through this 7-part series of What Lies at the Heart of Living Simply Luxuriously.

Explore Previous Segments of This Series

~Explore the syllabus, watch the trailer and learn more about TSLL’s Contentment Masterclass here.